Thursday, December 30, 2010

Doesn't Take Mad Skillz to Wrap This Up

Oh 2010, where do I begin? It was a heck of a year for me. Learned some new things. Learned how to deal with some old things. 2010 definitely had more ups than downs. Even the downs were okay because they taught me a lesson I needed to learn. On to my wrap up.

Biggest story: BP oil spill. Each day I was amazed at how badly that spill was handled. It was a daily comedy of errors and gaffes that culminated in the CEO being shown the door. Don't cry for him though. I'm sure his millions will keep him afloat, no pun.

Honorable mention: The Haiti earthquake.

Person of the year: Julian Assange. The man behind Wikileaks easily gets my vote. Some label him a terrorist, but it's usually the people who have been exposed in one way or the other. I don't see anything wrong with the public knowing what goes on behind the curtain.

Gulliest quote of the year - "Fuck my victims. I carried them for 20 years and now I'm doing 150." - Bernie Madoff

Funniest quote of the year - "If you touch my junk, I'll have you arrested." - John Tyner to the TSA on patdowns

Overall quote of the year - ''You all know St. Patrick is credited with banishing snakes from Ireland. But you guys know the truth, sometimes. There were never any snakes in Ireland. St. Patrick just made that up. Which explains why he's the patron saint of FOX News.'' - Joe Biden

Movie of the year - Tie between The Book of Eli and Tangled. I'm not a big movie person so that is why Inception, Iron Man 2, etc isn't my movie of the year.

Album of the year - *gulp* This is the category I hate the most. There were 3 very solid contenders for album of the year, but there can only be one. My nod goes to Janelle Monae's The Archandroid. Just a wonderfully done album by an artist with a phenomenal voice.

Disappointing album of the year - The Roots - How I Got Over. Sure it got some acclaim but it was their worse album since The Tipping Point. Did they top out at Phrenology? We shall see.

Lastly peace to all the people we lost in 2010 including but not limited to: Gary Coleman, Teena Marie, Bernie Wilson, James Moody, Elizabeth Edwards, Leslie Nielsen, Gregory Issacs, Barbara Billingsley, Solomon Burke, Tony Curtis, Teddy Pendergrass, Apache, J.D. Salinger.

I await 2011 with open arms. I look forward to all the victories, breakthroughs, loves, challenges, successes, and failures it has to offer. I pray that anything that was not bringing you happiness and value in 2010, you check at the door tomorrow night. Be safe because I only want to bid 2010 adieu. Peace.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Revelations After Temporary Parenting

Over the past few days, I had some more visitors. My niece, nephew, and little sister came to spend the holiday with me. I've watched them several times in Arkansas and they've even stayed with me for a day when they lived here. This time, I had all 3 for three days with no help. There are a few things I realized during this experience.

1. Even if I'm married, I don't think I would want over 2 children. Obvious exception would be if my wife had triplets. Otherwise, I think 2 is plenty. They can play with each other and when we go out as a family, we could buddy up.

2. Now, I have even more respect for single parents. Parenting is rough when there are two parents, so I'm sure it's even tougher when it's just one. There are no breaks, no plays off, no time outs. Especially if you have more than one. If you get one settled, the others are going to need or want something. Even when they're asleep, you're checking on them.

3. My wife will have to be the disciplinarian. One would think with all the whoopings I got growing up, I would be a master with the belt, shoe, switch. I am not. I don't think I've ever given any of them a spanking. I'm a living testimony that whoopings work (along with adequate coaching). I just don't think I can do it. I prefer diplomacy.

4. I would never stifle a child's personality. Take my little sister for example. We were driving and I was trying to get the lid off some orange juice I wanted to drink. I took the lid off with my mouth and asked sis to hold the bag open so I could spit the lid into it. I spit the lid into the bag and asked her "did I get it". Her response: "yeah plus some germs". I guffawed. Some parents would have slapped fire out her for that, but I thought it was hilarious. I told her that wit is a gift that signifies you are smart and funny. I would always want my children to be themselves.

5. Parenting is hella rewarding. A simple thanks and a hug from a child could warm up the coldest heart. They may fuss and fight, but at the end of the day you know they love each other and they love you.

I had a blast with my babies. I hope that I gave them more memories that will last their whole lives. I miss them already, however, now it's time to start the adult part of my vacation. And then I hit my #dougie. Peace.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Freestyle Friday: Vacay Edition

It's only been a week, but it feels like forever since I last blogged. Too much and not nearly enough has been going on. Anywho, that stuff will get blogged when I successfully break this writer's boulder I have. I can, however, churn out a few random things that are going on.

* I am starting my holiday vacation. No work until January. I didn't plan to take all my vacay at the end of the year, but due to an HR malfunction, here I am. I see lots of relaxation and cocktails in my immediate future.

* Throwing a shindig tomorrow night, I'm anticipating a smaller crowd but I keep having this sneaking feeling that the crowd be larger than I thought. Oh wells. The more the merrier as long as they're cool and well behaved. I feel like C will show up, but I'm prepared to deal with her accordingly....I hope.

* Speaking of C, I've pretty much conceded to the idea that she will forever be in my life. It may not be front row like before, but she'll always at least be in the nosebleeds. It's not necessarily a bad thing, I reckon. Might as well accept it, and deal with it.

* It's been really good reconnecting with my friend, Shynesobright. Until September, it had been 10 years since we seen each other. We chit chat over IM and twitter quite often. It's really cool to see the woman she has grown into. I remember when were just two dorky kids in grade school....or maybe I was the only dork.

* The Knicks are playing great basketball, however, 10 years of futility seems to damper my enthusiasm. I know you're probably saying "Laconic, it's only basketball". This is true, but I bleed blue and orange. I'd entertain the idea of sleeping with Sam Cassell if it guaranteed a Knicks championship. Okay, maybe that's too far.

* Hella stoked to see my babies next week. I always love having them around. Gotta find some fun stuff for us to do in these few days they're here.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Grab Your Nuts And Mase/Total Me

I majored in Finance at university. I live in the cold sterile world of bottom lines and balance sheets. As with anything quantitative, either it ain't or it is. 2+2 will never be anything but 4. Too bad affairs of the heart don't work that way. I've never been good with gray areas. I've never been one for sweet talk. Tell me what you want from me, how do you want it, when do you want it. I'll do the same. No country for mind reading and guessing games (or any kinda games for that matter).

A few weeks ago, as documented in my "I Don't Want to Be a Soldier Anymore", I told C that I can't be just friends with her. One would assume that if a person tells you something like that, they mean that ya'll should cease contact and go your own way. I've heard from C a few times since that conversation, but the other night was the kicker.

C and I had an IM convo earlier that day. A convo that really wasn't needed, but that's neither here nor there. I said all I wanted to say and was under the impression that she had done the same. That evening there's a knock on my door.....I look out the peephole to see C standing on my doorstep. No call, no text, no email, nothing....just showed up at my house unannounced. #wheretheydothatat?

After I managed to wipe the "WTH" look off my face, I invite her in. We sit down. "I know you probably have a million things running through your mind right now". Actually I only have one.....DF you doing over here? "Nah, I'm good. What's up?" She informs me that her visit is to finish the aforementioned finished IM convo. Me (thinking): Arrgh? I tell her that I figured that convo was over, but since she's here she might as well say/ask what she wants. She goes on this spiel about how her bro won't let her in so she comes to me if she has any questions. I answered the few questions she had (as vaguely) as possible.

I'm thinking to myself "are we done yet?". Nope! She wants to go look at my pictures. She wants to giving me Christmas tree decorating advice. She wants to shoot the breeze. I thought you were here because you are so concerned about your bro's well-being. Appears to me, you're more concerned about our well-being.

All I want for C to do is tell me what she wants from me. If she wants me to be her stand-in girlfriend again, just say so. If she wants to screw me, just say so. If she wants to marry me, just say so. If she wants me to go slip on a banana peel, just say so. All this attempted mind-frick is grating on my nerves. Not because it's working, but because it's insulting. C ain't got enough stamps in her passport to mind-frick me.

Obviously, there is some reason why C won't make an exit from my life. I'm praying. I'm exploring. I'm telling God that whatever His plan is for this situation, I'm down. If C ultimately means me well, He'll reveal it. If C means me harm, He'll remove her. In the meantime, I'll keep my eyes, my ears, and I reckon my mind open. Peace.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The WTF Chronicles Part 12: House Crashers

I know the date says I blogged a couple weeks ago, but I feel like it's been a couple months ago. Your homie has been going thru a serious case of writer's block and a general decline in blog mojo. However, never fear, you knew I'd take a sledgehammer to the boulder and get it poppin, b. So here's what's been going on with your fearless hero.

C's bro has been crashing with me for almost a week now. I don't know her reasons nor would I ever ask her why he can't stay there (besides the obvious answer). I'm enjoying having him around. Whilst I thrive in solitude, it's cool to have someone around who's into the same things I'm into. We've been watching sports, talking about women, and drinking beer. Pretty awesome.

It's not all sunshine and butterscotch, but I don't feel any discomfort or anything. I do have a couple "issues" (and I use that term loosely). 1. He feels the need to check in with me all the time. Dude, I'm not your wife. If I give you a key, that means you are free to roam around the country. Does that mean you can stumble in all times of morning keeping up ruckus? Heck to the naw. Does that mean you can come in at 9 pm without me sweating you? Sure in the hades does.

2. It feels like to me he plays up his anger with C's GF. "Yeah man, I went over C's house yesterday and that bitch was there. She tried to speak to me, but I just was real snappy with her." Okay my dude if you say so. You all chest swole but just last night you were over there cooking with/for them. If you're not angry with that gal, that's on you. Personally, I wouldn't break any kind of bread with them because I feel like that encourages the bad behavior of the GF. He called and asked me did I want a plate....negro please. I'd go to a soup kitchen before I ate anything of theirs.

Over the weekend, he suggested that he, C, and myself go out one of these nights. He says to me that we should have a talk with C. I'm thinking to myself "this sounds like an intervention". I break it down to him that it won't work. First of all, I'm the LAST person C wants to hear from concerning her relationship. I could drop science on C from dusk to dawn but the message would get lost because of the messenger.

Secondly, aside from a late night IM convo, C has given me no reason to believe she has hit her leaving point. Until C hits rock bottom, she's gonna continue to eat whatever that gal feeds her. Plus even if C would listen to me, I'm not touching that. I've been at the point in my life where I realize the only human I have to face in the mirror each day is myself. I'm tired of trying to keep folk from what I think is ruining their lives. Being the voice of reason is tiresome.

I told him the best thing to do is pray the gal out of C's life. Pray that C opens her eyes and sees what is truly going on in her life. Just keep loving on C and make her feel like she has a support system. I'm pretty sure that C will get out of this situation more sooner than later. However, I'm just as certain she's gonna end up in similar situation soon after. I hope I'm wrong.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

You May Not Drive A Great Big Cadillac....

It should go without saying that we should be thankful every moment. This is true, but I just wanted to churn out a little blog about the more underrated things I'm thankful for. Up, up, and away.

1. I'm thankful that I don't have a big crazy family. They may be crazy but I couldn't imagine having to be cooped up with them trying to break bread. Growing up, it was usually my immediate family and a few others. I liked it like that.

2. I'm thankful that I'm not in a bad relationship. I can only imagine being all kissy face on Thanksgiving only to have it all come crashing down before the Black Friday sales are over with.

3. I'm thankful for being a skeptic. My cynicism has probably kept me from buying dreams that a lot of folk were selling. A good scowl and an eyebrow raise keeps foolery away.

4. I'm thankful for my eccentricity. This trait has allowed me to beat my own drum and march when I feel like it. I enjoy being that person with the out of the box thought. I like wearing plaid pants with striped shirts. I love the feeling of being an individual.

5. I'm thankful for being a hater (in society's definition of the word). I can live without 98% of that stuff most folk rant and rave about. That gets me labeled as a hater. In the immortal words of Reggie Noble......"I'll bee dat".

6. I'm thankful that after having my heartbroken I haven't given up on love. It's very easy to be like "screw it", but I refuse. I've witnessed true love and I liked what I saw. Finding true love isn't what gets me out of bed in the morning, but it's not sitting at the bottom of my hamper either.

7. I'm thankful for every rejection that I have received. There are so many things that we want, but we don't need. Rejections are just God's way of saying it's not time yet or I got something better for you.

8. I'm thankful for the courage to be myself. I'd rather be hated for who I am than to be loved for who I am not. If you don't like what I away. I don't like how I away. If you don't like the fact I know what I want out of away. I'm me 24/265 and I'm lovin' it.

I want all ya'll to have a blessed, safe, wonderful, *insert any good adjective* holiday weekend. Be careful out there, wanna see all ya'll next week. Peace.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

First The Fat Boys Break Up....Now This?

I've noticed a lot of my fellow bloggers are doing entries about beliefs. I think it's a pretty dope topic, so I'm gonna hop on the bus and churn one out. Up, up, and away. Sans #1, this non-definitive list is in no particular order.

1. I believe in God. I don't care what anyone else says or does, I know God is real. He believe and trust in Him fully.

2. I believe that I'm awesome. I know that may sound arrogant, but it's true. Extraordinarily ordinary, perfectly imperfected, flaws and all......I'm awesome. Couldn't think of anyone else I'd want to be.

3. I believe in love, but it's not the sickness and the cure that folks make it out to be. Love does not conquer foolishness. You can keep telling yourself that if you want to. Love is not this illness that you catch and it gnaws away at your brain. Love ain't make you do all this stupid stuff.

4. I believe in personal accountability. Don't blame your screwedupness on others. We all have things that happened to us in the past. It comes a point in a time where you are responsible for how your life is going.

5. I believe that one day stupidity will overtake the Earth and all smart folk will be left hiding in caves underground. I'm not talking book stupid folk, I'm talking life stupid folk. Better hunker down or learn how to hide being smart.

6. I believe in 2 parent households. Not knocking those who were raised in a single parent household or the ones who are raising children on their own. I just believe that it's a 2 person job and the odds are more in the kids favor. Not saying folk should get married or stay married if they can't stand each other for the sake of the kids. I'm just saying that optimally a 2 parent household is best.

7. I believe in being hella discerning in relationships. I've been on 2 dates with a chicks and knew that it wasn't gonna work out. Wasn't a matter of her being attracted me or vice versa. I just knew in my gut that me and that person wouldn't mesh down the road. Better to throw up the deuce early than try to make a relationship out of red flags.

8. I believe in great financial health. You don't have to be filthy stinking rich to have great financial health. Save as much as you can, check your credit score twice a year, and most importantly LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS. I can't stress that last one enough.

9. I believe there is a lesson in every experience in life. When we learn the lesson, God graduates us to the next one. When we miss the lesson, God puts us on that figure 8 until we learn it. Insanity - doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

10. I believe that most have no clue of who they are; therefore, they will never know what they want out of life. Self discovery (no hairy palms) can be a scary thing. In order to fully know and understand yourself, you have to spend some real time with yourself. People are too afraid of what they may find out if they spent some alone time. I guess it's just easier for them to blow in the breeze and blame others.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Check Yoself Before You Wreck Yoself

I am very fortunate to have such a small circle of friends. My friends are more than just friends. They are pretty trusted advisers. I really take what they say to heart because 10 times out of 9, they're giving me good advice. I also appreciate the fact they are not yes (wo)men.

Everyone should have friends who can tell them "no, don't do that" or "you're trippin' with no luggage". In life we need checks and balances. The right friends can be that for you. I just think back on all the stupid things (in retrospect) that a friend or friends checked me on.

For the most part, I'm not talking about simple stuff like them telling me that polka dots and plaid really don't match. I'm talking about decisions that could affect my life to this day. I don't ever recall any of them telling me what to do. That's not checks and balances, that's control. They have given me that smack to the face to bring me back to reality. They have placed that coffee right below my nostrils to get me to wake up.

I think back on some of the things people have told me and I wonder am I the lone voice of reason in your life. If my girlfriend socked me in my nose and I called 3 friends, all three would say the same thing "why are you still there?". They may would ask me what happened later but the recurring theme would be snap out of it, get your bag and go.

I'm not saying that I'm a mindless drone. Friends have the luxury of not being in the frame so they are able to see the picture. Meaning they can see above the haze I was in. My heart probably thought they were being unreasonable but my head knew they were looking out for me. I liken it to drowning. If I'm drowning, I would like for my friends to throw me a life line, not just sit there and say "Girl hang in there, I was in a similar situation once. I just kept flailing and eventually I got comfortable with the fact I was drowning. Still drowning to this day but I'm hanging in there".

Please don't take it as me saying get yourself a bunch of Debbie Downers. Not at all. Surround yourself with people who hold you up to same high standards that you hopefully hold yourself to. If you have high standards and good friends, even if you slip every once and a while, they'll help get you back on the level you're supposed to be. Peace.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

For Black Women Who Have Considered Blogging When FCG Was Too Much

No witty preface, let's get straight to it. For Colored Girls was a trainwreck. One hundred twenty minutes of facepalming. Even though it was Tyler Perry, I went into the movie with an open mind. I left the movie completely and utterly disappointed and flabbergasted.

It was so terrible that I am having a hard time finding where to start. I have yet to read the choreopoem that the screenplay was adapted from. However, I have heard great things about it. Frankly, Tyler Perry doesn't have enough stamps in his passport to even do this. He has a hard time turning a script into a cohesive film. What in hades made him think he could take such a heavy choreopoem and turn it into anything that wasn't a debacle? #really

The constant transitioning from script to poem was cringe-worthy at times. The poetry was powerful but awkward and forced. It was like night and day going from Perry's awful dialogue to Ntozake Shange's powerful prose. Written in 1975 I believe, some of the poetry just didn't translate well to modern times. Perhaps Perry should have set the movie in the 70s. Couldn't have hurt.

What would a Tyler Perry movie be without over the top negative stereotypes of black men? The downlow man? C'mon Tyler! I thought we were better than that. That kind of character wasn't even needed in this film. The seemingly nice guy who goes from salsa dancing in the street to whippin' out his peaknus and raping one of the women? I know date rape happens and it happens often, but the way Perry handled it really took away from the seriousness of the situation. Even the most "realistic" storyline still had the WTF element. Throw in your obligatory two-timing boyfriend and your set of Triflin' Ass Ninjas is complete. The closest thing to a decent brotha in the film was a somewhat insensitive detective.

Without giving too much away, I will say that the women who did the best job were Loretta Devine and Thandie Newton. I was pleasantly blown away with how great of a job Thandie did. Loretta Devine has always been a favorite actress of mine even though she's been in some films that are questionable at best. Her strong dialogue and human element gave her character some pop. Thandie's complete transformation from prim and proper British woman to emotionally damaged, just wanting to find some kind of love, downtrodden but tries not to show it New Yorker went over much better than one would anticipate (holy run-on sentence Batman!).

There are not enough words to describe how putrid Janet was in this film. Once we get past her looking like Cruella D'eville, lies a dull half-assed performance. Again I say, I have not read the choreopoem so I'm not quite sure how this character was supposed to go. Watching her be this mean cold-hearted biatch was painful. Not because there aren't any cold hearted biatches in the world, hers was just ramped up a few notches and wandered dangerously close to being caricature-ish.

The other actresses did a so-so job considering the material and director they had to work with. Kimberly Elise was good for "weepin' Wanda what is we gon' do now" schtick that she has seemed to have mastered. Phylicia Rashad (my childhood cougar crush) provided stability in moments where the film had clearly jumped the shark. Kerry Washington's character could have been played by a celery stick and the audience wouldn't have noticed. Anika Noni Rose's character really didn't have too much going on which almost made me forget she was in the movie until her character provided the biggest unintentional laugh of the film. Whoopi Goldberg....really? Her character did way too much and not nearly enough.

To wrap this bad boy up.......the movie was horrible. In the hands of just about any other director, I think this film has a fighting chance. Tyler Perry basically Tyler Perry'd up the movie. All that was missing was Madea some light skinnedededed man to come in and rescue one of these damsels in distress. Watching this movie reminded me a lot of Precious. Seems like the whole theme was "how bad can I make these women's lives". Anytime you thought the sun was gonna shine, Perry brought in some storm clouds and let it rain. My only regret is that I do not have another set of thumbs so that I could give this picture 4 thumbs down. Peace.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Don't Want to Be a Soldier Anymore

When C stopped talking to me last year, I was hurt. Things ended so badly between us that time. By the third month, I was using anger as a tool to get over her. If someone asked me how did I feel about her, it was nothing to say "man forget her, so I'm so past her, I've lapped her twice". I let my butthurtness guide me through that time.

By the year mark, I was fully entrenched in my anger and had convinced myself that I felt nothing. Even when we started communicating again, I still kept believing I was over it. I tried to be hard and put on a front. My hardness got shattered and my front has come home to roost. Saturday set off a domino effect that came to a head last night.

C's parents were in town over the weekend. Naturally, since I love them and they love me, they wanted to see me. C didn't want me to go to the movies on Friday because her girlfriend was gonna be there. I got kinda tight about that, but that's just C being C. Saturday, her moms asks me to come meet them for shopping and lunch. I get out to the shopping center and link up with them. C's gf works out at the shopping center so you know she was gonna show up sooner or later.

C, her mom, and I are at this shoe store and in walks C's gf. Mind you, this chick ain't the manager, assistant manager, manager trainee or nothing. She left work to come over to see what was going on. After the fiasco which was the last time I saw that gal, wasn't no way in hades I was gonna stick my hand out and speak. In retrospect, that's hella petty but sometimes we lose sight that we're the bigger person. Of course she has to be all extra on C, which I thought was kinda disrespectful considering how C's mom feels about teh ghey. I'm certain that little show as just for me.

After the chick leaves, I ask C "why your little friend didn't speak to me". I didn't know that C's mom could hear. She turns around and goes "yeah, why didn't she speak". C tells her mom that the girl and I (me) have bumped heads before. I don't recall ever bumping heads but whatevy. C's mom walks off saying she's heading to another store. I start off after her and is kinda yanked back by C. Here she goes trying to charge me up about my question. Talking about now she's gotta answer all kinds of questions from her mom and stuff. Telling me how I should know that her gf wasn't gonna speak to me because the gal doesn't like me. This is my perfect opportunity to say what's been on my mind.

"If you would treat me like a friend and not a side piece, your gf may wouldn't feel some kinda way about me". I tell C that if she would stop creepin' and sneakin' around with me, it wouldn't look so bad. Exhale. C is always good for a play dumb so I continued. I let her know that it's not "too much" when she's benefiting. It's not too much when I'm meeting her at midnight for a drink. It's not too much for her to wake me up crying wanting me to console her. It's not too much when I'm putting her back together. She asks me do I care about her comfort level. I don't. I let her know that she made this situation by lying back and forth in the beginning. You make your bed now lay it.

I tell her that I hope one day, she'll put her feelings over the girl's feelings because the girl doesn't care about her. I attempt to walk off again. She stops me and tells me to come back and explain. I simply tell her how she puts that girl's feelings over anyone else's. She's so busy trying to make that girl comfortable that she doesn't give a damn who she stomps on. "Baby, I just want you to be happy" I say. She tells me that she is happy. Me: "yeah today" and I walk out.

I knew that after that exchange, C was gonna ignore me for a while. I really needed to finish that conversation, so I came up with a sure fire way to get her attention. It worked. She called me yesterday evening. After she fussed for a minute, I asked her to shush for a second while I let her know what's on my mind. "I can't be just your friend. I love having you in my life, but if this is your idea of being friends, I can't. My feelings are way too strong for this." I took a deep breath and watched the monkey run out the back door.

She's taken aback but lets me know that if this is the case then it's best that we don't talk. I'm perfectly fine with that. If this is my swan song, I better belt out the best tune I got. I went all the way back to when she and I were whatever we were. I told her how I blew it the first time. Instead of sacking up and making a commitment, I strung her along. Then when she finally moved on, I was selfish again. I thought I could waltz into her life, tell her I love you, and we would ride off into the sunset together. Another monkey runs out the door.

I finish up with letting her now how much I like her and care for her. She had mentioned recently that she wanted someone who would love her, respect her, and build a future with her. I told her that I wanted all those things with her. It hurts me so much to see you being hurt. Hell, I hate to see you stub your toe because it hurts you. I don't know what it is in you that makes someone like me such a nonviable potential mate. I love you. After that, there was complete silence. I told her peace out and she said goodbye.

Maybe because it's only day one, I don't feel the gut wrenching pain I felt the last time we stopped talking. Maybe because I initiated it, I'm in a better position to handle this. Maybe it's because now I know that I have took a major step towards my future by being honest about my past. Maybe it's because now I believe that I can finally see myself giving someone else a chance. The possibilities are endless.

Do I think this is the last I'll ever hear from C? Not hardly. Next time, she can't come around and pretend like she's not doing anything. I spelled it out for her. She's already gotten left. Perhaps she should try getting right. Peace.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

How About I Drop My Cross On Your Head?

By reading my blog posts, I hope you get the idea that I love God. I know there are some things I say that may lead you think that I'm not a Christian. However, even with all of that, I know I give God mad propers throughout my writing. It was a long strange trip to get to where I am with God now. Glad I had the strength to do take it.

Growing up, I never liked church. Church back home never appealed to my intellect. I never felt like the pastor ever taught anything about Scripture. Seemed like a bunch of po' folk wailin' and whoopin'. Yeah I know we are supposed to be his flock, but does that I mean I have to be a sheep? I grew up Apostolic. If you're not really up on your denominations, Apostolic falls under the Pentecostal covering. Just about anything you can think of is a sin to Pentecostal folk. Movies....sin. TV.....sin. Bowling.....sin. Skating...sin. Playing jacks....sin. Playing cards....sin. Secular music....sin. Woman dressing like a man.....sin. And not only was everything a sin but you were going to hell first class.

The funny thing is that I learned all my best sinning from church. I learned to lie at church. I learned how to cuss at church. I learned what a whore/dyke/faggot was at church. I learned how to backstab and doublecross at church. Heck the first gay person I encountered was a choir director (not ours) at church. If all that would send me to hell, well then I bought my ticket during Sunday service. We had some great travel agents at the church.

Back then, God to me was this guy who sat up and just waited for us to mess up so that he could punish us. God didn't seem too loving back then. I would often wonder why would I want to worship such a meanie. I disliked just about everyone at church. I saw the hypocrisy of it all at a young age and it left such a bad taste in my mouth. Pastor driving a new whip but Sister Jenkins' lights are off and all they can tell her is pray about it.

It made me so sick to even go to church. I would try to get out of it every time I could. I got so tired of hearing how "young folks" are so awful when I knew it was the adults who set such a bad example for the children. I hated being in plays. I hated spending almost all my Sundays, Tuesday and Friday nights, at church. I didn't clap. I didn't sing. I would just zone out until church was over.

The best day of my young life occurred when I turned 16. My mother told me that I didn't have to go to church if I didn't want to. I wanted to turn a backflip. I'm sure she was hurt when I stopped going but church was killing my spirit. Had I stayed in church any longer, I don't think I'd be going now. Funny as it sounds, leaving church started my journey to finding God.

After leaving the church, I became Agnostic and perilously close to being an Atheist. My bad experiences with church coupled with my coming to terms with my sexuality was the perfect storm. I would challenge any and everyone about how God didn't care about us. He was all about the punishment. No love. Just putting that rod on our backside every chance He got.

Fast forward to my senior year of college, I was watching tv and I saw an ad for this church. The pastor seemed so warm through the tv. I got up and went to their evening service. Everyone was so receptive and kind. They sang songs and worshiped. The pastor got up and spoke a message about love. That was the first time I felt like God was actually a loving God. While He corrects us, he restores us gently. It was a great message, but my heart was so hardened.

It would be another 2 years before I stepped into another church. I tried out a few churches. I encountered some of the same stuff from my past. However, I was undeterred. I was gonna find a new church home and give God another try. After a few failed attempts, I stumbled across this website for a church. I got up one Sunday morning and went. I was apprehensive and skeptical. I liked the cerebral approach the Bishop took. Next Sunday, I got up and went again. I went again and again. I've been going ever since.

While I'm far from a perfect Christian, I know that God has brought me a long way. Even when I gave up on God, He never gave up on me. He allowed me to take that journey away from Him. I returned and He welcomed me with open arms. He truly indeed awesome. Peace.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Protect Your (Mental) Neck

We exercise, we wear our seatbelts, we don't stick metal objects into electrical outlets. We take all kinds of cautions and precautions for our safety. However, there is one aspect of our well-being that we (read: minorities/women) often neglect. That aspect is our mental health.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I was right beside my mother when she died. I watched her take her last breath. I stayed there with her. She died and felt like my soul died along with her. That night I remember just being in a haze. My body was up and moving but I have no clue of where my mind was. I felt empty and disoriented. I managed to get through the funeral and back to Houston.

I figured I'd just throw myself into work. I landed a new gig and I thought that would keep me occupied. I couldn't focus, I was crying in the restroom almost every chance I got. I would catch myself completely zoned out. I would come home and just lay in the bed. I was so tired but I eventually stopped sleeping because of the nightmares. Every time I closed my eyes, the replay of my mom's death would start. I didn't get to lush status, but I found myself looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle.

No one could fully help me. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's in a better place" or "to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" or "time heals all wounds" or "just pray about it", I'd be sitting on a beach in Martinique right now. Even though C had dumped me around that time, I will say that she was very understanding and somewhat helpful during that time. But for the most part, I was a zombie.

After C moved in, the zombieness was replaced by sheer and utter anger. I stayed mad. Looking back, I feel sorry for C because I put her through pure hell. I could tell she didn't want to leave me like that but she didn't want to be around me when I was like that. I'd kirk out on her for no apparent reason. I was straight up lunchin' on any and everybody. I just didn't give any kind of damn. I recall one day I was driving and C was in the car. I remember just picking up speed and darting in and out of traffic. I'm sure I was doing at least 90.....I just didn't care. If I died, I died. If my mother isn't here, why should I be? I have since apologized for endangering D's life. I would never have been able to forgive myself if I had hurt her.

All that shiz ended up with me leaving that new gig. The last thing I needed was to be alone with my thoughts. By that time, C was dating someone else. That's all I needed to top off an already awful time in my life. One night, I completely jumped the shark with her. Honestly, I have no idea what started it but it ended with C telling me that she was afraid of me and that I should go get help. #GTFOHWTB I was thinking to myself but looking at her face I could tell she was scared of me. The next day I called the therapist.

The first thing they tell you in therapy is that if you won't be honest, it's not gonna work. It wasn't hard to open to the shrink. She made me feel safe and that my secrets wouldn't go further than ears. After a few sessions, she told me that I was diagnosed with depression and variant of post traumatic stress disorder. Oh great was my first thought because I was certain that she was gonna put me on the "happy pills". Not at all. She told me that she believes that all my "issues" were acute in nature. She could give me happy pills but I wasn't at that stage in the game where I needed them.

I stayed in therapy for around 2 years. I got a chance to talk about all kinds of things that were in my mind. Really helped me piece things together in my life. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, do so. If don't think you can afford it, there are a lot of therapists who work on sliding scales. There are also various counseling centers that are low to no cost. Also, if you're into religion, a lot of clergy offer counseling as well. Don't be so quick to chalk it up to a bad day. Peace.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Don't Be Ashamed.....Let It Hang

As I was driving into work this morning, I decided to listen to the radio for a minute. For the most part, my radio gets no play because the music is wack. I digress. Bruno Mars' song, I reckon it's called Just the Way You Are was on.

The song reeks of corniness, don't get me wrong. However, it goes right in line with a convo I was having with a homie of mine the other day. She was telling me how self conscious she is about her body. Even more so since she had a child a few years back. Personally, I think she looks great now and looked great back in college. I've noticed this is a recurring theme with a lot of women I know. Whilst I think they look amazing, they're seeing something completely different in their mirrors.

Every chick that I've whatevered with has made a comment at some point in time about their body. It's such a hard situation to be in when your chick says to you "ughh I hate my stomach/thighs/legs/etc". If you feel some kinda way about your body, then by all means make that change for yourself. Don't do it for me, your fam, the next person, etc. I think you're awesome just the way you are.

If I'm dealing with you, it's obvious that I don't give a crap about that you have a pooch, dimples on your other cheeks, or stretchmark on your thighs. I enjoy those imperfections just as much as I enjoy your perfections. I like seeing you nakey. I like caressing and touching every inch of you. That scar you got from falling off your bike when you were 11? I find it tres sexy. With me, I don't want you to feel embarrassed or self conscious. So come out........dougie in your draws, breakdance in your birthday suit....tis all good. Peace.

Monday, November 1, 2010

What Do Cynics Dream Of When They Take a Little Cynic Booze?

Over the past few days, I've had a lot of time to think about relationships. Usually this topic gets little airtime in my head because I'm just not feeling chicks around here. I wanted to do a blog post on one topic but since my thoughts have been so jumbled, I figured the blog should be no different.

I believe last Tuesday whilst talking to C, she hits me with "I just want to find someone who loves me, respects me, and wants to build a future with me". I wish she could have seen the epic side eye I gave her. All I could respond with was "good luck". You couldn't possibly want that because if you did, you wouldn't be where you are. The more accurate statement is "I want someone like that but I lack the self-capital to obtain and maintain such a person".

If that wasn't bad enough, I had a dream about her the next night. I dreamed that we got married. Wasn't a shotgun wedding, it was like she wanted to be there/I wanted to be there wedding. Back in the day, that woulda been a kee-kee dream. That night, I woke up in a cold sweat. Not because the bridesmaids dresses were turrrrible, but because I don't think that's the kinda dream I should be having.

Friday night, I responded to a tweet about how much of a cesspool the dating pool is. A follower of mine out in NC was talking about the quality of women there. I told her to change NC to the world and she has the current state of dating affairs. There are a myriad of reasons to why there aren't that many quality potential mates out there. The main reason why it's difficult to find someone decent is these women don't know want they want. And that stems from a lack of knowledge of self. How can you know what you want if you don't know who you are? The dating pool is so bad that I don't even want to sit by it and catch some rays. At least not without a hazmat suit.

Saturday night I made the tragic mistake of replacing the water in my fishbowl with alcohol. I was watching Chris Rock's Never Scared. He has this joke about not being someone's first choice. I got to thinking. The thought was I believe no matter who I end up with, no matter how much I love her (or him....fence jumping has crossed my mind #blankface...whole nother story), they won't be my first choice. Is that fair to this person? I'm sure it won't be a recurring theme, but I know it will be a thought in my mind. Then I thought, how often does a person land their 1st choice? I'm thinking maybe around 31% of the time.

Shoot, since I brought up fence jumping, I'm gonna keep it funky, b. I have honestly thought about it. Not sure how many dudes would be content in a sexless relationship though. Perhaps an open relationship would work. I'm certain that straight chicks are having just a hard of a time as the gay ones. However, I think if I were straight, I'd be married by now. Peace.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Every Time (Simpery in C Flat) *Repost*

Blog is kind of dusty right now. Been writing a lot of stuff in my journal but don't fret, I will be back with some good shiz sooner than you think. For now, enjoy a repost. I wrote this jawn about 3 years ago, pretty entrenched in my feelings. It's mushy as fidduck but hey, I was on Cloud 11 then. Enjoy.

Seems like every time I try to stay away.........the closer I find myself to you.
Seems like every time I try to stop thinking about you......I think about you more.
Seems like every time I say I'm call me and say not so fast.
Seems like every time I try to stop myself from falling........I trip over my own feet.
Seems like every time I hear your sounds like the Knicks winning the 'ship in six.
Seems like every time I see your face.......I want to send your mama a thank you note.
Seems like every time you touch me........I feel like I just took a fresh pair out of the box.
Seems like every time I look into your eyes........I get lost with no desire of finding my way back.
Seems like every time I tell myself to stop trippin........I go grab my duffle bag and a carry-on.
Seems like every time I attempt to tell you these things..........I choke on my words.....
So that's why I wrote you this blog.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Can I Live? (My Prerogative in B Flat)


As I said in prior entries, the Peanut Gallery has been very vocal about C. I hope that in my talking about her, I have not painted her with a bad brush. I know we tend to tell our friends more of the bad stuff and when the bad sounds as bad as our bad well it tends to look.....bad. There are countless "good" C stories I could tell. Does she have issues? You betcha! Is she a horrible person? Not in the least bit. So you'll have to forgive me if I don't want to burn her at the stake and pour salt on her ashes.

I will not apologize for any feelings that I may feel for C in the past, now, or even in the future. Even if I decide I want to pursue something romantic with Bobby B said that's my prerogative. I know all these "pillar of strengths" who were able to ax out a person the first time they did them remotely wrong. Sorry if I'm not there yet.

I find it so hilarious when people who have cheated, been cheated on, been on again and off again, etc wanna tell me that I shouldn't even entertain the notion of being anything but acquaintances with C (hell of a run-on sentence BTW). Not hilarious in an episode of Martin way but hilarious in a LOL SMH kinda way. If you were forgiven, able to forgive, open to reconnect, why am I'm not afforded the luxury of merely THINKING about it?

"You're blocking out the right person from coming into your life" Really? How so? Am I sitting outside her window holding a boombox? Did I put a sign around my neck saying "Not interested in anyone but her"? Heck if I recall correctly, I have been saying that I am interested in dating, but I'm not gonna go out with just anyone to prove a point to everyone but ME.

Neither she nor I have made any kind of plans about a romantic reconciliation. Heck, it's not even on the menu. It may never be on the menu. And if it ends up on the menu and I want to order it, I will do so. Basically I'm putting into play what I've always known; "don't discuss something if you don't want people to comment". I'm putting a gag order on myself and continue to find the right path in all of life. Peace.

Monday, October 18, 2010

It's Cheaper to Keep Her

The other day I was reading that Morgan Freeman's ex wife is supposedly getting $400 million in the divorce. This astronomical figure coming on the heels of Elin Woods making off with a grip of Tiger's change. Famous and not so famous ex wives are getting cheddared up at a remarkable clip. But is it fair?

I'm sure a lot of you all are saying well life isn't fair, but c'mon let's be realistic about this. Morgan has been busting his arse for the last at least 30 years (first film credit I saw on Wiki was from 1980). However, I'm sure if we count the plays, commercials, voice-overs, etc....duke has put in mad work. Not sure what his ex-wife's occupation is but I doubt she has been on set for months at a time, doing promos, etc. So why is she entitled to $400 million of his duckets?

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if you're wealthy, marriage isn't really a sound business to invest in. There's far more for you to lose than the other party. Then there's whole other issue of not being able to keep it in your pants. If you know you were barely being faithful before, getting married is only gonna push you over the edge. I know women who specialize in only dating married guys.

Marriage is a recipe for disaster for some folk. I can't fathom the thought of surrendering half my assets for a piece of tail. I can only imagine the horror a dude feels when the judge says "she's getting half". Watching his ex-wife do the dougie in the courtroom. OJ was wrong but.....anywho. The moral of my story is that marriage should not be taken lightly especially when big dough is at stake. Choose wisely and always get that prenup.......Peace.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

By no means am I a veteran in the djing game. I've been djing for around a year or so and just recently started gigging. I love djing a lot. For someone like me who has never been much of a dancer or a big club socializer, it's perfect. I get all the benefits of being out and about without all the hassle that comes along with I thought.

I read a lot of djing message boards just mainly to keep up with the new toys that are coming out and to get some great tips and tricks. There's always a thread about DJ pet peeves. I used to think that a lot of these folk were just being whiny......WRONG. It's real in the field. Now allow me to give my list of DJ pet peeves.

1. Excessive requests - Hey I don't mind you requesting a song. I mind you basically pulling out your own personal playlist. I mind even more when your list is wacksauce. Then you have the audacity to tell me to play your song right in the middle of the current one. I'm sorry my dude but I'm not gonna throw in Ambitionz Az a Ridah right in the middle of Like a Real Freak.

2. The I used to dj back in '83 guy/girl - I respect the architects of this art. I know that djing has come a long way. I remember kats having to lug crates of vinyl around. I remember kats having to drag several cd wallets around. It's a new day and I'm glad for it. Technology should be embraced. So don't act all brand new around my set up. For you people I just want to tell you what else has been invented: fire, tampons, and the forward pass in football.

3. The I want to start djing guy/girl - I am far from a professional dj. I have a lot of stuff that I need to perfect and work on. I have no problem telling you tips and tricks that I know or recommending some material to read. However, you cannot sit at my feet and wait for me to give you the meaning of djing life.

4. The I just wanna linger around guy/girl - I don't mind you stopping by the table to say what up, make a request, or what have you. I do mind you all over my shoulder, all over my setup, all over me. Move around a little bit.

It wouldn't be fair to just rag on what I don't like about gigging, so lemme run down some stuff I do like.

1. Pretty girls who wanna make requests - Hell yeah I'll put on your song. First tell me your name and later give me your number.

2. Pretty girls who dance all sexy near the booth after I play their song - Hell yeah, I love to see your sexy self grinding and gyrating and giving me that look.

3. Seeing that too cool kat or chick nodding to the music - I see you feeling it homie. Glad you digging the tunes I got going.

4. The love - I love the love that people give me. I feed off of that. It's so satisfying when a person comes up to you during a set and say "man, you're spinning that real shiz" or "I like that". Makes me feel good. It's even better when the crowd is clearing out, you're packing up, and folks stop by before they leave out. Telling you how good of a time they had. Love it, mane.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Freestyle Friday: Pandora's Box Edition

* The story of the week has been C's quasi-entry into my life. #teamantiC has been very vocal in how they feel about the situation. Yesterday, I finally heard from a member of #teamC. A homie of mine hit me with the old "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you it was meant to be" yadda yadda. Sounds good in theory, not sure if it applies to my situation. My question to her was did C come back or did I go looking for her?

* I love fall, but I had sudden weather changes. I've been congested all this week and it's no fun whatsoever. However, I do love not having to run my a/c. Also, I know the fall Polo collection is gonna be righteous. #yup!

* I feel as if I've hit the weight loss wall. I haven't weighed myself in a long time and it feels like I'm not losing like I was. I definitely tell a difference in my clothes, but I'm trying to get into a 2 piece by summer. LOL. I may have to go get a Shake Weight or something.

* I think I want to redecorate my place. I've been living like a frat guy for the longest. Time to "adult up" the joint. Reckon I'll call my sis to come help, she likes that kinda stuff.

* I cannot stress enough how glad I am to be out to my family. Never been the most feminine woman, but there was a time where I was in the closet, albeit a glass one. It's no fun not being able to be yourself. I was explaining to a homie of mine that coming out is a process. You don't say it then that's that. You have to be prepared for questions, rejection, indifference, silence, everything. You always come out for yourself, not anyone else. Because at the end of the day, you have to deal with the fallout, not them.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Comes Back Like a Boomerang When You Throw 'Em

Over the last few days, C and I have been communicating via IM. No fussing, no fighting, just regular convo we would have had over a year ago. Really haven't missed a beat. While it's been good chit chatting with her, I still stay guarded. A good buddy of mine really broke it down to me. She was telling me how much of a change she's seen in me over the past year. How I've been really branching out and doing my thing. She says she doesn't believe C is a bad person, but she does believe that C and I are in different places in life right now. "It's easier to get pulled down to someone else's level than it is to pull them up to yours".

Those words have resonated with me all week. I know that I'm on another plane right now. Yeah there's more solitude now, but it's peaceful. I'm really enjoying life. I honestly feel like I'm on the path to making all my dreams come true. My focus is high and I refuse to let anyone or anything distract me.

Anywho, fast forward to yesterday afternoon. I receive a text from C asking could she ask me a question. I respond by saying that's cool. Instead of texting back, she calls. Said it's easier to just call than text. Her question was about disputing an item on her credit report. Don't get me wrong, it was good hearing her voice; however, I was scratching my head. It was 4pm on a Saturday, there was really nothing she could do concerning her case. Also, we had been conversing over IM, it coulda waited. Lastly, she had already done almost everything I would have suggested. I held serve after we finished talking about her problem. I did my best not to let the convo segue into "what are you doing". She ends by saying that she'll probably call me soon to follow up. I suggest she just email me and I'll critique it. Convo over.

Earlier that day, her bro (whom I'm still hella cool with) and I made plans to hang out that night with a couple other friends. Time rolls around for us to hang out, he calls me saying that C is coming too. Notice that he said C was coming, not C and her girlfriend. Long story short, C was unable to come. I reckon she heard that I was gonna be there and put the brakes on it real quick like. Who knows?

If C is in the right kinda place in her life, then I wouldn't mind her being back in mine. If she's still stuck in neutral, spinning her wheels, then she can be in my life but just in a reduced capacity. I suppose only time will tell where she truly is. Peace.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Freestyle Friday: Fall Cooldown Edition

* Today kicks off Breast Cancer Awareness month. After losing my mother to this terrible disease, I try to take any and every opportunity to support survivors and others affected. I urge you to donate time, money, prayer, whatever you can to this cause. I pray for the day that all cancers are eradicated from this earth.

* I cannot believe it is already October.....#goodness. This month is skirting right on along, but it's all good. Any day above ground is all good with me.

* If only folk on twitter used their power for good. I saw a TT yesterday called #eddielongshairpiece.....I almost lost it. Whether Long did it or not, there is some church somewhere that is dealing with this. The black church has to do better about ministering to gay folk. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is played out. Time for some real open dialogue.

* C and I have been talking a little more recently. I'm making sure that I keep my eyes completely open. Guarded optimism is the plan and I'm sticking to it. She has been quite human the last few times we've communicated. I don't know if she's turned a corner or is just peeking around it.

* Still no luck on that date I want to go on. It may would help if I get out more, but at the moment that gets the gas face. In due time, that will all work out for me.

* Working out is awesome. I finally have a good routine and it's working for me. The hardest part of starting a work out is starting working out. Once you get going, you're gonna like it and you will want to keep going. I will catch me a ball player by next summer. #smirks

Monday, September 27, 2010

You Got To Push Until You Get It....Right?

After reading a comment from one of newest e-homies, I got to thinking. The homie Kay told me that C never pushed me for a commitment. Not saying I'm Hugh Hefner by any stretch of the imagination. I have had a few chicks that really meant something to me. I've had several chicks fall by the wayside. The one thing they all have in common: they never pushed me.

For as long as I can remember, relationships have never been my thing. I could remember being back in high school seeing my homies boo'd up and all I could think to myself was "we're only 16, why are you doing this to yourself?" I didn't see the point. I mean really the odds of high school relationships making it past lunch were low; even lower for past graduation. Well that's cool, I'm still young, I'll grow into the relationship thing.

I remember in college seeing my friends boo'd up and all I could think to myself was "we're only 21, why are you doing this to yourself?" Plus there are fine women all over campus. We're gonna graduate soon and head off into the "real world" why in the heck would I want to be tied down at 22? Well that's cool, I'm just a senior in college, I'll grow into the relationship thing.

I meet women at a pretty good clip when I'm out and about. I can stand in the corner at a lounge/party/club and at least one woman will come by and chat me up. Occasionally I'll go on a date with a woman, but most times it doesn't go further than the first date. The few that do make it through my vigorous and sometimes unrealistic standards are usually content with just being in the service one more time. I think they figure if they've had it this far, no need to rock the boat. That works out just fine for me.

They don't push and I don't offer. I don't expect for a woman to beg and plead with me to make her my girlfriend. I'm sure that would be a major turnoff if it were to happen. I'm perfectly fine with just enjoying the moment without the restrictions of titles. I have never had a woman give me an ultimatum. Perhaps they don't think it's wise to have a relationship with someone they basically had to force into making a commitment. #shrug

If you're not dating anyone else, why won't you commit? Short answer: I think I'm afraid of being someone's girlfriend. I have no issue with being "someone I'm seeing" "someone I've been kickin it with". But once you break out that G word, I get sweaty. I also don't want have a gazillion girlfriends. If I become someone's girlfriend, I would hope she would be someone I want to be with for the long haul. I know times change and people change, but I don't think that is unreasonable.

Am I saying I've never met a chick I wanted to be with for the long haul? Nope, not at all. Part of the problem with C and myself is that I didn't make a commitment to her. Even when I was sure she was who I wanted, I sat on it. She didn't push me and I didn't offer. I'm not throwing the blame on her at all. I was at an age that I should have been able to sack up and do the right thing whether she insisted or not.

Nowadays, I can say that I'm making strides at correcting this. Learning that a title shouldn't change the situation. If I can go all in with being "someone special" then being a girlfriend shouldn't make a difference......I hope. Peace.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I May Look Kinda Funny....But I Ain't No Fool

C and I communicated the other day after a few months of silence. Not in person, not over the phone, but over IM. Initiated by her for the record. This is the second time she's hit me up over IM to have some kind of conversation.

This conversation went a little differently than the first one. Started off hella rocky to the point where I wanted to go hit her with the People's Elbow. It finally leveled off and got to a more cordial place. This entry isn't about the conversation but I feel like I'd be doing my readers a disservice by not at least hitting on the highlights of the convo.

* I was told that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I rebutted with you need to acknowledge your role in this situation.

* C says to me that she can't see us being cool again in her head. My reply: okay that's cool and all I needed to to know. #kbye Convo didn't end there

* She says that right now I'm a stranger to her. My reply: makes no sense but I hear you #whatevy Convo still didn't end

* I went ahead and told her that I did miss her and our friendship. In a shocker, she admitted the same. Headscratcher I know. If I miss you and you miss me, why are we still dancing around each other?

Anywho, after all of this I consulted with my handful of trusted advisors. I got all kinds of opinions and theories as to what is going on. I know that my homies don't want to see me get hurt. I don't think my blog could ever fully tell the story of how deeply I loved C.

I just want people to understand that I knew C for a long time before anything ever happened between us. We had a very good friendship that I cherished. I know that things cannot be like they were before and I can say that unless she's made some changes, I don't want them to be. I'm aware that I cannot sit up over C's house all night and vice versa. We cannot have that closeness that blurred the line. I'm not strong enough for that right now. I have no problem admitting that.

I do believe that we can have a casual friendship. A text here and there, chit chat on the phone once a week. Perhaps going out to the bar or to eat or something every once in a while. Things of that nature. Straight homie status........that's it.

I just want people to be there for me no matter what decision I make with this. The same way I'm there for them when they're making hard choices. I know that right now, I'm untested. I can sit up here all day and talk about how great a grasp I have on my feelings. However, when the battle comes, can I hold serve? Yeah, I could be putting myself in a sticky situation or I could get my friend back and won't miss a beat. The burning question is: How will I ever know if things can be different unless I give it a shot? Peace.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Ain't Sayin' She's a Bridezilla....

Over the weekend, I had the extreme pleasure of seeing one of my dearest friends get married. Not saying that my matrimonial clock is ticking, but whilst strolling around the reception I couldn't help but think about my wedding day. Unless one of the chicks I know finally get themselves together, I marry a homie that I've known for a minute, or have a lezzie romance.....that day is a ways off.

Even though I don't see myself getting hitched any time soon, there are some things I saw at my friends wedding that made think about.

* Wedding will start ON TIME!! Meaning if the invite says 1:13pm......the wedding will be starting at 1pm. I'm doing like old school church, I'm gonna have ushers stand by the door keeping latecomers out. If you're late, catch it on dvd.

* All husky bridesmaids have to wear strapped gowns. It's not the backfat that I worry about, it's the constant risk of wardrobe malfunction due to big boobies.

* Kids under the age of 7 (who are not in the wedding) will not be allowed. Your rugrat will not be talking and yapping and running all up and thru the wedding and reception.

* There will be no buffet style reception. You will be given a choice of chicken, beef, or fish as your main entree but sides will be determined by me. There will be fruit trays at each table for your snacking enjoying enjoyment.

* I'm seriously considering having an open bar. One: I don't think my wedding will be that big. I hang with a select group of folk plus I have an uber religious family who aren't 100% cool with teh ghey. Two: Having a cash bar encourages too much lingering and lines because people can't find their cash or are too busy complaining about the prices. I think that each guest will get 2 drink tickets and that's that.

* I'll kick it with my folk everyday before the wedding. On my wedding night, either I'm on honeymoon or at the honeymoon suite getting it in. I don't wanna see nobody but her that night. After the reception, you ain't gotta go home but we're getting the hell up outta here.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Freestyle Friday: One Day Early Edition

* I'm hella stoked about my homie's wedding this weekend. I'm so happy for her and her dude. Seems like they went about it the right way, together for 5 years, engaged for 1, no babies out of wedlock. After Saturday, the cheese stands alone. I will be the only out of my high school homies crew who isn't married and/or has child(ren).

* Piggybacking off #1....I think I'm backwards on the whole matrimony thing. Yeah, I want to get married but I really don't want to do the wedding thing. Maybe I'll just parachute in, say my "I do", slob her down, take off on my Ducati , and see her after she gets done with the reception. Streamlining is the way to go.

* I shoulda worked out double time this weekend. I know I'm gonna be eating like a straight clown this weekend. I will try not put on the full clown suit with makeup though.

* I love Man v Food. One of my favorite television programs. My dream in life is to meet a chick who isn't wide as all outside that can eat 20 wings in 10 minutes. I love a woman with an appetitie....tres' sexy. You can sit there and eat that half of a salad if you want....pass me that steak.

* I have taken a temporary leave from being the voice of reason. I have become weary from trying dissuade "grown folks" from making stupid choices. Now when someone approaches me with a bonehead idea, I am fully on board. Probably to the point where they think I'm patronizing them. So you want to propose to the chick you've only known 3 weeks? Let's do it! What time do you want to go to Tiffany and Co to pick out a ring?

* I can't stop watching Cee Lo's "Eff You". Dude is a musical genius, for real. I'm sure that song is lot of folks ringtone.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Eff You and Eff Her Too (3285 Days of C Pt 3)

"You had a rough break up and I want to help you find someone to take your mind off things." I spring that on C one day after work. I suggest we look on Yahoo Personals (back before it was a complete cesspool) and find her someone to go out with. I help her create a profile and suggest profiles that she should contact. She starts corresponding with this chick. Seems like a good match, into some of the same stuff, work in the same field. They decide to go on a date. I do everything but drop her off and give her $20 to have a good time. I watch her leave, head to the couch with my drink, and chill out.

I figure they'll go out a few times. C will realize that I am in fact as dope as I say I am and this whole ordeal will be over. Before I go any further, I want to say that while all this was going on with C and this new chick, I was still getting mine in. Don't want ya'll to think I spent every night pining away for C. #andbreak! Anywho, I was wrong in my calculations. C and the chick became a couple much to my chagrin.

The first few times I hung out with C and her new gal, let's call her Pip from here on out, were decent. Anyone who knew C and I, always would say that we interact like two people who are on a planet by themselves. It's always been like that. We'll sit and kee-kee like no one else is around even if we were in a crowd of folk. Apparently that didn't go over well with Pip. I became Public Enemy Number 1, 1, 1, 1, 1 (thanks Diddy). I thought C's first girlfriend hated me, Pip's hatred for me was 10x more intense. I guess I couldn't blame her. If my girlfriend talked to her friend all times of day and night, called her when she needed something instead of me, and just general too-muchness, I'd probably be a bit tight too.

During the relationship, I never felt disconnected from C. I saw her almost any time I wanted. We went out almost any time I wanted it. Even though Pip couldn't stand me, I remember times going over to her house while she was work to chill and watch movies with C. Then there was that Thanksgiving I went over to her house and C fixed me a plate on her good dishes. Mad foul I know. When they broke up or had an issue, I was always there to let her come chill or stay. Basically, I was her emotional standby girlfriend. Their relationship ended up being abusive. After a very ugly incident on Super Bowl Sunday, C and Pip broke up.

After the breakup, I let C come back to my place and stay for a while. I knew she was in a bad spot emotionally, so I did nothing unfriend like. I slept on the couch, no touchy-feely stuff, basically I gave her the space to feel whatever it she felt. I started seeing less of C and I figured out that she was back messing with Pip again. I went in on her and told her that she's not gonna be satisfied until Pip kills her. I told her that she's not gonna treat my apartment like its a storage unit. I wasn't trying to kick her out, but that's what happened.

I figured she would move back in with Pip, but she got her own spot. We didn't talk for a little while; that falling out that intense. I decided to be the bigger person and call her up one day. I didn't think that phone call would end with an invite to come over and see her new place. She let me know that she finally broke it off with Pip. We chilled out all that afternoon watching movies. It was just her and me again......just like the good ol days.

After Pip was finally gone from her life, she and I started to get close again. It was starting to feel like senior year of university all over again. I felt like we had turned that proverbial corner. I was ready to forget all the ups and downs that we've been through. Everything was going well until......."I have a date". #FOH Me: "that's cool, do what you do". She went on a few dates with, let's call her MB, but said she wasn't feeling the chick and they were just cool. The more she told me about MB, the more I realized that even if the feeling wasn't mutual MB fancied C. I informed C of this, but she dismissed it.

Fast forward a few weeks, I get a phone call at around midnight. It's C on the other end. "Hey, you wanna come over and go swimming?" I'm like at this time of night? #ohsnap It's about to go down. Tonight is the night like Betty Wright. Hells yeah I wanna come swimming. I want to swim for as long as she'd let me. I get over there in record time and we head to the pool. We're just floating, drinking, chillin' out. I'm semi-buzzed and horny as hell so you know I'm feeling really randy about now. About 30 minutes later, MB shows up. I don't pay it any mind because C has told me several times that ain't nothing going on with that. I'm all up on C, rubbing, touching, frisking, everything. I float around to the other side of the pool...swim back and I peep MB rubbing C's neck. Me being more buzzed than I was earlier calls her out on that on the the low. She talking bout "oh she's just friendly like that".

A couple hours pass and I guess MB figured out that I wasn't leaving, so she should skidaddle. As we're walking back, C flips on me. Talking about she didn't like how we treated her like a piece of meat. Telling me how I shouldn't have acted like that. How she and I are just friends and that I should get over it. Basically, talking real reckless. Enough is enough. I go ham on her. I tell her that her friend shouldn't have tried to flex on me. "Your feelings are collateral damage to me, I don't give a flip how you feel. Here I am trying to be all chivalrous. You let everyone else hit it, why shouldn't I?" Damn that felt good, I thought to myself. C was furious. Picture the cartoon characters with smoke coming out of their ears. That's exactly how C looked. She stammered and stuttered but no words come out. So what does she do? She pushes me. I stumble a back a little bit, more from the drinks I had than C's brute strength. I laughed which only made C even madder. Told her peace out and went home.

That is the last face to face interaction I've had with C in about a year. I figured by now, this "beef" would have been squashed, but it's not. MB and C are a couple now and they live together. C will probably never be woman enough to be honest about what happened between us. It's easier for her to say that I'm obsessed with her or that I made the whole thing up straight St. Elsewhere style. Do I think I've seen the last of C? Not hardly. So stay tuned....I'm sure part 4 will be sooner than you imagine. Peace.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Heartbreaker You Got the Best of Me (3285 Days of C Pt 2)

C and I didn't have sex that night (or any night for that matter), but the bond we had got even stronger after her visit. Things were awesome and I was floating on Cloud 15. She would ask me the age old question "what are we". I would always tell her that we're just two people trying to string together as many good days as possible. I wasn't interested in anyone else at the time, so I reckon the only reason why I wouldn't commit is I'm a commitmentphobe.

The idea of being hurt by love never scared me it. I was always more petrified of feeling so intensely for another person. I was scared of actually wanting to put someone (who wasn't fam) over myself. I was spooked by wanting to spend the rest of my life with a person. C really cared about me and that scared the crap out of me.

We continued along the "string of good days" path. In my mind, things were going well. I was going to visit as much as I could. I was shocked at how much of a shine her parents took to me. Even though they adored me, if I stayed over, C and I would sleep in separate rooms. I respected them too much to be up under their roof doing whatevy.

During this whole episode, my mother had been fighting cancer. She had been doing well most of the time, but that following year she took a turn for the worse and eventually died. C and her parents were there for me throughout. They even came down for the funeral; I thought that was hella decent of them. C knew that my mom was my air so she decided to come back to Houston with me for a little while so that I wouldn't be alone. I was hurting so badly but just having her with me made things a little easier to cope with. Time rolled around for her to leave. I remember walking her to security at the airport and just holding her. She's a good seven inches shorter than me, so I was resting my head on her head. I was tearing up but I knew that I would see her again since I was going to her graduation in a month. I knew that visit would be the time to ask her to be my girlfriend.

Three weeks later, C calls me up. We're chit chatting like usual until an eerie silence comes over her. "What's wrong" I ask. She takes a deep breath and straight up Gap Bands me........"I just want us to be friends again". #needlescratch #ruhroh I know I had been hella distant and difficult to deal with during that time, but heck my mom just died cut a sista some slack. She wasn't trying to hear that. She apologized for having such crappy timing, but she thinks its for the best. Her last words "are you still coming to my graduation?" What I wanted to say: "bish, you can matriculate deez nuts" What I actually said "whatever" *click*

I did in fact go to her graduation. I managed to put on a happy face for her family. I was gonna leave and go anywhere but near her until her family invited me to dinner. I'm moping hella hard walking inside, she comes beside me and asks me could I cheer up at least thru dinner. That is the first time I'd ever wanted to give her the Peoples' Elbow.

That night, she suggests we go to hang out and meet up with some of her friends. I'm thinking okay maybe she came to her senses and we'll get back to where we were. I get to the restaurant and who do I see? Her ex-girlfriend. That's the first time I ever wanted to give her a Stone Cold Stunner. You coulda sold me for a nickel when I saw them in that restaurant. The girl hates me so you know she was doing real extra at dinner. I played it cool and just chatted up the ex's friend. I noticed C and the chick getting into it on the low. They're lezzies so I know they'll be cool by the next round of drinks. I was right. Somehow all 4 of us ended up just strolling around downtown. The ex's homie and I in front and C and her girl behind us playing kissy face. That was the first time I ever wanted to piledrive C.

Once I got back to Houston, I avoided C. I didn't take her calls, her emails, nothing. One day I checked my voicemail and I heard this: "Hey, I got the job. Does the offer of me coming to stay with you still stand?" #facepalm #lesigh She was right, I did say that she could crash for a while if she landed a gig. I should have just said that offer was rescinded and told her to go screw herself. Against my better judgement, I told her to come on. I was faced with a choice. I could either pout and mope or I could use this as a chance to win her back. I chose the latter.

The first couple weeks of her staying with me were awkward. She slept on the couch. I would be in my room or playing Madden most days. I lived in a quasi studio, the bedroom was closed off, but there was no door leading into it. I would hear her talking on the phone to her girlfriend. That was the first time I wanted to roundhouse kick her. As with all lezzie relationships, they broke up after C found out the girl had been cheating on her....alot. #muttleysnicker That night, she was beside herself and ended up falling asleep in the bed with me. I shoulda carried her arse right back to the couch.

After that, we started our whatevering again. Sleeping in the same bed, playing house, basically being very unfriendly. Eureka! My plan worked, I got her back. #georgejeffersons WRONG! Again she hits me with we're just friends. Okay, screw it. You want friends?! I'll give you all the friends you can handle. I'm over you and to show you how over you I am, I'm gonna help you find someone new. I'll show that ain't nobody out there like me......

To be continued.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

3285 Days of C Part 1

Last night, I was watching 500 Days of Summer (awesome movie BTW). There was a line in the movie that said the best way to get over a woman is to put her in literature. I'm around 96% over C, but maybe this blog entry will put me at 100% or at least 99.999999%. This is gonna be long as heck but I'll tell as much as I can.

Let's turn on the wayback machine. Picture it: The Hill, fall of 2000. I can honestly say I don't remember the exact day I met C. I'm sure it was sometime during the first few weeks of school. We lived in the same dorm; I figure maybe just one day we ran into each other. You would think such a tumultuous "relationship" would have had a memorable beginning. Sorry to disappoint.

What does stand out about our early days is I do remember her being the study lab all the time. The homies and I would go out and come staggering in all times of night yet every time I hit that door, I would see C. I remember one night I actually stayed in to study and I ran across her in the lab. "Man, you must have a 4.0 because you're always in here". She chuckled. We chit chatted. Nothing major.

Over the next couple years, our interactions outside of the study lab were sporadic at best. She tutored me in Calculus (never woulda got that D without her). I'd drop by her room from time to time. Every once in a while she would join my crew at dinner. I figured we'd just be two ships passing in the night.

Fast forward to fall semester of my junior year. I had moved into a campus apartment (which were turrible). I was walking from my class and I see C. We hug and make small talk about the summer. I ask her where was she staying. She tells me that it was funny that I ask because she was in overflow housing but was had to move out that day. However, she had no transpo and was having a hard time getting someone to help her move. #pullscapeout I tell her that I have some free time and I don't mind helping. She's always been stubborn type, so I had to basically put her in my car and help move her stuff. We exchanged numbers after that, but really didn't see much of each other.

*pushes the fast forward button* Now it's fall semester of senior year. Out of the blue, C calls me one day. We catch up a little bit. Come to find out she was living in the same campus apartments I was staying in the year before. I suggest I fall thru and come hang out. I was sitting on her couch reading the newspaper and saw there was a fair Fort Smith (about 40 mins away). I suggest we go. I remember us having a good time there riding rides, playing games, grubbing like heck. She was in love with this pink Yankee fitted I had. I recall her taking off my head when I leaned down to tie my shoe up. She put it on her head and looked so cute. Before that moment, I never thought about her as nothing more than a friend mainly because she was straight.

After that night, we started hanging so tough. Every free (and not so free) moment I had, I was over at her place. She would cook or we would go out to eat. I did my homework there. I did my laundry there. There was just something about her. I was drawn to her like a moth to a flame. My day would feel weird if I didn't talk to her or see her. I guess it became very obvious because all my homies would have jokes everytime they saw me. "Oh you not over at C's house" "We almost forgot what you looked like" I didn't give a crap...I was loving every minute.

Graduation came. She was headed to grad school back in her hometown. I was headed home because I wanted a break and some time to just shullbit around. C and I would talk on the phone every single day. One day we were talking and the subject of bisexuality came up. I told her that I thought bisexuals were greedy and/or confused. "So what if I told you I'm messing with a girl" #eyebrowup Now that "friend" she was always talking about made sense now. I say "well if you're happy, I'd say good for you". #schwing The chick I've had a crush on for a year or so now does in fact get down.

C and her girlfriend had a rough relationship that eventually ended. C's girl hated my guts because I knew all the secrets that she had to beg for (shoutout to Brown Sugar). She hated how close we were. Even after I moved to Houston, that chick still hated me with the white hot of a million suns. Right after they broke up, I get a phone call from C. "What if I told you I liked you" #saywhat #comeagain I tell her that she's feeling vulnerable and she just likes that I'm not her girlfriend. Looking back.....wrong choice, Joyce.

A few months later, I had a scored my first gig so I had a little change in my pocket. I decided to fly to the Rock to see her. We had such a blast. She drove me back to the airport. We're sitting in her car. I want to kiss her so bad, but I had just shot her down a few months ago. She leans turn down the radio. "I had such a good time....I missed....umm lemme get out before I miss my plane."

"Okay I tried to fight it, but I really like you. That day in your car I wanted to kiss you so badly. I wish I had kissed you. Damnit, why didn't I kiss you?" I bombarded her as soon as she answered. Looking back.....I'm glad it wasn't her moms or something. She tells me that she wishes I had kissed her but there will be other opportunities. Whew! After that, it went to straight caking. I mean the talking on the phone til 4:30 am knowing I had to be up for work at 5 am. I mean the flying to Little Rock any chance I could.

Finally, she comes to visit me here in Houston. I was like a kid at Christmas. My face lit up when I saw her. I picked her up and spun her around.....giddy like a mofo. That day after we got back from lunch, we just laid in bed all afternoon and most of the evening. We were playing around for a bit. She decides that she wants to eat some of the Godiva chocolate she got from the mall earlier. She comes back to the bed and instead of laying beside me, she climbs on top of me.

I'm looking at her trying to apologize for being so dismissal about her feelings early on. *crumple unwrap* "Yeah it's cool, don't sweat it" *crumple unwrap* She takes a piece of chocolate and puts it in my mouth. I lick the little bit of melted chocolate from her fingers. She pulls her hair back then leans down to kiss me. Now, she had been playing and joking all day so right when she reaches my face..."I don't think I'm ready for this" Her jaw dropped and it got so quiet you could hear a mouse pissing on cotton. "I'm so sorry....OMG I'm so sorry" On the inside, I'm cracking up laughing. She was getting ready to get off me and I pull her back down. I let her know that I'm just playing and I had been waiting for this moment for a long time. She kissed me and I felt sparks fly through my body. It was electric. I wanted to kiss her all night long.

For once in my life, I wanted to suspend time. I wanted to lay there with her forever and just get lost in her eyes. This felt be continued.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Life in the Fast Lane

Back in high school, I didn't kick it much. Wasn't a fan of going to Homecoming dances, out of town football games, etc. I had my steady crew that I hung out with and just cooled out. Wasn't a busy body living life fast burning the candles at both ends. Fast forward a decade later and I'm so glad I didn't. Looking at most of my former classmates, I praise God for giving me wonderful parents, common sense, and the good sense to use contraceptives (back when I was into that sorta thing...#haha).

I can grab a picture of me at 12, 16, 20, 25, 28 and I look the same. Only thing that has changed about me really is my hair. Yeah, I got into some devilment (shoutout to my sis for that word) but I never was moving that fast. I looked at my classmates and thought to myself "what the heck have you been doing these past years". What have you been eating/drinking/smoking/snorting/etc that has caused you to age so ungracefully? I know kids will put some years on you, but dang. Can't put alladat on the kiddies.

I guess saying is true: if you can't be a good a warning. Those folk were definitely a warning. Peace.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

My Talents Have Returned to the H

Let me start off by saying that I am beat.....I'm talking straight exhausted. I don't think I was doing that much over the weekend, but still. Maybe it was the 2 hour flight delay last night.....#shrug.

First the family stuff: My little niece has become my shadow. I think it's kinda cute. One afternoon I had fallen asleep because my head was on straight thump. I just laid on top of the covers. I was half asleep and saw a little person put some covers on me, it was my niece. Such a sweet little girl.

I went to put some flowers on my moms' grave. Usually I can keep it together when I go out there, but not this time. I straight lost my stuff as soon as I put the flowers out. I don't think I ever cried that quickly and that hard ever in life. I didn't want my pops to hear me crying because I didn't want to make him sad. I managed to pull it back together thanks to my little sis.

Now onto the other stuff. I will say that I'm officially NO longer a part of the class of 2000. How you gonna call me when I'm at the airport to say the reunion is canceled (again)? How can you not come up with $50? I know that I'm extremely blessed and can afford most things I want, but still. All the weed and liquor some of these folk go thru and you can't scrounge up a fiddy spot? Whatevy. Don't call me in 2015 because at 33 I will NOT hesitate to tell them where and how to get off.

Overall, it was a good trip. Got a chance to get away from Houston for a while. Recharge my battery. My visit did make one thing crystal clear to me: I'm glad I don't have any children. I'm sure they're a blessing and all that good stuff, but I'm way too something to have any seeds of my own. Wrap it up, kids! Peace.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Freestyle Friday: The Wednesday Edition

I'm pretty sure that I won't be around a computer long enough to churn out any blog entries over the weekend. Ergo, I'm moving Freestyle Friday up a couple days. All the usual FF goodness in a creamy Hump Day covering.....#heh.

* I absolutely LOVE Market Pantry cheddar rice snacks. I'm sure I could eat those morning, noon, and night if I could.

* I hate packing clothes. Even if I took half my closet on a trip, I'd still feel some kinda way about my outfit choices. I dress according to my the heck am I supposed to know how I'm gonna feel Saturday when it's only Wednesday? I'm such a Pisces.

* I do not like flying....AT ALL. I have been praying that I get over this feeling. God is the same on the ground, in the sky, under water, where ever. I probably won't ever love flying, but if I can get somewhere near like I'd be good.

* Straight women who are open minded are awesome. I don't mean open minded as in curious, but open minded as in wanting to have non-judgmental fun conversations about teh ghey. I always like when they want to know whether or not they give off gay. It's cute.

* I think I may be on the verge of getting something I've wanted for a minute. I do want it, but some circumstances around it needs to change. I'm no longer in that "soon as she buy that wine I just creep up from behind" business. If I'm gonna do this, I'd like for it to be legit as possible.

* I've never been one of those people to cringe when "their kind" does something ridiculous. Last night I winced watching Brandi on the Bad Girls Club basically try to sexually assault the chick in the house. Lesbians already get a bad rap as these aggressive straight women headhunters as it is.

* Lastly, I know it's the WHA but I'm gonna try to have a good time. Can't wait to see my folk and my babies (heck they're almost tall as me, but still my babies).

Friday, August 27, 2010

Freestyle Friday: Is it Vacay Yet?

* Yesterday was the 5th year anniversary of my locs! Man, I've come a long way like those slim cigarettes from Virginia. I love my hair just as much today as I did when I first started. This heat has made me second guess sometimes, but I'm hanging in there.

* I finally got my baby back on yesterday. #stoked I was a bit tight that they jerked around with my seat, but I think I finally got it back right. It's running like a dream. I pray and believe that nothing else goes wrong and it runs for at least 14 years.

* I really think I've become quite jaded with humanity. Not to say I don't like to get out from time to time, but for the most part, people disappoint and disgust me. I'd rather hang out by myself.

* Speak of disappointed and disgusted.....C really needs to grow up. I'm not gonna play these little games with her. I feel like the tables have turned. She's dancing on her hind legs trying to get any kind of attention from me. It's not my fault that when you lay in bed, I'm all you think about. You had your chance and you blew it. #toughbreak

* Next week is my class reunion. I still feel some kinda way about it, but I'm gonna try and be a champ about this. There is one chick in particular that I definitely want to see what's good with. I'm about 73% sure that she may get down. Gotta see if my 'dar is on point.

* ETHER BOY!!!! I just felt like saying that.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

There's Got to Be a Morning After

At the request of my homie, EssKay, I will now tell the rest of the story about W. Up and up and away. Disclaimer: this entry may be long as heck, but I'll make it as enjoyable as I can.

We left our fearless hero (me) laying in the bed with W. I woke up before she did, but since she had me a in kung-fu grip I couldn't move. A little later I hear a soft groan, it was her waking up. "Good morning" She kisses me on my forehead. I managed to crack a little smile and muster up an answer. One would have thought this interaction would have gone differently. However I did what any normal 18 year old did after "sleeping" with her good friend....I took off. I hopped out of the bed and told W I'd catch her around.

I spent the next few days trying to avoid her as much as possible. If she called, I didn't answer. In class, I'd only talk about class work. If she asked to hang out, I had to wash my hair. I freaked out not because I was gay, but I didn't want to "turn" anyone gay. I felt like W was just confused and my gay self was corrupting her. That sounds weird now, but hey I was 18....I didn't have all the answers yet. Finally enough was enough, W cornered me after class one day and told me we needed to talk. It was an away football game and since my roommate was in the band, my room was the best place to do so.

*knock knock* #gulp I open the door and she walks in. No pleasantries. "Why have you been acting stranger than normal?" #side-eye Not only did she charge me up, she had jokes. My defense was just to deflect and make it seem like she was the one who was buggin'. But it was something about her that wouldn't let me play her out like that. "Umm, I don't want to make you gay" I blurted out. She looked at me and I could sense relief in her eyes. She suggests that we have a seat on the bed. She explains to me that we're both young and no one has to make any kind of declarations on what they are or aren't. She tells me that she likes me, didn't matter whether I was a chick or a dude.

The air was cleared, so there was only one thing left to ask her......"you wanna go get something to eat?" LOL...we went to the cafeteria and had dinner. We come back to my room. She hops on the computer and I turn on the tv and sit down on the bed. I look at her just sitting there and a thought pops in my mind...'you got this cute chick here, are you gonna sack up or not?'. I chose to sack up and do this. "Come here yo"....she laughs and says back playfully "Yo? I'm not one of your little friends, so try again" Take 2. "Would you be so kind as to come here please?" She walks over to the bed and stands in front of me. Before she gets a chance to say anything else, I pull her down and put my lips to hers. I pull away to see her reaction. Stunned but seemingly cool. She leans in and gives me a kiss that made my knees weak.

Erotica is not my calling, so this won't be as graphic as it could be so here goes: We're going at it, making out like crazy. Kissing like that only leads to one thing, so it was time to make it do what it do. I undressed her little by little and kissed her all over her body. One last check to make sure she was cool with whatever that was about to happen. She consented and I took a trip downtown. I figured my best strategy was just to do what I would want done to me and gauge her reactions. Turned out pretty well for the both of us.

W and I kept whatever we had going for about another year or so. She sat me down one day and told me that she met a dude and they were hanging out. No arguments, no tears. We both knew that would happen sooner or later. As time went on, W and I started seeing each other less but there was no bad blood. Folk just were getting busier and really didn't have free time like that. As W and I dwindled away, I was hanging out more with another friend, C......and so it began.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Freestyle Friday: The No Catchy Title Edition

* I really do miss my car. I'm very thankful for a great warranty that hooks me up with a rental whilst I wait. God is truly good.

* I weighed myself the other day. I've lost 10lbs which is less than expected. I was feeling some kinda way about it until my trainer (read: my brother) told me I was doing very well. So I'm more determined than ever. Gotta catch me a baller......LOL.

* My little sis wants to come live with me. Surprisingly, I didn't tell her heck no. I'm actually considering it. I want to wait to see how my financial situations are looking before I say yes or no. I'm doing some serious praying about it. I think it would be a good idea to get her away from the WHA. Nothing for teens to get into but trouble and draws there.

* I am having the worst time finding a decent flight. I may bite the bullet and ask my homie about a buddy pass. However, I know she has folk hitting her up all the time just to get passes, not trying to be like them. Perhaps I'll offer her half of what the fare is going for online. She gets to line her pocket and I get to fly at a discounted rate. Everybody wins!

* I'm hella stoked about this gig I got coming up next month. I'd be a lie if I said I wasn't nervous as all get out. I know that I have to be confident and just go do my thing. I know it's gonna be awesome. Plus I should get plenty of action......chicks dig DJs.

* I got a good life and I'm mad appreciative about it. Yesterday, I heard the chick behind me announce that she only has $43 in her checking account. I'm glad I had on my headphones so she wouldn't have asked me to comment on that. I'm not ballin' out of control (yet) but I'm not hurtin' either. Thanks once again, God.

* Polo time!! I haven't treated myself to any new Polos in at least a month and a half. Time to go cop some new ones. Hope they have some good colors out right now. #yayme