Monday, August 31, 2009

No Mondays In Sight

Another Monday........another start of a hopefully productive week. Usually, I'd be dragging majorly, but actually I feel pretty energetic and optimistic this morning. It's a pretty good feeling and I plan on getting as many miles out of it as possible.

Over the weekend, I finally did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. It had been way too long. I wanted and needed it very badly. One could say I was yearning for it. Well I did it and it felt just as good as the last time I did it. Oh you pervs...........I'm talking about sleep. I slept and slept all this weekend. On the couch, on the bed, under the covers, on top of the covers. I was like sleeping beauty up in that piece. It came right in the nick of time. I was had been feeling so tired over the last week or so. I got my battery recharged and I'm good to go.

Friday night, I attended a birthday function for a friend of mine. I had a wonderful time. Once again, I was surrounded by beautiful women all night long. I won't sit up here and say that I'm shy.....probably the best description is that I'm quiet and laid back. I'm slowly getting into the groove of making conversation with new people. The good thing about women is that all you have to do is listen and put in a word or two here and there. They will handle the talking, you just appear interested. It's even better if you can put a joke in to keep them laughing. All in all I had a great time. I really want to keep this recent trend going. I've been having a blast.

It's been a long time since I've felt this good. Not just about my social life, but life in general. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Each moment that passes by I get more excited than the last. It's my time. For real. Peace.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Feels Like Junior High.........Sans the Puberty and Social Awkwardness

Folks, I do believe I have a crush. I'm not certain at my age it's still called a crush. For argument's sake, we shall call it that. If you have any suggestions for another word, feel free to send them my way.

There was a point in time where I thought I would never dig anyone else. I had a strong case of one-itis. If there was a level above tunnel vision........I had it. I couldn't see anyone else nor did I want to. I was content having a tenth of a person who didn't want me. Don't get me twisted: I'm not sitting up here saying I'm 100% over it. That would be a lie. A wise friend of mine told me that you have to own stuff no matter how much of a tool it makes you. I'm owning it and since it's mine I plan on putting it in a casket and burying it. I digress because this is a happy blog.

I was always skeptical of people who claimed that one day a light came on as it pertains to them liking someone. I doubted that a person could pinpoint the exact time they started looking at a someone as a potential. I still do. I don't know when things changed and to be honest I don't care. Even if nothing comes from gives me new hope and a new outlook on myself. I like how it feels. It's been a long time since I've been "on the prowl".

The person I'm diggin' on is, in my opinion, amazing. What I like so much about her is she's totally opposite of what I expected. She's one of the coolest people I know. She's balanced. She knows when to crack a joke and when to give a shoulder to cry on. She's hella classy but can definitely win a farting match. LOL. She gets all my random corny jokes. She's just as dorky and nerdy as me. There's a lot more but you get the picture. Lastly........she's beautiful. Inside and out.

I cannot predict what will happen with all of this. I won't try. Having a crush takes me back to a simpler place and time. It's a nice little trip down memory lane. I'm just gonna enjoy the ride and take in the scenery. Peace.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

It's More Than A Hairstyle

August 26 is the birthdate of my locs. Seems like a trivial thing to celebrate the anniversary of a hairstyle. My locs hold a great deal of joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, accomplishment, and failure. Above all of that, my locs keep me connected to my mother.

Back in 2005, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Just like most cancer patients, she lost her hair. I wanted to shave my hair off in support of her but she wasn't having it. I wanted to do something more to show my solidarity. I decided I would get locs. My mother was going on a journey, so why not take one myself?

I sat in the chair as the lady chopped my hair down to about an inch (if that). I looked in the mirror and saw that my little bitty fro looked just like my mother's little bitty fro. My mother smiled when she noticed I was looking at her. A couple hours later, I was all twisted up ready to embark on my journey.

My mother took quite a shine to my locs. She loved them. She would always want me to take pictures of them. She would play in them. She really thought they were cool. Truth be told, there were quite a few days I wanted to tap out and cut them off. I never could do it, not because my mother would be disappointed, but because if she didn't give up on a journey that was a battle for her life then surely I can stay committed to mine.

My locs symbolize something much deeper than just a fashion trend. They are a constant reminder of something special that my mom and I share. I sometimes catch myself playing with them and a my eyes get a little misty. Other days when I'm feeling down I can touch one and think about her oiling them or cleaning them and I smile. Even if I ever decide to cut them off, I will keep one in a box so that I can have one to touch when I need to "touch" her. Peace.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Guess Your Soul Doesn't Have Airbags

I can honestly say that over the last week or so I've felt pretty good. I have had a lot of fun and got a lot of stuff accomplished. Today, I came crashing back down to Earth..........HARD!

I'm trying to stay away from the ledge, but it's been hella hard today. There have been at least 3 times I wanted to double click that box and say anything. I know I shouldn't. She's the one who told me to leave her alone. Alone is what she asked for and I have no choice but to oblige. It hurts, but nothing I can do about it.

Everyone tells me how I should feel and where I should be. Spectulating on my emotions and feelings. They don't know what is in my head or heart. All that belongs to me. Too many Armchair Quarterbacks and Sideseat Drivers. I'm sorry if I'm not there yet. Maybe they are built like that and I'm not. No matter how dusty, bruised, battered, this friendship of ours's still a friendship. It's hard to just give a big middle finger to someone who you have grown up and matured with. Even if she can do it, I can't. Perhaps I'm not wired like that. I've never subscribed to this theory of a disposable society.

What bothers me the most is that now I'm the bad guy. It's as if everything that I did prior to earlier this month no longer exists. All the times that I was there disappeared into thin air. Just like erasing a hard drive. Life is funny that way. Too bad I'm not laughing.

I know this is just a moment, if I can hold firm I will be fine. I've apologized and made peace with everything I did or didn't do. It's just a moment.........this too shall pass.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Shaking Off the Monday Blues b/w Down Memory Lane

This morning I was oh so close to staying in. Felt like the Mondays had me in a headlock. I took a deep breath and got on up. I felt like a kid dreading her first day of kindergarten.

Today marks the first day of school for a lot of children in the area. I caught myself thinking back a decade ago to my first day of my senior year in high school. I was so stoked. Not to see my friends, but stoked because that was the last year I had to be in that hell-hole.

University is what I was waiting for. I knew that would my chance to get away from that hometown of mine. I wasn't gonna let anything or anyone stand in my way. My friends were all like "have fun.....wild out.....our last year". Whatever. Ya'll busters can stay here if you want....this train is out of here on the first thing smokin.

Don't get me wrong. I had a lot of fun my senior year. I remember football games, pep rallies, chillin on the hill with my friends, crushes, etc. Lots of fun with people that I was certain that I never would see after that year was up. For the most part, this thought became a reality.

I spent some of the summer before my senior year in Arizona hanging out with a friend of mine who had moved out there. I met this guy who was a friend of hers. He was handsome, older, and actually a nice guy. He told me that he thought I was cool which turns out in guyspeak to mean we should hook up. While it was fun, I never felt like my mind was into it. Probably because his sister was on my mind. She was a wild child. Life of the party. Total opposite of what I considered myself. Everytime she was around, I couldn't help but to stare. She wasn't the finest thing on earth.......but she was decent looking. I remember having a funny feeling anytime she'd touch me.

I was told about gay people. Nasty folks possessed by demons and had a one way ticket to hell. I thought to myself, surely I'm not possessed by demons. There was nothing demonic about the feelings I had about the girl in Arizona. However, I was terrified to tell anyone about them, so I kept it all thoughts to myself. My friends wouldn't understand and my mother would never speak to me again.

Thinking back, I now ascertain this as the moment I realized that I was a lesbian. That was way too much for my 17 year old mind to handle; therefore, I did what just about every African American small town kid with an uber-religious parent did..........I suppressed it.

To be continued?

Friday, August 21, 2009

Freestyle Friday

Decided to come down for a little while and just blog about some random things that have passed through my head over the last few days.

* Usain Bolt is in beast mode on the track. I pray his speed is legit and he's not doping or anything.

* I feel bad for the South African runner who was raked over hot coals in the media. But what can you expect from a country that has "corrective rapes"?

* I'm glad football season is back. I'll be even happier when the regular season starts.

* I was reading a post on a message board about would you date someone with bad credit. I was shocked that more people said they wouldn't date someone with shoddy credit. I would date a chick with bad credit if she was working on fixing it and avoiding that same pitfall. Marriage is a whole nother story.

* I don't see what the big deal is with The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Isn't only 1 or 2 them married? Heard it's pulling in mad ratings for Bravo.........they'll ride this one til the wheels fall off.

* Are there any "black" shows on this upcoming television season? I know The Game got cancelled. Wasn't it like the only one?

* There is something about a cute chick reading a book that just does something to me. Mama I'm In Love With a Thug isn't on the list.

* I'm torn between buying a dining room set or a new tv. Perhaps the money would be better spent elsewhere seeing that I watch tv less than I cook (which isn't too often).

* There's nothing wrong with liking your car and not wanting anything to happen to it. However, if you treat your car like it's the only one in the becomes a magnet for dents, scrapes, and various other dings.

* I have one guy on my Yahoo IM list. It's becoming a real clam fest on there. Where are the dudes?

* I think the post office is my least favorite place to go to in the WORLD! Why they got rid of the stamp machine is beyond me.

* I need to find a restaurant buddy. I like going out trying new places. I'm not above going on my own, it's just cool to have someone there to critique with.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Nice Guys May Finish Last, but They Finish Strongest

"You're so nice". Countless men and women shudder when that phrases comes out of the mouth of someone they're feeling. For the most part, that phrase is the kiss of death. If you're diggin' someone and they tell you over. Being nice is the 21st century equivalent of being a leper.

Back in the day, I hated to be called nice. Not because I'm really mean, but because I never considered myself to be nice. To me, I was always myself. It's always been other people who have pegged me as nice. Nice, in recent terms, means boring, lame, weak, so on and so forth. Glad to say that now I have wisened up and now know that nice is just nice. I won't apologize for my parents raising me to be kind and respectful. I cannot expect people who weren't raised similarly to understand my niceness. I don't go around screaming "I'M NIIIIIIIICCCCCCCCCEEEEEE" from the mountaintops. No need. My actions show it.

I'm far from a push over. Timid I am not. Don't let the smooth taste fool you. If I have to buck up to defend myself or my loved ones, I'm there. This does not mean I'm gonna fight some chick in a parking lot because she scuffed my sneakers. That's ignorant. I have a spine and I have never been scared to stand up for myself and/or what I believe in.

I'm patient. I'm extremely laid back........maybe even too laid back. I don't anger easily or often. At times, I do accommodate more than I should. I'm not into playing mind games or any games (not including sports, board games, or video games) for that matter. I honestly care about other people's well being sometimes to the detriment of my own. I always show love and respect, even if I don't get the same amount back. If I sense weakness, I automatically become protective. My first instinct is to give a person a kind word, not dogpile or tease them. I do none of this for props. I do these things because they are a part of me.

There were so many nights I wished and hoped and prayed that I could be a jerk. The anti nice woman movement was going so strong. I realized that just because a few chicks didn't appreciate me and what I'm about, doesn't mean that's the consensus. I'm not gonna change my ways for people who don't or won't accept me for who I am. Screw them! One of these days, they will strongly regret passing me by. Even if they don't regret not linking up with me, they will regret that they disrespected someone who genuinely respected them.

To all my nice guys and ladies out there..........keep being yourself. Don't switch your style up for someone who will probably want a new style two months down the road. Besides that person will do nothing to nurture your kind nature. Instead of coming to your level, they will insist on dragging you down to theirs. Keep living your life. Do not get discouraged when you see "jerks", "players", and the like get a person that you like. Don't get down on yourself. I can say this with great will find someone who wants nothing less than a nice person. Until then stay on course, make sure you always stand up for yourself, and if you buy flowers.......always get the coupon off Yahoo! Peace.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

More Than Just a Four Letter Word

Love. Easy to say. It's only one syllable, but it packs quite a punch. We all want it. Not all of know how to give it and sometimes don't even know how to receive it. It's just a four letter word. Is it really that hard?

I think of all the people I know who are in relationships/marriages. If I had to count how many I think are good and stable relationships (not including my parents since my mom is deceased), I would say I know 3 people who are in G&S relationships. I've seen these people interact with their mates and I think to myself "hey they actually enjoy being around each other". The rest are just two people playing sadistic games with downtime sprinkled with rare moments of not entertaining thoughts of various felonies. Now they swear up and down that they are in love. They say that love is hard work. Love takes dedication and patience, but it's not that complicated.

Love gets complicated when two people who probably don't like themselves get together for selfish gain. I love you because you screw me when I want. Or I love you when you shut up and take me shopping. I love you as long as you're rubbing me the right way. The minute you stop.......I really can't stand you and will tell you so. That isn't love. Love gets complicated when people treat it like as excuse. "I coulda nailed so-n-so, but I didn't because I love you". Is that really supposed to make me feel good about myself? "I may mess with other people but I always come home to you because I love you." Really? Just stop it.

Love isn't sex. Even dogs have sex. Actually, I think sex is one of the easiest things to "fix" in a relationship. However, we all know a person who is in a relationship that's toxic only because their mate is good in bed. Love isn't being able to spend a whole day together. Congrats! You made it 24 hours without cursing your girlfriend out. Clearly you two are well on your way to matrimonial bliss.

I enjoy seeing people who are in love. One day I will experience that love and it will be reciprocated. I've been hurt countless times, but I've never given up on love. Never will. Did those people who passed on me lose out? I wouldn't say they did. I feel that I will make an awesome girlfriend. They did what they felt was best for them. Can't be bitter over that. Instead of bitter, I decided to be better. I can constantly work on self, so that when that 3%er does come along, I'm ready. I do know that I will not waste my time dating and mating with 97%ers. I'd rather spend my whole life waiting on the right one than to waste my life away with the wrong one(s). I have love from God, love from my family and friends, and love from myself. Not looking for someone to complete me because I'm whole already. Guess thats why I can take my time and find the one instead of finding the one for the moment. Peace.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Weekend Report b/w No Rest For the Weary

Last weekend was one of the most fun weekends I've had in a while. It's so good to hang out with people who really enjoy your company. Going new places and trying new things is a blast as well.

Friday night, I went to a Happy Hour for a friend of mine. I spent the whole night surrounded by some of the most beautiful women that Houston has to offer. Like Cube said, "it was like one of those fly dreams". They came in all sizes, hues, heights, etc. It was like a class reunion for Fine High. It wasn't just their beauty that I liked so much, it was how funny and sweet they all were. They weren't like "oh I'm pretty so worship me". They cracked jokes and just hung cool. I really enjoyed myself.

Saturday was my first golf lesson. I've "played" golf before and I'm not too shabby at miniature golf. However, learning the sport is gonna be a little bit more challenging than I thought. I'm also gonna have to find a hat or visor........I was sweating like a runaway slave caught with a picture of a white lady in his pocket. I digress. The first thing we learned is how to grip the clubs properly. That part is pretty easy. So where did the challenge come in? The swinging for the chipping. Golf, at least chipping, definitely favors southpaws. I went in trying to Barry Bonds the balls only to find out you need finesse. We chipped for a good hour or so. I definitely have to practice on not flipping my wrists or letting my right hand dominate. All in all I had a great time. Can't wait until next Saturday's lesson.

Saturday night I decided to go to the movies with a chick I met. She's not my type (and I believe vice versa) but she's cool people. We went to go see The Goods. I read the reviews beforehand and went into it with very low expectations. It had some very hilarious parts with lulls in between. Without spoiling the movie, I will say I hate those subplots of guy meets girl, guy meets girl's obnoxious/lame boyfriend/husband/cutbuddy/etc, guy spends movie trying to woo girl. I don't how often that works in real life, but I've met chicks with lame mates and not once did they leave said mate for me. Sorry, went off on a tangent. Anywho, I give the movie 2.75 stars. Don't pay full price to go see it but as matinee or dollar show......go for it.

Sunday was church day. The message at church was awesome as usual. Bishop talked about staying in step with the Spirit on our walk with God. He also touched on loving our neighbor as we love ourselves. (Galatians 5) I don't think I've ever had a problem with loving anyone. No matter how you treat me, I'm gonna love you and respect you. However, there is not a nann scripture in the Bible about me having to LIKE you. Didn't sleep well last night because my mind was running at 160 mph. Still trying to get peace in my life about certain situations. It's a long process, but I'm willing to put in the work.

I'm claiming and believing this week to be a wonderful week. Everything that happened last week is over and done. Tomorrow isn't promised. Just focus on the moment and let God's will be done. Peace.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Can't Live Forever

I know it's Friday and I should be all light hearted and upbeat. Indeed I am, but today's topic won't be. I was reading on a message board about death and whether or not you fear it. Some of the responses were interesting enough to inspire this blog.

Death to me is one of those things you know is going to happen. You can't do anything about it. So, you put it on the backburner but you know it's still there. I can't say that I don't fear death. I can't say that I do fear death. I will say that I accept death as a part of life. Not the most pleasant part of life, but a part nevertheless.

I watched my mother take her last breath. Between the tears I wondered where did she go. I see her shell but where is she? As a believer, I know one of these days I will live with God in Heaven. That I know. What I don't know is while we are "waiting" for the Return, where are we? Are you just asleep, chillin, in limbo? The unknown of your temporary place is kind of what troubles me.

I know that I don't want to die young. The decision (or any of the other two things) is not mine, but just stating that fact. There are a lot of things I want to accomplish and see in this natural life. I don't want to die violently. The thought of someone blasting my head off is enough to make me dizzy. I don't want to die alone. I don't even think an animal should die alone. As hard as it was to experience it, I held my mother's hand until her chest didn't rise again. I caressed her hand and spoke assuringly to her that she could rest. I told her that she did good and one of these days I'll see her again. I pray that my being there was some kind of comfort for her.

Death will happen. No ducking it. No dodging it. No bribing it. No sending someone else to do it for you. Each day is a gift and a blessing. Physical death is a part of life, but if you're walking around here dead........stop it. Go out and enjoy life. Find some kind of joy or reason to get out of bed each day. Don't sweat what you can't control. Remember: Everybody dies but not everybody lives. Peace.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Sure It Was a Movie but Really What Do Women Want?

The question in my title has spanned thousands of years. The cavemen probably pondered about it. The Persians probably wondered about it. Even the Qin dynasty couldn't figure it out. In 2009, anyone who dates women is shrugging their shoulders. I'm a female and couldn't tell you what women want in a mate. You may have one eyebrow raised over what I just said. When I say women, I am talking about "average" woman which probably makes up around 97% of all women. I believe I am in the 3% who actually knows what she is looking for in a mate/relationship. Before you get all up in arms, this will not be a woman bashing entry. Just observations and information from myself and other people I have talked to.

Women want someone who is honest. Mostly false. You can be Honest Abe if the cashier gives you too much change back. You cannot be honest if she asks you why you don't want to move in with her. You tell a chick you can't move in with her because she's irresponsible with money, she's gonna flip out. You were being mean and were clearly out to hurt her feelings. Apologize the minute you get not pass Go do not collect $200. A woman asks you what are you thinking and you answer "I'm thinking about the 1st round draft pick of the Titans and what his stats will be for the season"........if you live together go to the spare room, if you don't go home. The correct answer for future reference is something related to her, but not any faults of hers.

Women want equality. Nope. Women want equality when it is beneficial to them. Better way to put it they want to be on the pedestal but considered equal. Give her equal pay but if she hears a bump in the night.......she want you to go downstairs. Umm, that gunshot may not be equal dear. Why can't you go? I mean someone should lock themselves (meaning me) in the room while you go downstairs and take a look. How about you kill that spider for a change?

Women want someone who is nice. WRONG! Nice is the kiss of death with a woman. Nothing makes a woman madder than a person who does what she asks without grumbling or complaining. You do something out the kindness of your heart to put a smile on her might as well have kicked her puppy and pissed in her mother's flower bed. Women are very distrusting. Nice has been associated with sneaky. If you're nice to a woman whether you just met her, don't know her, or have been in her life for years......obviously you're trying to get into her draws. Am I saying that people like that don't exist? Not at all. If you're using nice as a gimmick then you're wack plain and simple. Also, nice is synonym of boring. And we all know women's infantile like need for excitement. In this case, excitment means drama.

Women are 9 times out of 10 confused. To a woman walking away from an argument means you do not care about her. If you stay and duke it out with her, then clearly you're fighting for her and the relationship. Women believe that if there are no (very) hard times in the relationship then ya'll must be doing something wrong. To a woman it is "unpossible" for a relationship to go smoothly. If things are going smoothly with ya'll, then it's obvious that you have another woman on the side that you are arguing with and experiencing weekly bouts of hellacious moments.

Women are known for wanting to make decisions but not wanting to make any kind of decision. Don't believe me? Go home. Call home. Ask your woman what does she wanna have for dinner to tonight. She's gonna say she doesn't know. Follow up with a suggestion. She's gonna say "eww we just had that or I don't like that". Ask her again what does she want. Her final answer "I dunno, you decide". Now if a woman can't decide on something as simple as what she wants to eat, how can she be independent? Even if a woman is truly independent, she doesn't want to be. She wants someone to make decisions for her BUT don't let her know you're making all the decisions. You do that and you're trying to control her. Turn around and let her make all the decisions. She'll accuse you of being a spineless wussy who lets their woman make all the choices. In a perfect world, there would be middle ground but we're not dealing with logical creatures here people.

Women are never satisfied.........EVER!!! No matter what you do, you could have done it better and/or differently. They will find some reason to complain or criticize. You can't please them permanently. If you're lucky, you can please them for a moment. Only for them to return with criticism from something that took place 2 weeks ago. In addition, she won't have any better suggestions. All she knows is that you didn't satisfy her. Don't hang your head. Just see Chris Rock's piece on the diamond'll understand.

This is only the tip of the iceberg about the folly of women. In short, women are walking contradictions. They are constantly being pulled by the polarizing forces of logic (which makes sense) and chick logic (which makes no sense). They will do stuff that will leave you scratching your head and if you're not careful.....looking at the bottom of a bottle of Johnnie Walker. The ideal solution is find a 3%er. The next to best solution is to find a woman is trying to break the shackles of the chick logic. Worst solution.......ask a woman what she wants and hang on for dear life as you go up and down and back and forth with her.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

"I know what I want out of life." "I know who I am." "I'm sure of myself." How many times have you heard someone say one of those phrases? How often do their actions match with these statements?

I am convinced that most people have no convictions. That's why they're all over the map in the things they do and the things they say. I'm always working on self and improving self; however, I know what self I'm working on. I'm comfortable in my own skin.......I actually like......dare I myself. I know what I want, how I plan on getting it, and what can of people I want around in my life.

I find it so sad and disheartening when I run into people who are just blowing in the breeze. They do stuff because the stuff is there and they live in the moment with no regard for the big picture. I'm a very methodical person who stays away from things that are not conducive to my idea of what self is. Does that make me rigid? Do I have tunnel vision? No and no. I'm steadfast to my beliefs, values, and goals. Not spinning around on my aboveitallicopter either.

If you're blowing in the breeze, I really want you to take stock of yourself. The first step of having convictions is knowing what you're about. If you don't know what you're about.....pray and meditate. Be able to know what you expect from yourself and others.......demand that you keep your standards as well as anyone that you allow into your life. If they can't deal with it, so be it. Be warned that people who no sense of direction and no convictions probably won't like you too much. The quickest way to scare someone with no convictions off is to know who you are. It can be a lonely road, but the destination will be awesome. Peace.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Only Two Things Needed

The last week or so has been very trying and dare I say taxing. I have a multitude of safe places I go when I feel like the walls are caving in. Church happens to be one of them. Yesterday's message came from the book of John chapter 4. For those who don't read the Bible or memory is a bit rusty, this passage is about Jesus talking to the Samaritan woman at the well.

Jesus had sent his disciples into town to buy lunch. While he waited on them he asks a woman at the well for a drink. Now back in the day, Jews and Samaritans didn't have any dealings with one another. Naturally, the woman was shocked. Jesus goes on to tell her that if she knew who he was, she would have asked him for some living "water". Now the woman is intrigued and asks Jesus where can she get this water. Jesus tells her to go get her husband. She replies that she has no husband. Jesus tells her that she right. She has had 5 husbands and the one she has now isn't hers. There is more to this story, but its not relevant to this blog. The message at church was coming to God in spirit and in truth. The woman spoke to Jesus as herself and she was honest about having no husband.

Last night, I decided to try out this spirit and truth thing. I came to God just as I am and was 100% honest. I told Him about things and situations in my life that I felt so heartbroken and confused about. I cried out to Him telling him that even though I'm not perfect, I can say that I'm not who I used to be. I let Him know that in the midst of it all, I will continue to worship Him and follow Him. The next thing I know I was bawling like a newborn child. They weren't sad tears. They were tears of release........tears that I believe finally signify me letting go and letting God. I cried for a good 30 minutes then got in the bed. The minute my head hit the pillow the tears subsided and I felt a calm come over me.

So often in our lives, we view our problems at eye level. That's not what we're supposed to do. Since as Christians we are seated in Heavenly places, we must look at our conditions from that position. If you have been having a staring match with your problems.......time to get on the right level so you can see them from the right perspective and overcome them. Be blessed. Peace.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Diamond in the Back.......

Just be thankful for what you got. Back when I was younger (27 isn't that old but you get the drift), I had this master plan for what I wanted my life to be. I figured I'd breeze through university (Proud Arkansas alumni......WPS), move to Chicago, work on the CBOT, and have a chick that looks just like pre-crazy Lauryn Hill on my arm. So let's go down the list.....I reckon one out of four ain't bad.

As birthdays passed, I found myself realizing what I should have known all along.......His Will not mine. God's plan for us isn't always what we want, but its always best for us. I regret that I spent so much of my young life trying to tell God "yeah you got a plan, but I think mine is better, let's do this my way". I believe God actually "played" along with me once......he gave me something that I thought I really really wanted. Sounds good right? WRONG! It blew up in my face and I'm still feeling the after effects. Never again I said.

While my life isn't the wealthiest, glamourest, funnest, most exciting life in the world, it's always been the life God intended for me. Instead of getting wrapped up in what I don't have......I praise Him even more for what I do have. I know He didn't bring me this far to just leave me here. My plan may make for a great movie, tv show, etc........but God's plan makes for a great me. Just be thankful. Peace.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Open My Eyes and Close My Heart

One of the main reasons why I started this blog is to get my old blogs from Myspace (yeah I know). Well in my first installment of this move, I'm putting in a piece that I wrote a couple weeks ago. Enjoy.

Maybe I'm blind. Perhaps I don't want to see. I've spent so long trying to prove how good I am for you.....but shouldn't it be the other way around? Anytime you've called, I was there. When the world made you feel dumb, I made you feel like Einstein. When the world made you feel ugly, I made you feel like the belle of the ball. When the world left you emotionally broke, I gave you my last dime even if it meant me going hungry.

I have given you every fiber of my body. I have given you every inch of my soul. I have given to the depths of my heart. I try so hard to make you see me. You keep looking over me.....around me......under me. Am I saying I don't love you anymore? I'll always love you........but I gotta love me more.

If this world were would be mine. It's not though, so I have to learn how to let you go. If I had my'd be here beside me. It's not I have to stand tall on my own. Even if I had a magic wand, I wouldn't make you love me....I want you to want me because you want to.

I'll always be pulling for you to find true love. I know that you are turning down a sure thing to chase a dream. I just hope that years down the road when that bed seems even colder......the world seems a little harsher......and your heart seems a little emptier, you'll think of my warm body, my warm embrace, and my warm love.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself......

Greetings and salutations, cyberspace. Never been really good with putting myself in a box, but I'll give this one a go. I'm many things but always one person. I'm quiet and reserved because I value my words. My two fish often swim in different directions but I stay pressing onward and upward. Never been the type to get caught up in what's trendy or popular; however, I don't have to try to be different......I am unique. Before me there were none and after me the same.

In a worldly sense, I'm a young professional just trying to make the most sense out of this thing called life. A lesbian is what I am, but not who I am. There are 138683283 different things I can say about myself before sexuality is even brought up. I hate anything that remotely resembles ignorance. You can call me a hater all day.......I like what I like and if I don't like it I don't like it.

This blog will be a wide range of things. Funny. Introspective. Weird. Thought-provoking. Boring. Might even make you facepalm a few times. So sit back and enjoy the ride. Peace.