Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Don't Want to Be a Soldier Anymore

When C stopped talking to me last year, I was hurt. Things ended so badly between us that time. By the third month, I was using anger as a tool to get over her. If someone asked me how did I feel about her, it was nothing to say "man forget her, so I'm so past her, I've lapped her twice". I let my butthurtness guide me through that time.

By the year mark, I was fully entrenched in my anger and had convinced myself that I felt nothing. Even when we started communicating again, I still kept believing I was over it. I tried to be hard and put on a front. My hardness got shattered and my front has come home to roost. Saturday set off a domino effect that came to a head last night.

C's parents were in town over the weekend. Naturally, since I love them and they love me, they wanted to see me. C didn't want me to go to the movies on Friday because her girlfriend was gonna be there. I got kinda tight about that, but that's just C being C. Saturday, her moms asks me to come meet them for shopping and lunch. I get out to the shopping center and link up with them. C's gf works out at the shopping center so you know she was gonna show up sooner or later.

C, her mom, and I are at this shoe store and in walks C's gf. Mind you, this chick ain't the manager, assistant manager, manager trainee or nothing. She left work to come over to see what was going on. After the fiasco which was the last time I saw that gal, wasn't no way in hades I was gonna stick my hand out and speak. In retrospect, that's hella petty but sometimes we lose sight that we're the bigger person. Of course she has to be all extra on C, which I thought was kinda disrespectful considering how C's mom feels about teh ghey. I'm certain that little show as just for me.

After the chick leaves, I ask C "why your little friend didn't speak to me". I didn't know that C's mom could hear. She turns around and goes "yeah, why didn't she speak". C tells her mom that the girl and I (me) have bumped heads before. I don't recall ever bumping heads but whatevy. C's mom walks off saying she's heading to another store. I start off after her and is kinda yanked back by C. Here she goes trying to charge me up about my question. Talking about now she's gotta answer all kinds of questions from her mom and stuff. Telling me how I should know that her gf wasn't gonna speak to me because the gal doesn't like me. This is my perfect opportunity to say what's been on my mind.

"If you would treat me like a friend and not a side piece, your gf may wouldn't feel some kinda way about me". I tell C that if she would stop creepin' and sneakin' around with me, it wouldn't look so bad. Exhale. C is always good for a play dumb so I continued. I let her know that it's not "too much" when she's benefiting. It's not too much when I'm meeting her at midnight for a drink. It's not too much for her to wake me up crying wanting me to console her. It's not too much when I'm putting her back together. She asks me do I care about her comfort level. I don't. I let her know that she made this situation by lying back and forth in the beginning. You make your bed now lay it.

I tell her that I hope one day, she'll put her feelings over the girl's feelings because the girl doesn't care about her. I attempt to walk off again. She stops me and tells me to come back and explain. I simply tell her how she puts that girl's feelings over anyone else's. She's so busy trying to make that girl comfortable that she doesn't give a damn who she stomps on. "Baby, I just want you to be happy" I say. She tells me that she is happy. Me: "yeah today" and I walk out.

I knew that after that exchange, C was gonna ignore me for a while. I really needed to finish that conversation, so I came up with a sure fire way to get her attention. It worked. She called me yesterday evening. After she fussed for a minute, I asked her to shush for a second while I let her know what's on my mind. "I can't be just your friend. I love having you in my life, but if this is your idea of being friends, I can't. My feelings are way too strong for this." I took a deep breath and watched the monkey run out the back door.

She's taken aback but lets me know that if this is the case then it's best that we don't talk. I'm perfectly fine with that. If this is my swan song, I better belt out the best tune I got. I went all the way back to when she and I were whatever we were. I told her how I blew it the first time. Instead of sacking up and making a commitment, I strung her along. Then when she finally moved on, I was selfish again. I thought I could waltz into her life, tell her I love you, and we would ride off into the sunset together. Another monkey runs out the door.

I finish up with letting her now how much I like her and care for her. She had mentioned recently that she wanted someone who would love her, respect her, and build a future with her. I told her that I wanted all those things with her. It hurts me so much to see you being hurt. Hell, I hate to see you stub your toe because it hurts you. I don't know what it is in you that makes someone like me such a nonviable potential mate. I love you. After that, there was complete silence. I told her peace out and she said goodbye.

Maybe because it's only day one, I don't feel the gut wrenching pain I felt the last time we stopped talking. Maybe because I initiated it, I'm in a better position to handle this. Maybe it's because now I know that I have took a major step towards my future by being honest about my past. Maybe it's because now I believe that I can finally see myself giving someone else a chance. The possibilities are endless.

Do I think this is the last I'll ever hear from C? Not hardly. Next time, she can't come around and pretend like she's not doing anything. I spelled it out for her. She's already gotten left. Perhaps she should try getting right. Peace.

1 comment:

K. said...

I'm ridiculously proud of you, homes, letting your nuts hang and everythang. *lol* Sometimes, you just got to get it off your chest, and it feels good, no matter the outcome. Hopefully, next time C comes your way, she'll come correct. She no longer has an excuse not to.