Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Putting Positivity Out There

The last few days I have been overthinking about this opportunity I want. I know I have all the credentials and the good feeling seemed mutual. I was open and honest. I did all I can do.

It's just when you want something really bad, you sometimes can't help but to think about it. I guess thinking about it takes the sting away from your reality. I know it's not about what I want though. If it's not in God's plan for me, I don't want it.

Just gonna remain calm. Stay faithful and believing Psalm 37:4. Gonna stop phone watching and self doubting. Peace.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

And Best Friends Become Strangers

Had a Crush On You, now we Kim and Cease
We don't even talk no more, it's no biggie
I was so Biggie, you was Faith
I let you slide in my home, you was safe
I thought my ability to provide you stability
Was what was really G, okay silly me (silly me)
I was Billy Dee, smooth cat but really street
Really she attract niggaz like the A Milli beat
And I happen to rap but somethin 'bout this beat strange
Soon as I try to flow with it, the beat change
Never thought she change (never)
But what you thinks a upgrade really just could be a seat change
Love changes

Those lines are from Pachanga by Fabolous. They sum up perfectly some of the things I've been dealing with for about 6 months now. The last couple of days I really have missed C. Mainly as a friend, but in the spirit of keeping it funky, and some as more than a friend.

I can be arrogant at times, but like most people who are arrogant, I am very hard on myself. If something goes wrong, the first person I blame is myself. Even if strong arguments can be made about other folks being at fault. Taking all the blame is just as bad as pointing fingers. I do feel like I'm the one who could have done things differently. Had I not blown her off in the beginning, C woulda been my girlfriend. Had I not came on too strong at the end, C would still be my friend.

I miss hanging out with her. It's so odd going from always having someone to talk to/kick it with to nothing. You think of all the fun times you had with that person and you wonder "will I ever have those times again". Just like all humans, C has her flaws. I have flaws too. It just so happened our flaws together can make a mighty fist. She got hit. I got hit. I guess the only difference is she found someone else to ice her wounds. I went back to my corner alone holding a steak to my eye. Peace.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I Only Have Two Words.....Giggity Giggity

I watched Erykah Badu's "Window Seat" video yesterday and I was in awe. The song is dope by itself but the video.....gaaahhh. I'm sure she was trying to be all deep and counterculture but all I saw was her assets. Maybe I'm in that "Groupthink" she was talking about. Oh wells, I saw nice booty buttcheeks and I was all in.

I don't know what Badu is eating, drinking, or what kind of toilet paper she's using, but man it's doing her good. For reals. I dropped a link to the video, just in case you're under a rock somewhere and the only site you can access is my awesome blog.

Bonus: Some man of genius did a .gif of Badu's diddy-bop.....*salutes*

Friday, March 26, 2010

Freestyle Friday: Out Like a Lion Edition

* Yesterday was not as rough as previous years. It still hurts, but I actually got through the day without a total breakdown.

* I had been on pins and needles waiting on an answer but after praying and talking with my sister and friends, I'm good. No matter what happens, I know God will bless me with the right opportunity. Gots to chill. I am hella stoked about this opportunity, so I guess it's more excitement than nervousness.

* I have been slippin' so tough on my mixes. I am going to do one this weekend....even if it's Sunday night before bed. I'm thinking either a Mariah Carey or a 70s mix. Leaning more towards the latter.

* I have some great toys already picked out when bullet point #2 comes through. Saw some dope decks online. Thinking about trying out Serato. I love Virtual DJ but if you want to be a great dj, you have to know more than one system.

* I got a good life.....for real. Even as I think about all the failures, disappointments, shortcomings, and all, life is really good. I think back on where I'm from to where I am and all I can do is smile and thank God and my parents.

* I guess I'm going to have to do a blog about "studs" not wanting to dress up for jobs/interviews. Yesterday, for the second time this week, I had a conversation about this topic. I'm not a stud by no means, but maybe I should put my .02 on it.

* It's been really really slow on the romantic front. I would like to go on some dates with an amazing woman. As with everything else, I remain patient because I don't want to the wrong person in my life. I've seen people struggle with awful relationships....I'm good off that.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

I Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Spring

When I woke up that morning, I didn't think that you would be gone. I kinda knew that it wouldn't be long, but I didn't think it would be that day. I thought you'd tough it through until the next day. Now, I realize that you were just squaring things away.

No matter how hard I squeezed you, my warm embrace couldn't make you stay. No matter how I almost drowned in my tears, I'm sure you cried even more. You dried your eyes and let go. You didn't give knew that you did what you needed to do here. I accepted you free and still do to this day.

You knew that all the prayers you prayed will be answered so there was no need to stick around and suffer. You get your rest. You earned it. You were always so wise. I pray that the gift of wisdom is bestowed upon me like it was with you.

Mommy, I can't say that I don't miss you. There are times where I just want to hold you and not let go. I can say that I don't have any regrets. I gave you flowers while you were living. I told you how much you meant to me while you could still hear me. I told you jokes while you could still laugh.

Today, I celebrate your life, not mourn your death. I love you always even until the end of time. Go ahead and rest.....I'll hold it down here. Peace.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Whirlwinds in My Mind

Over the last few weeks, it seems like everyday has been a winding road. Some days awesome, some days not so much. Seems like the more I strive for peace in my life, the more hectic life becomes. I am not complaining because I know that God answers prayers....just not always the way we want them answered.

I'm remaining strong even though sometimes I feel like I'm made of wet noodles. I cry sometimes even though I'm smiling on the outside. I am excited about the future but I bring myself back down just in case. Right now, I am a walking, talking contradiction. It's not that I'm being fake or phony. It's that things are changing so rapidly in my life that sometimes things overlap.

I've gotten through worse and made it through just fine. Even superheroes have to take a breather every once in a while. Peace.

Disclaimer: This blog probably comes off as rambling but I know someone out there feels me.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Freestyle Friday Long Short Week Edition

* For a little while I kinda bugged on a situation. It had me trippin' because I typically don't act like that. I don't sweat the technique. Not sure why this time was different, but I'm good now.

* I'm so happy the weather is finally warming up. I love springtime. The blooming flowers, the mild temps, the chicks in next to nothing, and most importantly.....the Ralph Lauren spring collection. Tis indeed the most wonderful time of the year.

* I don't think I'm gonna go see Tyra Sanchez in Austin next month. I found out the Texas Relays are the same weekend. Plus the show is being held at a club that I want nothing to do with. A bunch of kids and lezzies is too much for me to deal with.

* A really good friend of mine may have met a great guy and I'm so happy for her. She's had a hard time with dudes and she deserves a good man in her life. That's why I like having straight people around, they know the concept of "taking things slowly". Had this been two chicks, they'd be shacking already.

* I tried to go without having a smartphone, but it's just not working out for me. So, I plan on buying myself an iPhone or a Blackberry as a gift to myself next month. I hate to have to pay the extra $30, but I'm just too used to having one.

* I'm feeling some kind of way about my upcoming 10 year class reunion. Maybe it's because I don't go back home too often. Maybe it's because high school really wasn't that good of a time for me. Maybe it's because I feel like I don't have anything in common with 98% of my former classmates. Meh, I still have around 3 months to decide what I want to do.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are

Over the weekend, I met a nice chick whom I'd like to get to know a little better. Through conversations with a friend of mine, I found out that the young lady is struggling with her sexuality. Thinking about her situation back me think back to that time in my life.

I never felt as if a person had to have a coming out party. That's strictly up to the individual. Some folks want to shout it from the mountaintop; other folks just want to keep it on the low and press on. All that is fine and dandy, but the hardest part of the journey is coming out to yourself. Self-admittance is the toughie. I think that's the one that keeps folks up at night.

I'll never be mistaken for the most feminine woman in the world. Even still, I had a hard time saying to myself "I'm gay and I'm cool with that". I repressed, suppressed, depressed, compressed for the longest. Then, I decided to just be silent with it. If I ignored it, it would go away. That worked for a minute, then it got too much to deal with. Watching everyone else have a great time dating and mating all out in the open. Wanting that freedom.

Everyone has their own reasons to not come out. Seems like the most common reason (especially in the black community) is religion. If you grew up in a church/household that was always fire and brimstone for gay folks, why would you ever admit to being one of those people? It has always been true that the most closets are sitting on church pews. Wanting to belong to a church home but terrified of being one of those people.

I wish the chick the best on her journey. I'm not trippin' off her not wanting to admit to liking chicks. As long as you're not asking me to hide under a bed when your friends come over, I'm good. Even if nothing pops off on a romantic tip, I'm down for being her homie. Coming out is a long, strange, and sometimes heart wrenching trip. A cool person in your corner couldn't do anything but help. Peace.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Taking It Old School: A Praise Report

I don't know what kind of church you attend(ed), but back at my mom's church they would have a time set aside for Praise Reports. It's basically when a person gets up and tells of something great God did for them. It could be as simple as being awaken that morning or something as complex as a child getting off drugs. Today, I want to give a Praise Report.

First, I had a blast in Dallas celebrating my birthday. It was so wonderful to reconnect with people that I haven't seen in so long. I pray that it won't be a few years before I see them again. It was so fun just chit chatting about our college days. I don't miss the work, but sometimes I do miss university. Great times.

Yesterday I got my test results back from the doctor. All the major stuff came back clean. Gotta do some follow-up tests to pinpoint one abnormality. I claim that test will come back favorably as well. I'm so thankful that even though I'm a bit husky and eat garbage like a landfill sometimes, I'm in decent shape. I'm still going to do better. God doesn't bless us so that we can keep messing up.

An opportunity that I thought had passed me by never passed me by. I was so excited to have received a phone call telling me that it's still on. Just shows how God many not come when we want Him, but He's always on time. More and more I'm learning patience. I know I have to let God work things out according to His Will and on His Schedule. I'm getting better at it.

Long story short, there are numerous things I thank God for. I just had to praise Him a little louder for those 3 things. I know even if I had 10,000 tongues I couldn't praise Him enough. However, all you need is a sincere heart and that praise works just fine. Peace.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Why Are You Not Alarmed?!?!

Lately, the topic of discussion on major media outlets is black women and their unmarriability (I'm sure that's not a word). First, why are non black women discussing the "plight" of black women? Secondly, why is the Washington Post, ABC, etc. so concerned with this alleged phenomena? As a woman who dates women, I'm not in the target demographic for these news reports. However, as a black woman, I can fully certified to speak on this.

My main gripe with these statistics they spew out is how skewed they are. The video I watched yesterday said 42% of all black women are unmarried. We all know in the eyes of the government if you're not married, you're single. So what about the women who are in relationships? What about the women who are happily single? Or divorced? Heck what about the women who have teh ghey? Taken, happily single, divorced, gay are not mutually exclusive.

When you whittle away those women from the block, the numbers probably will line up with the percentage of white women who are unmarried. Personally, I think there are two main factors that contribute to the unmarriedness (again not a word, but flow with me) of black women. Disclaimer: Point one does not take interracial dating into consideration.

One - black women outnumber black men....period. Even if you paired up every black man with a black woman, there will be some chicks standing in the cold. If you outnumber something, you have more options. If a black man is in a city where the ratio is 7:1, he can play and play and play and then choose a wife. That's just the way the ball bounces.

Two - black women are more upwardly mobile nowadays. Back in the day, a women were less educated. Marriage was vital to survival. Women married dudes that would cheat on them, beat on them, etc. and stayed as long as he "took care of home". Basically you stuck with what came at you. In the modern era, black women are getting degrees and advanced degrees at astounding clips. A good deal of women don't need financial support like that. Now women are looking for equal partners who can provide emotional support.

I don't have the answers to getting black women to the altar. I can't say "well just date out of your race". If that's not your bag, it's just not your bag. Plus I think its kind of insulting to men of other races, it pretty much says "you're the last resort". I won't say "well just give that dude with the gold teeth and 3 kids" a chance. You shouldn't have to marry down if you don't want to.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, no one wants to be alone. Everybody wants someone stable and committed. I've also said that marriage is not the measuring stick of life. You are not a failure if you never get married. You're not a moron if you don't want to get married. Just stay prayerful and let God send you the right person. It may take longer, but it will work out in the long run.