Friday, September 24, 2010

I May Look Kinda Funny....But I Ain't No Fool

C and I communicated the other day after a few months of silence. Not in person, not over the phone, but over IM. Initiated by her for the record. This is the second time she's hit me up over IM to have some kind of conversation.

This conversation went a little differently than the first one. Started off hella rocky to the point where I wanted to go hit her with the People's Elbow. It finally leveled off and got to a more cordial place. This entry isn't about the conversation but I feel like I'd be doing my readers a disservice by not at least hitting on the highlights of the convo.

* I was told that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I rebutted with you need to acknowledge your role in this situation.

* C says to me that she can't see us being cool again in her head. My reply: okay that's cool and all I needed to to know. #kbye Convo didn't end there

* She says that right now I'm a stranger to her. My reply: makes no sense but I hear you #whatevy Convo still didn't end

* I went ahead and told her that I did miss her and our friendship. In a shocker, she admitted the same. Headscratcher I know. If I miss you and you miss me, why are we still dancing around each other?

Anywho, after all of this I consulted with my handful of trusted advisors. I got all kinds of opinions and theories as to what is going on. I know that my homies don't want to see me get hurt. I don't think my blog could ever fully tell the story of how deeply I loved C.

I just want people to understand that I knew C for a long time before anything ever happened between us. We had a very good friendship that I cherished. I know that things cannot be like they were before and I can say that unless she's made some changes, I don't want them to be. I'm aware that I cannot sit up over C's house all night and vice versa. We cannot have that closeness that blurred the line. I'm not strong enough for that right now. I have no problem admitting that.

I do believe that we can have a casual friendship. A text here and there, chit chat on the phone once a week. Perhaps going out to the bar or to eat or something every once in a while. Things of that nature. Straight homie status........that's it.

I just want people to be there for me no matter what decision I make with this. The same way I'm there for them when they're making hard choices. I know that right now, I'm untested. I can sit up here all day and talk about how great a grasp I have on my feelings. However, when the battle comes, can I hold serve? Yeah, I could be putting myself in a sticky situation or I could get my friend back and won't miss a beat. The burning question is: How will I ever know if things can be different unless I give it a shot? Peace.

1 comment:

K. said...

After reading Parts 2 and 3, I came to the conclusion that the implosion of y'all's...situation was both of your faults - yours for basically having C as a girlfriend but refusing to title or commit as such and hers for allowing the situation to continue when she clearly wanted more than you were going to offer.

That said, it's clear that she still wants something from you - the attention that you used to shower on her, at the very least - otherwise she would just let shit go considering how things ended the first time. However, you two still having a soft spot for each other doesn't mean that it's a good idea to go there again, even as acquaintances - UNLESS you're both ready to completely let go of past injuries and be completely honest and open with each other.

C's methods make me suspicious of her actions, though. I think she feels like she made a mistake in not pushing for more from you, but instead of lay herself out there with as much vulnerability as it would take to express that feeling to you, she would rather try to get you back on standby as boifriend #2 - That way you are back in her life without her looking like a sucker punk. Seems like she'll take what she can't get from you as long as she doesn't stand a chance of getting her feelings hurt by you again. If you're a stranger and she's not cool with you, why is she IMing you? She's up to something - could be harmless; could be revenge.

I'd suggest that you keep her at arms distance until it's clear what C wants from you.