Monday, November 30, 2009

So This Is What It Has Become?

Over the holiday break, I ventured to the WHA to visit my family and friends. Going back home over the last few years has been bittersweet. It's hard going there knowing that my mother is gone. It's hard going there and feeling the depression and despair that seems to loom over the town. It's sweet seeing my pops, my babies, and the occasional homie that happens to be in town.

I thank my parents so much for wanting better for us. Instead of buying us the latest Js, they bought us encyclopedias and computers. Whilst WHA was their home, they had much bigger aspirations for their children. I couldn't ever bring myself to dog my hometown out, I got much love for the area. The town was never a hotbed of entertainment, but now its just down right 'thetic.

I drove down the streets of my youth. I was amazed that at most times, it felt like my car was the only one on the road. I drove through neighborhoods and didn't see anyone outside, no children playing, nothing. I went in Wally World and saw a bunch of chicks with 2 and 3 children and/or visibly pregnant. Now just because I didn't see a man with them doesn't mean their is no father involved; however, playing the averages I'm sure there isn't.

There are no more than 10 gas stations in the area. One gas station had been burglarized so many times, the owner decided to shut it down. It's crazy. A store that had served the community for as long as I can remember is now a car wash (only $5.....if you're looking for a deal). I'm thinking c'mon, you gotta have gas for your car. If you run all the stations out of business then what?

Now they have the lottery in Arkansas. Worst. Idea. Ever. I went into a store and I saw a lady spend about $200 on lottery tickets and scratch offs. Poor people + dreams of getting rich quick = disaster. I'm not gonna sit up here and act holier than thou. Yeah, I'll buy a quick pick or two, but I'm not gonna spend rent money/etc on a pipe dream. I hate to call it exploitation, but if it walks like a duck....

All in all, I had a good time. I saw my babies and hung out with them. I saw a couple of the homies that I haven't seen in a grip. I got a chance to clean my moms' gravesite off and put out some fresh flowers. I will say that if my father ever leaves the area, my visits to the WHA would be few and far in between. I pray that the city gets some competent management and finds a way to thrive. Until then, I guess that's why its referred to as West Helltown. Peace.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

'Preciate That Homie

As Thanksgiving swiftly approaches, I decided to do a blog to talk about all the things I'm thankful for. Pretty self let's go. Sidenote: In no particular order.

1. My health and strength - I'm not in the best shape I can be, but thank the Lord I'm not strickened with several ailments. Definitely gotta get back on the workout plan.

2. My family - One of the forced relationships in life.....LOL. Somedays I wonder if I had the chance to pick, how would life be? Even though they drive me up the wall most days, I got mad love for them. Thank you for all your phone calls when you want something and guilt trips when I don't give it to you. For all you do.....this Bud's for you.

3. God - He has brought me a mighty long ways. I've seen some low times this year, but God was always there to pick me up, dust me off, heck He even carried me sometimes when I was too weak to walk.

4. My friends - The homies always come thru in the clutch for me. There has never been a time where I couldn't laugh, cry, vent, or bulljive. Some of ya'll are definitely gonna get your wings.

5. Being employed - My gig isn't the best but it pays American dollars. I know that a greater is coming, all I gotta do is hang in there and let God work.

6. Having my heart broken - A lesson I needed to learn. It's funny but I believe I'm more open to love now than I was before. Life is weird like that.

7. Direction and conviction - Keeps me from blowing in the breeze. I know who I am and where I want to go. I'm comfortable in my own skin and I won't let anyone make me feel otherwise.

As you sit around the table on Thanksgiving, be sure to say a little prayer of thanks. Let God know that you appreciate all He's done. Also don't eat too much to the point where you can't button your trousers. Peace.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Got My Swim Trunks and Life Jacket

Over the years, I've had a few women to entertain me, but I've never officially been in the game. Stuck my toe in the water a few times, but never jumped all the way in. After taking some real time to handle some issues and stuff, I do believe I'm ready to take that plunge. That's right folks....yours truly is getting back into the dating pool.

I was talking to a homie of mine last night and I told her about my newest journey. She asked me a pretty simple question......"what do you want?" I paused for a second and I told her......I want a girl with extensions in her hair, bamboo earrings at least 2 pair....LOL. I've never been a fan of those laundry lists. However, having an idea of who you will/won't date goes a long way in terms of saving time, effort, and energy. I've started working on this list and its tough trying to put a human being into paragraphs.

My next problem is I don't know where to meet chicks. I'm not a fan of meeting people at the club even though that is a place where you know lezzies will be. Not doubting there are a few women there, who like me, was pretty much dragged into going and would rather be somewhere quiet enjoying a vodka tonic whilst the DJ spins Wale's new album. Also, the club holla is the worst. It's loud and kinda awkward. My hearing is bad enough sometimes. You add hella decibels of Gucci Mane and I can't hear jack squat. I don't buy chicks drinks because I'm not gonna pay to talk to you. Now if we vibing, we can buy rounds, but I'm not feeding you liquor. Eff that!

I suppose that leaves establishments like bookstores, the mall, and the like. Those kind of hollas have a lower chance of working out because femmes are hard to spot. Straight women for the most part don't get tight when you holla at them. If they're not down, they are usually cordial in the shootdown. Never had a stradie get loud or disrespectul....which is a good thing. Stradies/femmes don't know how hard it to walk up to a perfect stranger and try to make something happen out of thin air. It's rough.....for real.

I'm not doing this because I hear some imaginary clock going off in my head. I'm doing this because I feel as if I'm ready. I've spent a long time trying to be this playa type and it got me nowhere. It wasn't fulfilling. Ducking and dodging leaving stuff "undefined" got hard. Chasing people away because I felt like they were asking for too much when in actuality they only wanted my heart. When I finally gave my heart to someone, they didn't want it to keep and cherish......they used it, abused it, and broke it into a million pieces. All things happen for a reason and I needed that heartbreak to see how it felt. It allowed me to put myself in others' shoes. It put a mirror to my face and let me see how I was living was wack. I'm a better woman for it.

In short, I'm gonna go all in on this one. I'm expanding my horizons and coming down off that high horse. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone. Jumping into the pool......I've never swam. Hopefully I won't drown......but if I do......I'm planning on a bad chick being there to give me mouth to mouth. Peace.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I'm a Gleek and Proud Of It

People always talk about guilty pleasures. You know, stuff they enjoy but don't want anyone else to know out of fear they will be branded "lame" "dork" "nerd" and the like. I have no guilty pleasures. I like what I like and if you don't like it.....TBN. My new favorite pleasure is Glee...a tv show that comes on Fox on Wednesdays.

I don't recall my high school having a glee club....or too many clubs for that matter. Anywho, I digress. I'm doubtful I would have joined if they did have one since I can't carry a tune in a bucket and my best dancing is done if someone is shooting at my feet. Also, I don't think I was much of a "loser" in high school. *looks into camera*

The show is set in small town Ohio which makes it somewhat relateable with me being from small town Arkansas. The show is centered on the Glee Club members and director's day to day issues. The show deals with things such as homosexuality (you gotta see Kurt's rendition of Beyonce's Single Ladies), disability, teen pregnancy, etc. I think the characters are pretty layered. Now I do not like the stereotypical sassy black chick typecast but homegirl can sang so I'll it slide. My fave characters:

Sue Slyvester (Jane Lynch)- Coach of the Cheerios (for you slow boats.....cheerleaders). This chick is completely devoid of 'ruth. She says what she wants, how she wants, and doesn't care who gets it. She hates the Glee Club with the white hot of a million suns and will stop at nothing to bring the squad down. I like how they kinda make her seem to be a lezzie but not quite.

Best quoteable: I empower my Cheerios to be champions. Do they go to college? I don't know. I don't care. Should they learn Spanish? Sure, if they wanna become gardeners and dishwashers.

Noah Puckerman aka Puck - Starts off calling the Glee club "Homo Explosion" but ends up joining after his best friend joins.......ironic much? Puck is the ultimate BA football jock with the mohawk to top it off. He's your typical "hard on the outside but a little soft on the inside". He has a mad wicked crush (there's something else but don't wanna spoil for those who haven't watched) on his best friend's gal which seems to torment him.

Rachel Berry - The interwebs seem to really dislike her but I kinda dig her character. Perhaps because I'm an ambitious, highly talented, young lady. Hehe. Rachel has big dreams of singing on Broadway and she won't let some small town grassy knollers keep her from it. I don't think she's stuck up or anything, she just can't relate to people her age or "not on her level". I know the feeling. She has a mad wicked crush on Finn. They have that "will they, won't they" thing going on.

Glee is not nearly as funny as let's say Modern Family. It can be campy at times and at others uber-dramatic. If this show can find a happy medium, I think Fox may be on to something. The most awesome thing about the show is the music. All the cast can really sing (from what I hear) and they do a wonderful job. So good that I went out and got the soundtrack. So if you're channel surfing on a Wednesday night....give Glee a go. Or if you're interwebs surfing......slide over to and check out some eps. Peace.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Freestyle Friday

* Yesterday I had the privilege of seeing a man walk up to a drive thru window. Clearly he didn't give a flip so why should I? What made it even cooler is that he was choppin it up with the cashier like it was nothing. I appreciate that kind of arrogance.

* Back when I dated dudes, I loved the dirty boho types. The greasier the better. Seems as if that affinity did not translate to women. Dirty boho chicks are cool if you're looking to discuss today's mathematics or need your locs retwisted. *shrugs*

* Wale's Pretty Girls is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs. I am able to look past Gucci mane and really enjoy this song. Very go-go influenced. I doubt that I would ever hear that song in a club here.

* The reason why folks making a stink over this health care thing is exclusivity. Wellington Bartholomew III does not want to be in a waiting room with Tamika from the hood. It's just that simple. Oh yeah, I think that abortions should be included in the plan. We don't want black market abortions taking over.

* I feel some kinda way about TruTV's Bait Car show. I'm sure there is enough real crime to solve in LA without having to manufacture it. Leaving an unlocked Escalade with the keys inside parked in the hood is asking for it. Message to hood unlocked Escalade with the keys inside parked in the hood......c'mon son!

* Whilst I'm not too liberal, I really enjoy reading the Huffington Post. It's a great site with a bunch of different sections to get the brain to working. It also has a comedy section to if you want a quick laugh.

* It's looking like another losing season for the Knicks. Can't say that I'm surprised. I think I've grown numb to the pain now. I would try to sell the tix I bought for the January game but I'm sure they've depreciated in value by now. I'd be lucky to recoup $15 and a scratched Blondie Christmas cd.

* What does it mean when a person stays liking people that are unavailable and/or unattainable? Ambitious or audacious? You be the judge.

There's plenty more on my mind, but I just decided to leave it at that. Peace.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tickle Me Emo Perfectly Blended With the Marathon

I am a runner. No, not the athlete runner, but an issue runner. When faced with trouble, the body has two natural reflexes....fight or flight. I always choose the latter. It's easier to run away than to deal with things. I run from place to place thinking I've left a problem only to find it stuck to my shoe. Disclaimer: This blog may start to ramble but its only because I'm typing what comes to mind.

Last night I had a convo with someone near and dear to me. I was explaining to her that I am strongly considering leaving Houston. Of course she asks why and I tell that so many things have happened to me since I moved here. Her response: stop running. I don't think I'm running (naturally). She goes on to tell me that all the things that happened to me here would/could have happened to me anywhere.

Honestly, I don't feel that way. I was here in Houston while my mom faded away. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I wasn't there by her side the last few months of her life. Maybe it was for the best.....watching her last breath is enough to give me nightmares at least once a month. I can only imagine what it would be like had I watched her deteriorate.

That heartbreak I suffered would have happened even if I was on the moon. A wise person once told me that it hurt more because not only is she in the same city she's right down the street. I finally deleted her number and her IM. Only one more step and that's FB......I think hold off from doing that because I know that makes it finished. I'm sure its symbolic considering I do know her phone number by heart, but hey its a honest attempt. Hard to get closure with a situation with like this. Maybe that gets to me sometimes.

My ego gets the best of me sometimes. If a chick left me for Alicia Keys or Ellen Degeneres or something........I wouldn't trip. You upgraded....sweet. But if you go from me to Miss Celie or some shiz.....I'm not feeling that one. How you gonna downgrade? Man please. It shouldn't make me tight but it does. Maybe I'm vain and shallow. Perhaps that's my MO......pretty girls with issues. I wouldn't doubt that I'm the douche that I think I am. Also can't help but to feel a certain level of fail. I think of how much I herbed myself and it makes me want to hurl. That was so out of character for me. Guess Common had it right "spend so long trying to be a heartthrob it's only fair I got my heart robbed".

So why do I run? Who am I running from? I run because I'm not sure who/what I'm supposed to fight. How do you murk a ghost? Do you put him in a box and throw dirt over it? I have no clue of the opponent is. I'm not saying I'm flawless but really what is my fight?

I do know that at this moment I feel stagnant. I feel as if I'm just treading water. Even better analogy.....feels like I'm running in quicksand. The harder I run.....the faster I sink. Leaving Houston may not be the solution.....but I think it would be a great distraction. Some good things have happened to me here. I've met some wonderful people. However, all the things that swirl around me gives me a bad view of this city. So for that reason, I put my sneakers on and start stretching. Meh.

Monday, November 9, 2009

What About Your Friends......No Seriously

Today I was having a convo over IM and the statement "I can't believe you fell in love with your best friend" was made. The person who said it didn't mean any harm by it. I'm guessing it was made in puzzled amazement. We here at the Hostile Gospel are all about owning it, so here goes. I date friends and I have no issue with it.

Without getting too deep about the whole subject, yes, I had major romantic feelings for a great friend of mine. I wanted more than she wanted to give. At the moment, it has cost me her friendship. Even though it hurts that we are not on speaking terms, if I had the chance I would do it all over again. She and I had a wonderful connection. I remember talking to her for hours and the minute she hung up feeling the urge to call her right back. I recall her laying in my lap wishing I could suspend time so that I could feel like that forever. It eventually went south and I no longer have those kind of feelings for her (praise the Lord). No regrets.

Dating a friend is a huge risk that has an even bigger reward. It's not easy. People say well I wouldn't date a friend because it would ruin the friendship. I say people have fallen out and never spoken again for less. At this moment, there is someone who isn't speaking to a friend over $4.79. Friends get older, get more responsibilities, drift apart and lose touch. If I were to lose someone, I'd rather I lose them in attempts to build a beautiful, stable romantic relationship. Your friend already knows you so you get to bypass that sometimes awkward getting to know you stage. That's a bonus in itself most times.

Say you start dating a friend and it doesn't work out. I believe that if you and your friend are truly friends, then the friendship won't be ruined. You can both be mature enough to accept you two are meant to be homies and move on from it. Dating a friend requires more communication than dating someone who you had no friendship with. Both parties have to be uber honest. You don't want one party hearing wedding bells and the other is only hearing the dinner bell. In addition, I don't recommend starting a casual sexual relationship with a friend. Cutt buddy situations hardly, if ever, work out no matter how you met the person.

My main advice for dating a friend is don't go into the situation already thinking about the ending. If you're planning life after breaking up with your friend, it won't work. I know there's a lot more at stake but grab your A1 and go all in. Half hearted attempts at anything never yield positive results. Another good tip is because you know someone so well, it's easy to fall into a lull. The same way you want to excite and court someone you didn't know, do it for your friend. Don't sit around watching Family Guy all the time....go have some fun.

The moral of my story is in my humble opinion, dating a friend is all good. Please don't take that as go turn your social circle into a dating pool. I am saying that if you find a friend intriguing and the feeling is mutual, nothing wrong with giving it a shot. Love exists in places that we sometimes don't think to look.....right under our noses. Peace.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

It's Real in the Field

There are a lot of things I wouldn't wish on even my worst enemy. Loss of a loved one, dehabilitating disease, financial ruin,.....and having to date. Dating is one of the worst things out there. It sucks to no end but unless you plan on being single or getting a mail order bride, you gotta suck it up and yuck it up.

Last night, against my better judgment, I went out on a date. Bummer 0.5: well I really won't call this a total bummer because chicks are known for the angle pictures. She ended up being a little chunkier than what her pics suggested. Not gonna trip, she wasn't a beached whale or anything. Bummer 1: she lied about her age. I prefer to date chicks my age to around 4 or 5 years older than me. At "24" she was already too young for me and at 22....definitely too young for me. I know the person I was at 22 versus who I am at 27. Still trying to feel your way thru life, going to school, idealistic, not completely sure of who you are. At 22, all that is acceptable.

I managed to fight sleep and managed to chit and chat. The more she talked the more I realized this was going nowhere fast. However, I found her youthful exuberance refreshing. I remember before becoming jaded and cynical feeling some of the same things. On a worldly-er note, I did find myself intrigued by her nippoo piercings. I could see myself, if not married/civil unioned/whatever, at a later stage in life dating a much younger woman. You know, the whole mid life crisis thing.

After I got home, I laid down for a while and really reflected for a minute. Why can't I find a woman that I dig and the feeling is mutual? Is it me? Have a set a bar so high that no one could reach it? Is there anything wrong with that? Am I gunshy now after a bad experience? Why is this dating thing so difficult? I really don't think I'm asking for too much. I ask nothing of a woman that I am not myself.

Don't get me twisted, by no means am I pressed. I don't consider my life a failure because I'm single. I enjoy my life and it's only getting better. However, there is no shame in wanting someone to share my life with. No need to feel guilty or needy for wanting romantic companionship. I sincerely believe this is an area where I have matured. For the longest I believed that desiring companionship was a sign of weakness. It meant that you weren't strong enough to face life alone. Glad to see how wrong I was about that one.

Long story short, dating is hard. It befuddles me how some people let it consume their lives. They buy the books, go to the seminars, go on date after date after date, the whole nine. Maybe its because they are looking for someone to complete them. Not I said the cat. I was whole when you met me and I'll be same way if you left me. Until that woman comes along, I'll keep doing what I've been doing.....working on self and enjoying life.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Now Approaching the Friend Zone....Use Caution

"Let's just be friends", "I don't see you like that", "I like a sibling"....all major league bummers to hear. While it sucks to hear these things from someone you're digging, what you do afterwards is what matters. You can either a. stop being that person's friend (after notice) 2. fall back and really be their friend or III. agree and sit in agony hoping that one day that person will see you in another light. Option 1 says that you're willing to take just one L and keep it moving. Option 2 tends to work for people who have been friends for extended periods of time. Option 3 can put you in that abyss of wasted energies, unmet expectations, and wishful thinking. Tears, mental agony, and lunch will be provided.

Personally I don't what to make of the friend zone. Don't we all want to date someone who knows us, has our back, and cares for us? I think I have it figured out. The friend zone isn't about friendship, it's pretty much a "nice" letdown. It basically says you'll make a great mate for anyone who isn't me. I like hanging out with you but you just don't light my fire. I can accept that one.

My problem comes in with people who friend zone you but want all the perks and privileges of being your mate. I know you have a thing for me so I'll lay up with you, call you all the time, then pretend that I don't see how crushed you are when I tell you about my new piece. Basically I'll use you until something better comes along because I know you'll be there when it doesn't work out. That's selfish and cold.

So, LI, what do I do to prevent myself from getting into the friend zone? Truthfully, there's really nothing you can do. If they're not feeling you, they're just not feeling you. However, if you let your feelings be known as soon as possible, you can cut down on damage. Women are very intuitive, they know if you dig them. They may play coy when you tell them you dig them, but they know. Tell her how you're feeling and understand that no is just as much an option as yes.

If she hits you with the friend answer, it's up to you to decide how to play it. If you don't think you can handle being just a friend, tell her. Don't just fall off the face of the earth. It reeks of butthurtness and being a brat. If you think you can be her friend, then be just that. Think of a homie that you keep it really casual with and treat her just like that. I don't ever recommend option 3, maybe if both people are mature and not playing games or they were in a relationship when you told them how you felt, then maybe waiting can pay off. However, if you have a crush on someone who is immature, self absorbed, and about deep as a DOES NOT work. They will use you until there is nothing left.

Long story short, there is absolutely no shame in liking a friend. It happens all the time. Getting feelings off your chest and being completely honest can take a friendship to heights that it would have never went to if you kept it bottled in. The friend zone only really sucks when you're sitting in silence. Let it out.......and let the chips fall where they might. Peace.

Monday, November 2, 2009

36 Trips Right Flex Out On 3.......Hike!

If you don't watch football or are remotely interested in it, that title means nothing to you. It's a condensed version of a football play. A coach will call the play in to the quarterback and he will execute the best he can. No, this blog isn't about football, just setting up the story.

I've always been good at coaching. I can help you win the 'ship with no problem. But when it comes to myself, it's a whole nother story sometimes. You want to land the gal/dude......come holla at me. Being a lesbian gives me ability to see things from both pursuit angles. Makes me an even better coach. I'll give you the plays, watch you run them, and can even give you adjustments for halftime. A nice combination of Vince Lombardi and Hitch.

Now when I'm to take my headset off and go into the game, I'll fumble it at the goal line, throw an interception, or run the wrong route. Everything is easier from the sidelines. You can see that corner coming on the delayed blitz. You know the defensive end is coming around from the blind side. In the game, you're always reacting. You see that safety come up and you audible to another play.......only to find out the safety drops back in a zone and the middle linebacker comes flying in and knocks you out.

Trying to read what someone is doing is tough. It's even harder when they are disguising what they are doing. Perhaps some more hours in film study will do the trick. Or maybe I should stop over analyzing stuff and just play my style. Drop back, throw that rock, and hopes the play will be made. Peace.