This morning I was oh so close to staying in. Felt like the Mondays had me in a headlock. I took a deep breath and got on up. I felt like a kid dreading her first day of kindergarten.
Today marks the first day of school for a lot of children in the area. I caught myself thinking back a decade ago to my first day of my senior year in high school. I was so stoked. Not to see my friends, but stoked because that was the last year I had to be in that hell-hole.
University is what I was waiting for. I knew that would my chance to get away from that hometown of mine. I wasn't gonna let anything or anyone stand in my way. My friends were all like "have fun.....wild out.....our last year". Whatever. Ya'll busters can stay here if you want....this train is out of here on the first thing smokin.
Don't get me wrong. I had a lot of fun my senior year. I remember football games, pep rallies, chillin on the hill with my friends, crushes, etc. Lots of fun with people that I was certain that I never would see after that year was up. For the most part, this thought became a reality.
I spent some of the summer before my senior year in Arizona hanging out with a friend of mine who had moved out there. I met this guy who was a friend of hers. He was handsome, older, and actually a nice guy. He told me that he thought I was cool which turns out in guyspeak to mean we should hook up. While it was fun, I never felt like my mind was into it. Probably because his sister was on my mind. She was a wild child. Life of the party. Total opposite of what I considered myself. Everytime she was around, I couldn't help but to stare. She wasn't the finest thing on earth.......but she was decent looking. I remember having a funny feeling anytime she'd touch me.
I was told about gay people. Nasty folks possessed by demons and had a one way ticket to hell. I thought to myself, surely I'm not possessed by demons. There was nothing demonic about the feelings I had about the girl in Arizona. However, I was terrified to tell anyone about them, so I kept it all thoughts to myself. My friends wouldn't understand and my mother would never speak to me again.
Thinking back, I now ascertain this as the moment I realized that I was a lesbian. That was way too much for my 17 year old mind to handle; therefore, I did what just about every African American small town kid with an uber-religious parent did..........I suppressed it.
To be continued?