I can honestly say that over the last week or so I've felt pretty good. I have had a lot of fun and got a lot of stuff accomplished. Today, I came crashing back down to Earth..........HARD!
I'm trying to stay away from the ledge, but it's been hella hard today. There have been at least 3 times I wanted to double click that box and say anything. I know I shouldn't. She's the one who told me to leave her alone. Alone is what she asked for and I have no choice but to oblige. It hurts, but nothing I can do about it.
Everyone tells me how I should feel and where I should be. Spectulating on my emotions and feelings. They don't know what is in my head or heart. All that belongs to me. Too many Armchair Quarterbacks and Sideseat Drivers. I'm sorry if I'm not there yet. Maybe they are built like that and I'm not. No matter how dusty, bruised, battered, this friendship of ours is.....it's still a friendship. It's hard to just give a big middle finger to someone who you have grown up and matured with. Even if she can do it, I can't. Perhaps I'm not wired like that. I've never subscribed to this theory of a disposable society.
What bothers me the most is that now I'm the bad guy. It's as if everything that I did prior to earlier this month no longer exists. All the times that I was there disappeared into thin air. Just like erasing a hard drive. Life is funny that way. Too bad I'm not laughing.
I know this is just a moment, if I can hold firm I will be fine. I've apologized and made peace with everything I did or didn't do. It's just a moment.........this too shall pass.