Time to Drop Some Napalm Bombs

For around the last few months, I have been having trouble with my cell phone. Not the service, just my phone. The phone around 2 years old and has been dropped on every surface known to man. I have patched this phone up with spit and lotion, super glue, and just good ol' fashioned prayer. The last couple weeks it has gotten so bad that 4 out of 10 times I have to put it on speakerphone just to be able to hear the other person. You would think a person like myself would have all the latest toys, but spending a grip on a cell phone is pointless to me. I don't talk on it much. I'm probably blowing money just by having one. I digress. Today, I broke down and decided to go buy one.

I arrive at the store and start browsing. It was hard as heck because someone up in that piece smelled like they had just gotten finished wrestling alligators. Smelled like someone had ran a 5K marathon only to slip and fall into a landfill. I was like c'mon son you coulda copped a shower before coming to the cell phone store. It's not like this is somewhere important like Big Lots or something.

The salesperson finally gets to me and asks can he help me. I tell him that I'm here to upgrade my phone. We look at a couple models that would suit me. While I like them both, one is a lot more than I want to spend a phone. We get to the register, I'm all ready to swipe and get up outta there. Dude tells me that I can't get the phone unless I sign up for a data plan. I look at him like "barrgh", okay how about I not take the discount and pay full price for the phone. He says no you have to get the data plan or you cannot get a smartphone. I've had a smartphone for a good 3 years now, never was a problem. I tell dukes thanks for his help and I'll give AT&T a call.

I return home and decide to ring up the sales department. Maybe homeboy didn't know who I am or at the very least wasn't up on his policy game. I get connected to one of the first level employees. I explain my situation to him and sip high tea whilst I wait for him to come back and tell me that I'm all set to cop my phone. He comes back with the same snagglenaggle bull-ish that the store was on. I was riding down the cool coastal highway but now I see a Boiling Point exit sign. I swerve into the right lane so I can take this exit. I pause for a second and decide I'll speak to a supervisor.

She finally gets on the phone. My spidey senses are telling me that this is gonna get ugly real quick. Once again I explain my situation. She tells me that because they've had people run up interwebs bills and dip out on them. Me in full Positive K mode "what that got to do with me". I pay my bill and have done so for the last 5 years. I politely tell her that your mobile interwebs plan costs more than my home interwebs plan. I can't even get with that, shorty. I've never been the one to play that "well I'll go just go to *insert competitor* not my style. In the middle of me telling her how bass ackwards their policy is, she cuts me off saying "I'm not gonna argue with you, is there anything else I can do for you". Eff that, I swerve across 5 lanes and take that Boiling Point exit. I went all in on her. I tell her first of all if I were arguing with you, you'd know it, toots. I know you're a lowly powerless peon but it's your job to listen to me voice my concerns. If you are not capable of handling such responsibilities you could quit and go be a monk. I decided that I would end the call before I start remembering 4 and 5 letter words.

So now it's on and poppin', I am going to call and write until I get a satisfactory response. I like having a smartphone because it has windows and other applications that regular phones do not have. I have no need for mobile interwebs. Not knocking those who have it, need it, like it, etc. It's not for me. I should not be relegated to such mature devices as the LG Neon or the Motorola Karma. What am I? Sixteen? Should I use my new Pantech Breeze to text Bobby Harris that I do want to go to Makeout Mountain with him? FOH! Lines have been drawn and I will not lose. Bring it!