I am a runner. No, not the athlete runner, but an issue runner. When faced with trouble, the body has two natural reflexes....fight or flight. I always choose the latter. It's easier to run away than to deal with things. I run from place to place thinking I've left a problem only to find it stuck to my shoe. Disclaimer: This blog may start to ramble but its only because I'm typing what comes to mind.
Last night I had a convo with someone near and dear to me. I was explaining to her that I am strongly considering leaving Houston. Of course she asks why and I tell that so many things have happened to me since I moved here. Her response: stop running. I don't think I'm running (naturally). She goes on to tell me that all the things that happened to me here would/could have happened to me anywhere.
Honestly, I don't feel that way. I was here in Houston while my mom faded away. I sometimes struggle with the fact that I wasn't there by her side the last few months of her life. Maybe it was for the best.....watching her last breath is enough to give me nightmares at least once a month. I can only imagine what it would be like had I watched her deteriorate.
That heartbreak I suffered would have happened even if I was on the moon. A wise person once told me that it hurt more because not only is she in the same city she's right down the street. I finally deleted her number and her IM. Only one more step and that's FB......I think hold off from doing that because I know that makes it finished. I'm sure its symbolic considering I do know her phone number by heart, but hey its a honest attempt. Hard to get closure with a situation with like this. Maybe that gets to me sometimes.
My ego gets the best of me sometimes. If a chick left me for Alicia Keys or Ellen Degeneres or something........I wouldn't trip. You upgraded....sweet. But if you go from me to Miss Celie or some shiz.....I'm not feeling that one. How you gonna downgrade? Man please. It shouldn't make me tight but it does. Maybe I'm vain and shallow. Perhaps that's my MO......pretty girls with issues. I wouldn't doubt that I'm the douche that I think I am. Also can't help but to feel a certain level of fail. I think of how much I herbed myself and it makes me want to hurl. That was so out of character for me. Guess Common had it right "spend so long trying to be a heartthrob it's only fair I got my heart robbed".
So why do I run? Who am I running from? I run because I'm not sure who/what I'm supposed to fight. How do you murk a ghost? Do you put him in a box and throw dirt over it? I have no clue of the opponent is. I'm not saying I'm flawless but really what is my fight?
I do know that at this moment I feel stagnant. I feel as if I'm just treading water. Even better analogy.....feels like I'm running in quicksand. The harder I run.....the faster I sink. Leaving Houston may not be the solution.....but I think it would be a great distraction. Some good things have happened to me here. I've met some wonderful people. However, all the things that swirl around me gives me a bad view of this city. So for that reason, I put my sneakers on and start stretching. Meh.