Friday, September 25, 2009

Just Call Me Solo Dolo you know the difference? Do you believe there is a difference? Do you care there is a difference? Most people think that if you're alone then by default you have to be lonely. And conversely, if you're lonely then quite naturally you're alone.

I'm the youngest of my siblings. My oldest sister is 8 years older than me. And the closest sibling in age would be my bro who is a good 3 years older than I am. I don't see any real reason for a 14 year old to want to play with a 6 year old on a consistent basis. Basically from the jump, I have been alone. Just me, myself, and I. I had friends growing up but when the lights went down....just me.

My parents never really said anything about my social ineptitude. Now that I think about it, there wasn't a reason to do so. I wasn't out doing drugs or worse.....making bad grades, so they were cool with it. Part of me wishes they had encouraged me to do something......anything. Not sure what they could have done.

As I got older, I realized that I was different than my peers. While they wanted to hang out and talk foolishness, I'd rather sit in the back finish my work and then cool out. Get an invite to a party....I'd just play the wall or find a nice corner to chill and observe. I've always liked observing people. I can tell the cornball of a function within 5 minutes of having my first glass of water. He/she is usually the person who comes up to me with "why aren't you saying anything" or whispering to the guests "she looks bored/upset/pathetic/whatever". The question I usually want to ask is "what do you want me to say?" The more I let you talk, the more I can see how full of it you are.

I've always kept my circle very small. I don't have many friends and I'm quite cool with that. I like solitude. I'm a bit eccentric, but that has nothing to do with me being comfortable with being alone. I can count the number of times I've been bored. I don't get bored because I'm okay being alone with me. I'm pretty awesome, engaging, witty, and smart. Why would I be bored with that? Silence doesn't make me uncomfortable. I think one of the greatest milestones of any relationship is the ability to each other's silence.

Being solo dolo has made romantic relationships kinda hard for me. "Why are you so quiet" "what are you thinking" "you have to be up to something" are things I've heard so many times with women. I've had women I care about but being so used to being alone made having someone around a lot feel kinda smothering. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy their company just felt like the walls were closing in. It was nothing for me to go days without talking to a chick. I can see now how that would make it look like I was up to no good. I can honestly say that I have come a long way from that kind of thinking. Found out that I can be quiet and let a nice chick rest against me.

Even though I've enjoyed being solo dolo, I'm slowly trying to come out of my shell. I'll go to a store or something and actually make small talk. Or instead of turning down invites to go to bigger gatherings, I'll lace up the loafers and go. It's a painstaking process but I know that if I want to be a balanced person I have to stick with it.

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