Picking up where I left off in a previous blog when I realized I was indeed a lesbian. I knew that coming out was definitely NOT an option. Being gay was obviously the worst thing I could be right? Never mind the fact that I had been on the Principal's honor roll since kindergarten. Never mind the fact that I wasn't knocked up or strung out on drugs. Never mind the fact that I came home on time and treated everyone with the utmost respect. I figured my mother (my pops was always laid back so I couldn't call which way he would go) would rather have an ax murderer for a daughter than me. She would be so disappointed if I came home and said "mama, I'm gay". Forget all the accolades and accomplishments. I would then be one of those horrible, nasty people that are damned to hell. I would be an enemy and no longer an ally. Shoot, not on my watch. Dig a hole and bury that bone.
My senior year of high school I spent repressing, suppressing, oppressing, compressing, any kind of press. That gay thing was out of sight out of mind. I figured I dreamed the whole thing. Whew! That was a close call. I managed to keep my friends at bay by telling them that I had a crush on this guy who had a girlfriend. I played up the moral angle and pretended to pine away for homeboy. He was cute but his girlfriend was even cuter.
Finally graduated high school and was ready for university. The summer before university I was invited to attend this week long camp for minority business majors. I arrived at the dorm and was greeted by this handsome, kinda chubby, guy. To protect the innocent, I'll call him E. It seemed like E and I hit it off instantly. He was cool and had a great taste in music. We hung out almost every day at camp. I thought he was awesome. I was very sad when the camp ended because I knew some folks wouldn't be attending school there.........figured E would be one of them.
First day of college 2000: I walked into my Freshman Business Orientation class. I was stoked that E decided to come to university and he was gonna be in some of my classes. As I looked around for him, I saw this chick sitting by herself. She wasn't breathtaking but there was something about her. I decided to walk over to her and make nice. I extended my hand and introduced myself she says my name is W (name withheld to protect identities). We chit chat for a minute until E finally shows up. With it being the first day of class, the professor let us out early. W walks off while I stand around and talk with E. He walks me to the bus stop and who do I see waiting for the same bus? Turns out we live in the same dorm.
W and I start kicking it like ninjas off the top. It was like I had known her all my life. We would stay up late in her room (she had a roommate) and talk and laugh and just have a good time. W was the first non family member chick I had hugged. She would always hug me before I left. Her embrace felt so warm and she always smelled so good.
One night, we had stayed up late watching movies. It was like 3 am, so I tell her I'm gonna call it a night and I'll see her later on that day. "You can stay the night here". Like I said, we lived in the same dorm, she stayed on the 8th floor and I stayed on the second. The building had two elevators, so there really wasn't any reason for her telling me I could stay. "B-b-b-but where will I sleep" I managed to stutter out. "You can sleep in the bed with me". Pause. Now I know how little a twin size bed is. I know how big I am. W wasn't fat or anything, but she was thick (in a good way). I wasn't a physics major but I knew we would be very close in that small bed. "Umm okay, scoot over". I get in the bed with her and she turns off the tv. I tried to get as far on the edge to give her room but she kept getting closer. I wanted to nudge her back over but it felt so good having her next to me. Finally, I got comfortable and let her lay on me. Two girls sleeping in a bed together.......there's nothing gay about that.......is it?