Simpin' Ain't Easy But I Reckon Somebody Has to Do It

Lay down.
And tell me what's on your mind.
What exactly did he do? To make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter. I will make it right.

I give good love
I'll buy your clothes
I'll cook your dinner too
Soon as I get home from work
I'll pay your rent

Girl I can’t help but wait
Til’ you get that with him, it don’t change
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you see that wit me it ain’t the same
Can’t help but wait
Til’ you, see you, for what you really are
Baby girl you are a star
And I can’t help but wait

What does these lyrics have in common? They are all forms of simpery. I'm all about full disclosure: I have simped. For those of you that aren't too hip, I'll give you the Laconicized definition. Basically simpin' is putting the poohsay on a pedestal. It's excessive gifts and attention to garner affection. It's doing the most and getting the least.

A simp thinks if they just wait, the chick will come around. A simp thinks if they listen to her whine about how her girlfriend just headbutted her, surely she'll recognize how caring they are. A simp thinks that letting a chick call at 3:17 am to cry about how her dude hasn't come yet, surely she'll see that things would be different if they were together. A simp thinks just because a chick cried on his good Polo shirt, surely she would see that this is where she needs to be. A simp is always telling the chick how she can do better. A lot of chicks don't want better. If there's no "excitement", it ain't fore them.

A simp usually has mistimed their jump. Meaning, they met a chick they liked but they didn't present themselves as dating material in that initial second to third date. Most chicks you can't be their lover if you're their friend. My suggestion is even on the first date is to hit her with a little sexual innuendo without being pervy. This lets a chick know up front that you ain't interested in going to the mall with her to buy a gift for the person she's banging.

A simp thinks a way to a woman's heart is through their wallet. If the chick you're after is a golddigger or an escort, then hey you're golden. However, most chicks aren't (or won't admit) to being either, so this is a no-no. Personally, I take the Mystikal approach "you think I'm trickin', I ain't trippin', I'm buying if you got nice curves for your Iceberg (shoutout to about 11 years ago)". Chicks are like slot machines, you got a better chance of hittin' if you put some money in it. If you're pulling mid 6-figures and up, it's nothing to buy a chick a pair of Louboutins.

You may ask well where does the simp go wrong when it comes to spending. Simps overdo it. A simp is taking a chick they just met to Vic and Anthony's for a first date. A simp is buying a $100 bouquet of calla lilies after the first date. A simp is paying cell phone bills by month 2. A simp is paying a chick's mama's light bill just so that she'll spend some time with them. A simp will max out their credit card to buy a chick a plane ticket to Vegas (where they don't live). If you're pulling low 5-figures and less, it's a lot to buy a chick 4 Fruitytinis.

To all you simps out there, a piece of advice. There's nothing wrong with being nice. If you're a nice person, keep being nice. Just don't use your niceness as a gimmick. Honestly, the quickest way to get a chick's attention is to stop giving her attention. Ignore her for a few days and watch how quickly she comes back around. And when she does, throw her the deuce. You don't want a chick like that. You deserve a chick who wants to be with you without any games. Peace.