The born day has passed. The cake has been eaten. The songs have been sang (sung, English teachers help me out). The FB, twitters, etc messages have been read. Now, it's time to really settle into a new year. Time to decide on what I want to work on for the new year.
By no stretch of the imagination do I really think I'm old. I may joke about it, but I know the night is still young. However, I'm at that age that if I want to change something, I better get to crackin'. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break a habit, way of thinking, etc.
Some people build walls from bad experience after bad relationship after bad experience after bad relationship. Those type of walls are built over years, maybe even decades. Nah, not me. My wall was on the express track. Losing the most important woman in my life and the woman I thought was important at that time almost simultaneously motivated me to work double in constructing my wall.
How could they let me get so close to them then leave me? Mommy, you shoulda stayed. I needed you. C, you coulda stayed. I wanted you. That's what I thought back then. I took all that hurt and "abandonment", channeled it, and worked on a wall like gangbusters. "I won't fall for the banana in the tailpipe again. If you wanna get close to me, good luck.".
Time passed and I got real cool behind the wall. Built a little pool, caught a couple rays, worked on my golf swing. It was like Club Fed. Sometimes for kicks and giggles, I'd climb to the top of the wall and watch a chick try to find a way over/around my wall. "Silly girl. You should just be happy with how far I let you go." Some tried for a long time before they gave up. Some gave it one good try and called it a day. Some tried to break down the wall. Some tried to coax me to come from behind the wall.
My wall and I have had some good times, but it's time to take it down. My homie asked me the other week, outside of my family, do I want someone to take care of me? Naturally, I said yeah, I got homies, I would want someone to look after me whilst I was on the mend. My homie is like nah, what if you broke you leg or got a life threatening illness (holy opposite signs of the spectrum Batman!), who would take care of you? That really stuck with me.
I'm sure the wall won't come down as quickly as I put it up. However, I am ready to start taking bricks down. I'll stick to it. I just hope by July, I'm not complaining saying "I coulda used this energy to build a slide for my pool". Peace.