I miss you. I really really miss you. I miss you so much that sometimes I forget to miss you. Maybe it's because missing you is ingrained in me now. I find myself getting upset at myself when I forget to miss you. Because if I forget to miss you, then surely I have forgotten about you, right?
Time doesn't heal wounds. Time makes you numb to the fact that you are wounded. At first I had to accept you're gone, now I'm learning to accept you're free. As much as I wish you were still here, I'd rather you be safe in His Arms than suffering in your bed.
It doesn't seem like it's been 4 years. It feels like 4 lifetimes. Some days, it feels like you were never here. I feel like you're someone I made up in my head. An imaginary friend if you will. How could that be? I have memories in my heart, I have pictures in my hand, I have stories that you shared. I have tangible proof that you indeed existed, but where are you?
Other days, I feel as if you never left. I feel your presence all around me. I look in the mirror and even though we didn't look alike, I see you looking back at me. I'm surrounded by all the prayers you prayed for me. I hear all the encouraging words you spoke to me. I can even hear you scolding me when I do something that is not right. I feel your strength flowing through my veins. Your wise words willingly roll off my tongue.
I miss you, but I know I have work to complete here. You live because I live. You won't ever be forgotten because I won't ever forget you. So keep resting and I'll keep working. One of these days, we'll meet again and I won't ever have to let you go. Peace.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Adventures In Open-Mindedness
Last week, I signed up for an online dating site. If I can use the interwebs to find out whether my fave athlete's dump sank or floated, why can't I use it to meet chicks? I've heard horror stories about online dating and I've seen success stories from online dating. I thought to myself "self, you've had horror stories with chicks you met IRL, give this thing a real shot".
Previously, my close mindedness would have set in and I would have said fahgeddabouit. Not this time, I signed up, created a profile, and begin to navigate the site. I browsed through the profiles and made notes of who I may want to contact later.
A couple days later I get notification that I have some messages. First message: "wuts gud ma".....#smacksforhead. Immediately I regret this decision to try online dating. Click to the next message...oh a real message with something to say. It wasn't a long message, but it got the point across. I go to her profile and what do I see by age? Twenty-two. Seven (soon to be six) years younger, wow. I know we're both adults, but I couldn't help but to think of how when I was a senior in college, she was like a sophomore in HS. Or even worse, when I was senior in HS, she was in elementary school.
I read her words, look at her pictures, then I head back to my inbox. She didn't come at me sideways and she's not a mudduck, I can at least respond and be cordial. After a few rounds of corresponding back and forth, I see that she's hella cool. Likes sports, drinks beer, and has a few jokes. I'm not very versed in online dating, but I figured I'd do how I'd do offline: if I feel like we vibing a bit, let's go ahead and meet up to see what's what. We agreed to link up that evening to catch a game and grab a brew.
Long story short, I had a good time. A few months ago, I probably would have offered her a lollipop and told her to scram. I'm getting better with this wall and tunnel vision. Not there yet, but I believe I'm heading in the right direction. Peace.
Previously, my close mindedness would have set in and I would have said fahgeddabouit. Not this time, I signed up, created a profile, and begin to navigate the site. I browsed through the profiles and made notes of who I may want to contact later.
A couple days later I get notification that I have some messages. First message: "wuts gud ma".....#smacksforhead. Immediately I regret this decision to try online dating. Click to the next message...oh a real message with something to say. It wasn't a long message, but it got the point across. I go to her profile and what do I see by age? Twenty-two. Seven (soon to be six) years younger, wow. I know we're both adults, but I couldn't help but to think of how when I was a senior in college, she was like a sophomore in HS. Or even worse, when I was senior in HS, she was in elementary school.
I read her words, look at her pictures, then I head back to my inbox. She didn't come at me sideways and she's not a mudduck, I can at least respond and be cordial. After a few rounds of corresponding back and forth, I see that she's hella cool. Likes sports, drinks beer, and has a few jokes. I'm not very versed in online dating, but I figured I'd do how I'd do offline: if I feel like we vibing a bit, let's go ahead and meet up to see what's what. We agreed to link up that evening to catch a game and grab a brew.
Long story short, I had a good time. A few months ago, I probably would have offered her a lollipop and told her to scram. I'm getting better with this wall and tunnel vision. Not there yet, but I believe I'm heading in the right direction. Peace.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
If the Berlin Wall Can Come Down....
The born day has passed. The cake has been eaten. The songs have been sang (sung, English teachers help me out). The FB, twitters, etc messages have been read. Now, it's time to really settle into a new year. Time to decide on what I want to work on for the new year.
By no stretch of the imagination do I really think I'm old. I may joke about it, but I know the night is still young. However, I'm at that age that if I want to change something, I better get to crackin'. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break a habit, way of thinking, etc.
Some people build walls from bad experience after bad relationship after bad experience after bad relationship. Those type of walls are built over years, maybe even decades. Nah, not me. My wall was on the express track. Losing the most important woman in my life and the woman I thought was important at that time almost simultaneously motivated me to work double in constructing my wall.
How could they let me get so close to them then leave me? Mommy, you shoulda stayed. I needed you. C, you coulda stayed. I wanted you. That's what I thought back then. I took all that hurt and "abandonment", channeled it, and worked on a wall like gangbusters. "I won't fall for the banana in the tailpipe again. If you wanna get close to me, good luck.".
Time passed and I got real cool behind the wall. Built a little pool, caught a couple rays, worked on my golf swing. It was like Club Fed. Sometimes for kicks and giggles, I'd climb to the top of the wall and watch a chick try to find a way over/around my wall. "Silly girl. You should just be happy with how far I let you go." Some tried for a long time before they gave up. Some gave it one good try and called it a day. Some tried to break down the wall. Some tried to coax me to come from behind the wall.
My wall and I have had some good times, but it's time to take it down. My homie asked me the other week, outside of my family, do I want someone to take care of me? Naturally, I said yeah, I got homies, I would want someone to look after me whilst I was on the mend. My homie is like nah, what if you broke you leg or got a life threatening illness (holy opposite signs of the spectrum Batman!), who would take care of you? That really stuck with me.
I'm sure the wall won't come down as quickly as I put it up. However, I am ready to start taking bricks down. I'll stick to it. I just hope by July, I'm not complaining saying "I coulda used this energy to build a slide for my pool". Peace.
By no stretch of the imagination do I really think I'm old. I may joke about it, but I know the night is still young. However, I'm at that age that if I want to change something, I better get to crackin'. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break a habit, way of thinking, etc.
Some people build walls from bad experience after bad relationship after bad experience after bad relationship. Those type of walls are built over years, maybe even decades. Nah, not me. My wall was on the express track. Losing the most important woman in my life and the woman I thought was important at that time almost simultaneously motivated me to work double in constructing my wall.
How could they let me get so close to them then leave me? Mommy, you shoulda stayed. I needed you. C, you coulda stayed. I wanted you. That's what I thought back then. I took all that hurt and "abandonment", channeled it, and worked on a wall like gangbusters. "I won't fall for the banana in the tailpipe again. If you wanna get close to me, good luck.".
Time passed and I got real cool behind the wall. Built a little pool, caught a couple rays, worked on my golf swing. It was like Club Fed. Sometimes for kicks and giggles, I'd climb to the top of the wall and watch a chick try to find a way over/around my wall. "Silly girl. You should just be happy with how far I let you go." Some tried for a long time before they gave up. Some gave it one good try and called it a day. Some tried to break down the wall. Some tried to coax me to come from behind the wall.
My wall and I have had some good times, but it's time to take it down. My homie asked me the other week, outside of my family, do I want someone to take care of me? Naturally, I said yeah, I got homies, I would want someone to look after me whilst I was on the mend. My homie is like nah, what if you broke you leg or got a life threatening illness (holy opposite signs of the spectrum Batman!), who would take care of you? That really stuck with me.
I'm sure the wall won't come down as quickly as I put it up. However, I am ready to start taking bricks down. I'll stick to it. I just hope by July, I'm not complaining saying "I coulda used this energy to build a slide for my pool". Peace.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
29 Thought Salute Part Deux
As promised, I am finishing up the last 15 lessons/thoughts/wise words. Before I get started, I just wanna thank God for another year. Some folk don't ever get to see 29, so just for that alone, I'm grateful.
15. Unless the service was just completely and utterly awful, always leave a tip.
16. Even if it's just up the road, go out of town at least once a year.
17. If all your friends don't like your mate, you may wanna reconsider that relationship.
18. Don't ever start something in the beginning of a relationship that you can't keep up with.
19. Never be afraid of being alone. If your friends don't wanna catch a movie, go out to eat, etc, go by yourself. If you're good company, you'll have a blast. #tapsforehead
20. Don't be afraid to do something out of "character". People will pigeonhole you with the quickness. Show them that you aren't what they expect you to be sometimes.
21. Always see the big picture. That means you should always be thinking 3 steps and one lookback ahead of the rest.
22. Be a great listener. The biggest key to being a great listener is listening to what folk DON'T say.
23. There is no such thing as leagues. The prettiest women are usually the least hit on because almost everyone thinks she wouldn't be into them.
24. If someone asks you for money, ask them is it a gift or a loan. If it's a gift, give and KIM. If it's a loan, hound them til they pay you back a la a bill collector.
25. Ain't a thing wrong with going to therapy. If you can't handle life at the moment, go get some help.
26. Two people that complain about gold diggers: those who can't get anyone to spend money like that and those who can't afford them.
27. There is nothing wrong with financing a purchase if you get a great no interest rate. Credit is not a bad thing, people who overextend and/or can't manage it is.
28. Arrogance based in confidence is cool. Arrogance based in insecurity is not.
29. No country for taking plays off. Go hard or go home!
There you have it folks, 29 things I've picked up in 29 years of living. Pass it on, live by them, send me a check. Peace!
15. Unless the service was just completely and utterly awful, always leave a tip.
16. Even if it's just up the road, go out of town at least once a year.
17. If all your friends don't like your mate, you may wanna reconsider that relationship.
18. Don't ever start something in the beginning of a relationship that you can't keep up with.
19. Never be afraid of being alone. If your friends don't wanna catch a movie, go out to eat, etc, go by yourself. If you're good company, you'll have a blast. #tapsforehead
20. Don't be afraid to do something out of "character". People will pigeonhole you with the quickness. Show them that you aren't what they expect you to be sometimes.
21. Always see the big picture. That means you should always be thinking 3 steps and one lookback ahead of the rest.
22. Be a great listener. The biggest key to being a great listener is listening to what folk DON'T say.
23. There is no such thing as leagues. The prettiest women are usually the least hit on because almost everyone thinks she wouldn't be into them.
24. If someone asks you for money, ask them is it a gift or a loan. If it's a gift, give and KIM. If it's a loan, hound them til they pay you back a la a bill collector.
25. Ain't a thing wrong with going to therapy. If you can't handle life at the moment, go get some help.
26. Two people that complain about gold diggers: those who can't get anyone to spend money like that and those who can't afford them.
27. There is nothing wrong with financing a purchase if you get a great no interest rate. Credit is not a bad thing, people who overextend and/or can't manage it is.
28. Arrogance based in confidence is cool. Arrogance based in insecurity is not.
29. No country for taking plays off. Go hard or go home!
There you have it folks, 29 things I've picked up in 29 years of living. Pass it on, live by them, send me a check. Peace!
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