Monday, January 17, 2011

Clearly I Was Napping in the Back of Class

A truth about me: I have never been anyone's girlfriend. I have been in a situation that may have resembled a relationship, but at the end of the day, I've been perpetually single. This is not a lamenting blog, not in the least bit. Just setting up what I ultimately want to discuss.

Watching different friends experience different relationship issues has really made me think over these past few weeks. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Monogamy isn't natural, it's a learned behavior. Some us learn it, some of us don't. I feel as if I have mostly learned it, but I've never been tested on it. I think if I had to grade myself: 70% on understanding monogamy in theory and 40% on practice.

I've managed to stay out of relationships because 1. I'm a borderline commitment phobe and b. I don't know how monogamous I can be. There are a couple women that I believe I could shake 1 and b for, but I'm scared to try because (amongst other issues) I wouldn't ever want to hurt them. I'm not saying that I would be out ho-hopping. I just enjoying flirting, kee-keeing, and maybe the option of ho-hopping.

This ain't a braggin' blog. The thought of not being able to be with one person doesn't set well with me. It's gonna come a time where the tomcatting gets old and the other side of the bed gets cold. What will happen to me then? I'm still young (in the grand scheme of things), but I'm almost old in the "lesbian world". If I haven't learned how to be in a relationship by now, will I ever? Peace.


K. said...

Sorry to get all psycho-analytical in your blog space, homie, but here it goes:

(A) I believe that monogamy is both learned and natural, but it ain't a path you have to choose if you don't want to. Sounds like you want to, though. (2)I think you wanting the option of ho-hopping may be a system of your commitment phobia, rather than your inability to commit being a system of wanting to ho-hop. I'on think the hoes are really the issue right now, Iceberg Slim. :) (C) I don't know how true (or if) this is for you, but I find that most commitment phobes don't shy away for fear that they'll hurt the other party, but for fear that they'll be hurt after putting in all the time in effort to be a good partner. Most of the time, they end reverting back to type because of perceived wrong or extreme fear of getting closer to the point of no return, not because they are incapable of change.

I'm as big a flirt as they come, but I find that once you meet even one of "the ones," there's not even a choice to make. You simply don't wanna be with anyone else. Doesn't make you blind to other women and it doesn't make being good easy, but you do it naturally. It's a lot harder than most people would like to admit to end up fucking someone that isn't your s/o.

I feel you on the getting older in the lesbian world (no jokes!), but it ain't over til it's over, homes. Open yourself up to one of these good girls and see. It may not be perfect, but you won't know if you don't try.

K. said...

Enh! Clearly I meant "symptom" not "system."