Over the last few days, I have been feeling a bit emo. Kind of in a funk kinda not in a funk. Not really down but far from up. I think about the many things that swirl around in my head. Most days I can flow with all it.......some days not so much. I'm sure that sounded crazy as all get out but I'm being honest.
This morning, I was missing my mommy so much. I think about how much I need her and her comforting words. I recall back to my childhood. I don't ever remember being much of a sleeper, always restless. I'd toss and I'd turn. Lay there and sigh. This would have been cool if I wasn't sleeping in the bed with my parents. Not ashamed to admit, I slept in the bed with my parents until I was around 10. I digress. My parents, who worked hard, had no problems going to sleep. My pops would be over there knocked out, straight calling hogs. My mother would sense that I wasn't asleep. She would sit up and look at me. "Go to scheep". No she didn't have a speech impediment.......from what I was told thats how I used to pronounce sleep. Those 3 little words would put me right to bed.
Fast forward to my 20s.......work stinks.....friends acting up.......life just not going the way I wanted it. My mother would utter 4 words to me........"it will be okay". As simple as those words are and at times I hated how flippant I thought she was being, I did feel better afterwards. At 27, no matter how much I tell myself I will be okay it doesn't have the same effect.
I know that God has a set time for us to leave this Earth. I believe that He doesn't take people from us unless He and they know that we will be okay without them. Some days, it's a struggle to believe that. Today was one of those days.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Music and Life
Music has come a long way since I was a teenager. I grew up on Nas, Outkast, Biggie, SWV, Jodeci, and the like. Song like Elevators (Me and You) or If I Ruled the World provided the soundtrack to my coming of age. I couldn't wait for Tuesdays to buy a new cassette or cd.
Nowadays, I can count the number of cds I buy on one hand. I'm not saying there's not good music out there but its few and far in between. Also, you have to include the fact that digital downloads (legally of course) cut even deeper into cd purchases. Music is no longer treated like a love but like a chick on the side. Use her up to get what you want and toss her to the wayside.
Before you get to testifying and putting money into my collection plate, this isn't what this blog is about. Yes I do yearn for the days of good music. However, I know those songs and albums have their place and time. I'm not 16 anymore so bumpin' Noreaga's N.O.R.E. in my Buick Park Ave is far behind me. Do I still listen to that cd? Of course. It doesn't have the same effect. I can never recreate that feeling I felt driving to school bumpin' Superthug. Nor do I want to. I want that music and those memories to stay in tact.
Time always marches on. We live in the chronos........the perpetual ticking of time. You can't stop time. You can't stop change. As much as we want Illmatic, Nas isn't a 20 year old anymore. Have to let the young gunners have a shot. A rapper that I have much respect for is Drake. He's the guy who is with Lil Wayne's Young Money. He was only known for playing Wheelchair Jimmy on the Canadian tv show Degrassi. Obviously rapping was his passion. From what I hear, he went from a blog rapper to having major labels have a bidding war over his services. His music blows but I respect his grind. He has been putting out mixtape after mixtape and making cameos. Working hard. Heck, he even ended up on Jay-Z's BP3. That's major.
My gripe with a lot of new school rappers is they aren't hungry. They make a cd with 3 club bangers, 8 fillers, and 2 WTHs. They try to make as many ringtones or punchlines as possible. They get comfortable and just start going through the motions. Same goes for doctors, lawyers, cashiers, bankers, etc. We get comfortable and we start going through the motions. We start taking plays off. No one goes full throttle anymore.
When I say full throttle, I don't mean bouncing off the walls. I mean giving it your all. Relationships, work, the gym, whatever. Never settling. Always evolving. Constantly wanting to improve self. In short, going hard or going home.
Nowadays, I can count the number of cds I buy on one hand. I'm not saying there's not good music out there but its few and far in between. Also, you have to include the fact that digital downloads (legally of course) cut even deeper into cd purchases. Music is no longer treated like a love but like a chick on the side. Use her up to get what you want and toss her to the wayside.
Before you get to testifying and putting money into my collection plate, this isn't what this blog is about. Yes I do yearn for the days of good music. However, I know those songs and albums have their place and time. I'm not 16 anymore so bumpin' Noreaga's N.O.R.E. in my Buick Park Ave is far behind me. Do I still listen to that cd? Of course. It doesn't have the same effect. I can never recreate that feeling I felt driving to school bumpin' Superthug. Nor do I want to. I want that music and those memories to stay in tact.
Time always marches on. We live in the chronos........the perpetual ticking of time. You can't stop time. You can't stop change. As much as we want Illmatic, Nas isn't a 20 year old anymore. Have to let the young gunners have a shot. A rapper that I have much respect for is Drake. He's the guy who is with Lil Wayne's Young Money. He was only known for playing Wheelchair Jimmy on the Canadian tv show Degrassi. Obviously rapping was his passion. From what I hear, he went from a blog rapper to having major labels have a bidding war over his services. His music blows but I respect his grind. He has been putting out mixtape after mixtape and making cameos. Working hard. Heck, he even ended up on Jay-Z's BP3. That's major.
My gripe with a lot of new school rappers is they aren't hungry. They make a cd with 3 club bangers, 8 fillers, and 2 WTHs. They try to make as many ringtones or punchlines as possible. They get comfortable and just start going through the motions. Same goes for doctors, lawyers, cashiers, bankers, etc. We get comfortable and we start going through the motions. We start taking plays off. No one goes full throttle anymore.
When I say full throttle, I don't mean bouncing off the walls. I mean giving it your all. Relationships, work, the gym, whatever. Never settling. Always evolving. Constantly wanting to improve self. In short, going hard or going home.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
It's Just a Fly Love Blog
I decided to post one of my more, for a lack of a better word, quixotic blogs. I wrote this for a woman who was very special to me. I had a mad wicked crush on her. I was floating on cloud nine with her back then. My pen couldn't be still. This piece is one of my favorites. Hope you enjoy.
I know you know how I feel about you. I know when you look me in the eye you can tell. Somedays I wonder how do I gather enough strength to make it through another day. Don't get it twisted, you're not perfect....but guess what? Neither am I. If I ever thought you felt nothing for me, I'd bury this bone and forget the spot. I don't want you just to show you off to the world. I don't need everyone giving me props. It's not a physical thing. I don't fancy you because you're 'cute' or 'sexy', not saying that you're not but that's not why my nose is open. I can think of ten things that you are before I even mention looks. I know why people say that ignorance is bliss. Had I never had my eyes and heart opened, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like this. I don't want to be ignorant and I'm glad that I know what love feels like. You have a good idea of what I am, but lemme hip you to things I'm not.
I ain't a sweetalker, but if you sit close enough to me, I'll lull lukewarm lullabies in your left lobe until you rest your head on my shoulders. Then, I'll sing sweet sonnets that'll seep into your soul. But like I said, I ain't a sweetalker.
I ain't a gambler, but if your touch is the ante, I'll step to the craps table roll a few 7s and 11s. And just for good measure, I'll hit all 7s on the slot machine. Take a hit on 15 at the Blackjack table......no problem. But like I said, I ain't a gambler.
I ain't an artist, but if you're my muse, then I'll paint the the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in your bedroom. And if that's too complex for you, how about I draw a heart and put our initials in it using chalk on the sidewalk? But like I said, I ain't an artist.
I ain't a stuntwoman, but if I could star in your action-packed blockbuster, then I'd jackrabbit a 89 box Chevy and let it roll 15 times. Not into high impact crashes? That's cool. I could easily jump out that window as long as I fall into your safety net. But like I said, I ain't a stuntwoman.
I ain't an athlete, but if I could be on your team, then I'm sure that I'd score 6 touchdowns against Polk High. Is that not enough? How about I score 81 like Kobe or bend it like Beckham? I have no problem running the 100 meter dash if I know that you're there with the stopwatch. But like I said, I ain't an athlete.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there are a lot of things I'm not. However, there's one thing I definitely am...........crazy about you. You know who you are.
I know you know how I feel about you. I know when you look me in the eye you can tell. Somedays I wonder how do I gather enough strength to make it through another day. Don't get it twisted, you're not perfect....but guess what? Neither am I. If I ever thought you felt nothing for me, I'd bury this bone and forget the spot. I don't want you just to show you off to the world. I don't need everyone giving me props. It's not a physical thing. I don't fancy you because you're 'cute' or 'sexy', not saying that you're not but that's not why my nose is open. I can think of ten things that you are before I even mention looks. I know why people say that ignorance is bliss. Had I never had my eyes and heart opened, I wouldn't be sitting here feeling like this. I don't want to be ignorant and I'm glad that I know what love feels like. You have a good idea of what I am, but lemme hip you to things I'm not.
I ain't a sweetalker, but if you sit close enough to me, I'll lull lukewarm lullabies in your left lobe until you rest your head on my shoulders. Then, I'll sing sweet sonnets that'll seep into your soul. But like I said, I ain't a sweetalker.
I ain't a gambler, but if your touch is the ante, I'll step to the craps table roll a few 7s and 11s. And just for good measure, I'll hit all 7s on the slot machine. Take a hit on 15 at the Blackjack table......no problem. But like I said, I ain't a gambler.
I ain't an artist, but if you're my muse, then I'll paint the the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in your bedroom. And if that's too complex for you, how about I draw a heart and put our initials in it using chalk on the sidewalk? But like I said, I ain't an artist.
I ain't a stuntwoman, but if I could star in your action-packed blockbuster, then I'd jackrabbit a 89 box Chevy and let it roll 15 times. Not into high impact crashes? That's cool. I could easily jump out that window as long as I fall into your safety net. But like I said, I ain't a stuntwoman.
I ain't an athlete, but if I could be on your team, then I'm sure that I'd score 6 touchdowns against Polk High. Is that not enough? How about I score 81 like Kobe or bend it like Beckham? I have no problem running the 100 meter dash if I know that you're there with the stopwatch. But like I said, I ain't an athlete.
I guess what I'm trying to say is there are a lot of things I'm not. However, there's one thing I definitely am...........crazy about you. You know who you are.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
To Step To or Not To Step To......That Is the Question
Perhaps I am stuck in the past. When I dated dudes, I didn't have to approach them even though I didn't mind doing so. I always felt that if you are interested to let a person know. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. Now by approaching I don't mean running up to a dude and kickin' him some lines. I'm talking about letting it be known I was interested.
Nowadays, I'm on the other side of that card. I am expected to be the approacher. I don't like it one bit. Do I have a crippling fear of rejection? Nope. My fear of rejection is no higher than the "average" person. I have two reasons why I don't typically approach women.
1. I don't pick up on subtlety.........at ALL. If you're feelin' me, it would behoove you to come say hey or something. You don't have to mack me. You don't have to buy me a drink. If you give me a big enough clue that you want me to chat you up, I will. Your work is done.......I will take it from there. If you're sitting over there blinking your eyes and batting your eyelashes..........I'll assume that your contacts are dry and possibly point you to the nearest Walgreens.
2. If I am the aggressor in the beginning, it's setting a precendent that I may not or do not want to live up to. Am I saying I'm submissive and timid? No. Am I saying that I cannot take charge of a situation? No. Aggressive is one word you will probably never hear anyone use to describe me. I'm saying that for the most part I want to chill out in the cut. I will make decisions, kill that bug crawling on the wall, and protect her the best way I can (provided she's not out poppin' off at the mouth for no good reason). However, I want her to make decisions, kill that bug crawling on the floor, and protect me the best way she knows how.
Long story short, approaching should be a mutual thing. One person should put their ego aside and make interest known. The other person should put their reservations aside and build upon the shown interest. Back to reality..........that won't happen. Hey, just get it how you live. Peace.
Nowadays, I'm on the other side of that card. I am expected to be the approacher. I don't like it one bit. Do I have a crippling fear of rejection? Nope. My fear of rejection is no higher than the "average" person. I have two reasons why I don't typically approach women.
1. I don't pick up on subtlety.........at ALL. If you're feelin' me, it would behoove you to come say hey or something. You don't have to mack me. You don't have to buy me a drink. If you give me a big enough clue that you want me to chat you up, I will. Your work is done.......I will take it from there. If you're sitting over there blinking your eyes and batting your eyelashes..........I'll assume that your contacts are dry and possibly point you to the nearest Walgreens.
2. If I am the aggressor in the beginning, it's setting a precendent that I may not or do not want to live up to. Am I saying I'm submissive and timid? No. Am I saying that I cannot take charge of a situation? No. Aggressive is one word you will probably never hear anyone use to describe me. I'm saying that for the most part I want to chill out in the cut. I will make decisions, kill that bug crawling on the wall, and protect her the best way I can (provided she's not out poppin' off at the mouth for no good reason). However, I want her to make decisions, kill that bug crawling on the floor, and protect me the best way she knows how.
Long story short, approaching should be a mutual thing. One person should put their ego aside and make interest known. The other person should put their reservations aside and build upon the shown interest. Back to reality..........that won't happen. Hey, just get it how you live. Peace.
Monday, August 31, 2009
No Mondays In Sight
Another Monday........another start of a hopefully productive week. Usually, I'd be dragging majorly, but actually I feel pretty energetic and optimistic this morning. It's a pretty good feeling and I plan on getting as many miles out of it as possible.
Over the weekend, I finally did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. It had been way too long. I wanted and needed it very badly. One could say I was yearning for it. Well I did it and it felt just as good as the last time I did it. Oh you pervs...........I'm talking about sleep. I slept and slept all this weekend. On the couch, on the bed, under the covers, on top of the covers. I was like sleeping beauty up in that piece. It came right in the nick of time. I was had been feeling so tired over the last week or so. I got my battery recharged and I'm good to go.
Friday night, I attended a birthday function for a friend of mine. I had a wonderful time. Once again, I was surrounded by beautiful women all night long. I won't sit up here and say that I'm shy.....probably the best description is that I'm quiet and laid back. I'm slowly getting into the groove of making conversation with new people. The good thing about women is that all you have to do is listen and put in a word or two here and there. They will handle the talking, you just appear interested. It's even better if you can put a joke in to keep them laughing. All in all I had a great time. I really want to keep this recent trend going. I've been having a blast.
It's been a long time since I've felt this good. Not just about my social life, but life in general. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Each moment that passes by I get more excited than the last. It's my time. For real. Peace.
Over the weekend, I finally did something that I haven't done in a LONG time. It had been way too long. I wanted and needed it very badly. One could say I was yearning for it. Well I did it and it felt just as good as the last time I did it. Oh you pervs...........I'm talking about sleep. I slept and slept all this weekend. On the couch, on the bed, under the covers, on top of the covers. I was like sleeping beauty up in that piece. It came right in the nick of time. I was had been feeling so tired over the last week or so. I got my battery recharged and I'm good to go.
Friday night, I attended a birthday function for a friend of mine. I had a wonderful time. Once again, I was surrounded by beautiful women all night long. I won't sit up here and say that I'm shy.....probably the best description is that I'm quiet and laid back. I'm slowly getting into the groove of making conversation with new people. The good thing about women is that all you have to do is listen and put in a word or two here and there. They will handle the talking, you just appear interested. It's even better if you can put a joke in to keep them laughing. All in all I had a great time. I really want to keep this recent trend going. I've been having a blast.
It's been a long time since I've felt this good. Not just about my social life, but life in general. I feel like I'm on the cusp of something big. Each moment that passes by I get more excited than the last. It's my time. For real. Peace.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Feels Like Junior High.........Sans the Puberty and Social Awkwardness
Folks, I do believe I have a crush. I'm not certain at my age it's still called a crush. For argument's sake, we shall call it that. If you have any suggestions for another word, feel free to send them my way.
There was a point in time where I thought I would never dig anyone else. I had a strong case of one-itis. If there was a level above tunnel vision........I had it. I couldn't see anyone else nor did I want to. I was content having a tenth of a person who didn't want me. Don't get me twisted: I'm not sitting up here saying I'm 100% over it. That would be a lie. A wise friend of mine told me that you have to own stuff no matter how much of a tool it makes you. I'm owning it and since it's mine I plan on putting it in a casket and burying it. I digress because this is a happy blog.
I was always skeptical of people who claimed that one day a light came on as it pertains to them liking someone. I doubted that a person could pinpoint the exact time they started looking at a someone as a potential. I still do. I don't know when things changed and to be honest I don't care. Even if nothing comes from this.....it gives me new hope and a new outlook on myself. I like how it feels. It's been a long time since I've been "on the prowl".
The person I'm diggin' on is, in my opinion, amazing. What I like so much about her is she's totally opposite of what I expected. She's one of the coolest people I know. She's balanced. She knows when to crack a joke and when to give a shoulder to cry on. She's hella classy but can definitely win a farting match. LOL. She gets all my random corny jokes. She's just as dorky and nerdy as me. There's a lot more but you get the picture. Lastly........she's beautiful. Inside and out.
I cannot predict what will happen with all of this. I won't try. Having a crush takes me back to a simpler place and time. It's a nice little trip down memory lane. I'm just gonna enjoy the ride and take in the scenery. Peace.
There was a point in time where I thought I would never dig anyone else. I had a strong case of one-itis. If there was a level above tunnel vision........I had it. I couldn't see anyone else nor did I want to. I was content having a tenth of a person who didn't want me. Don't get me twisted: I'm not sitting up here saying I'm 100% over it. That would be a lie. A wise friend of mine told me that you have to own stuff no matter how much of a tool it makes you. I'm owning it and since it's mine I plan on putting it in a casket and burying it. I digress because this is a happy blog.
I was always skeptical of people who claimed that one day a light came on as it pertains to them liking someone. I doubted that a person could pinpoint the exact time they started looking at a someone as a potential. I still do. I don't know when things changed and to be honest I don't care. Even if nothing comes from this.....it gives me new hope and a new outlook on myself. I like how it feels. It's been a long time since I've been "on the prowl".
The person I'm diggin' on is, in my opinion, amazing. What I like so much about her is she's totally opposite of what I expected. She's one of the coolest people I know. She's balanced. She knows when to crack a joke and when to give a shoulder to cry on. She's hella classy but can definitely win a farting match. LOL. She gets all my random corny jokes. She's just as dorky and nerdy as me. There's a lot more but you get the picture. Lastly........she's beautiful. Inside and out.
I cannot predict what will happen with all of this. I won't try. Having a crush takes me back to a simpler place and time. It's a nice little trip down memory lane. I'm just gonna enjoy the ride and take in the scenery. Peace.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
It's More Than A Hairstyle
August 26 is the birthdate of my locs. Seems like a trivial thing to celebrate the anniversary of a hairstyle. My locs hold a great deal of joy, pain, happiness, sorrow, accomplishment, and failure. Above all of that, my locs keep me connected to my mother.
Back in 2005, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Just like most cancer patients, she lost her hair. I wanted to shave my hair off in support of her but she wasn't having it. I wanted to do something more to show my solidarity. I decided I would get locs. My mother was going on a journey, so why not take one myself?
I sat in the chair as the lady chopped my hair down to about an inch (if that). I looked in the mirror and saw that my little bitty fro looked just like my mother's little bitty fro. My mother smiled when she noticed I was looking at her. A couple hours later, I was all twisted up ready to embark on my journey.
My mother took quite a shine to my locs. She loved them. She would always want me to take pictures of them. She would play in them. She really thought they were cool. Truth be told, there were quite a few days I wanted to tap out and cut them off. I never could do it, not because my mother would be disappointed, but because if she didn't give up on a journey that was a battle for her life then surely I can stay committed to mine.
My locs symbolize something much deeper than just a fashion trend. They are a constant reminder of something special that my mom and I share. I sometimes catch myself playing with them and a my eyes get a little misty. Other days when I'm feeling down I can touch one and think about her oiling them or cleaning them and I smile. Even if I ever decide to cut them off, I will keep one in a box so that I can have one to touch when I need to "touch" her. Peace.
Back in 2005, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. Just like most cancer patients, she lost her hair. I wanted to shave my hair off in support of her but she wasn't having it. I wanted to do something more to show my solidarity. I decided I would get locs. My mother was going on a journey, so why not take one myself?
I sat in the chair as the lady chopped my hair down to about an inch (if that). I looked in the mirror and saw that my little bitty fro looked just like my mother's little bitty fro. My mother smiled when she noticed I was looking at her. A couple hours later, I was all twisted up ready to embark on my journey.
My mother took quite a shine to my locs. She loved them. She would always want me to take pictures of them. She would play in them. She really thought they were cool. Truth be told, there were quite a few days I wanted to tap out and cut them off. I never could do it, not because my mother would be disappointed, but because if she didn't give up on a journey that was a battle for her life then surely I can stay committed to mine.
My locs symbolize something much deeper than just a fashion trend. They are a constant reminder of something special that my mom and I share. I sometimes catch myself playing with them and a my eyes get a little misty. Other days when I'm feeling down I can touch one and think about her oiling them or cleaning them and I smile. Even if I ever decide to cut them off, I will keep one in a box so that I can have one to touch when I need to "touch" her. Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)