Welcome to the Cyberpool....No Lifeguard on Duty

Over the past couple months, I have dabbled in online dating. I've never been one of those who thinks dating sites are for losers. To me, a dating site is just another way to meet people. No different than meeting a chick at the mall. Just like a person you meet on the street, it can go pretty good or awfully terrible. Here is some things I've learned over these last 60 days.

Deciphering online phrases:
"outgoing" - I talk way too much.
"down to earth" - I've been told I'm stuck up.
"smart" - I have read a book that didn't have pictures in the past year.
"adventurous" - I saw a skydiving video online.
"I don't like arrogant women". - I'm arrogant as heck.
"I only put up a profile because my friend/aunt/probation officer/etc suggested" - I don't want to feel like a complete loser.
"I am a free spirit" - I'm a slore.

I'm amazed at how many chicks there are who are studying to become Aerospace Engineers, volunteer 20 hours a week at the homeless shelter whilst juggling their modeling career and working full time as a party promoter. It's rare to come across a profile of a woman who has a degree and a career. Perhaps these kind of women don't do online dating. *shrug*

Deciphering career titles:
"Self-employed" - I ain't got no job!
"Promoter" - I pass out flyers.
"Pediatrics" - I work at a daycare.
"Gainfully employed" - I have a job that's pretty crappy but it pays.
"Ninja/Warrior/Genius/Quasi-funny title" - I ain't got no job and I like anime!
"Dancer/Entertainer" - I'm a stripper.

The worst part of online dating is getting messages from undesirables. I try to be nice and let them down easily, but I can't help but to wonder "what the heck were you thinking?". If my profile says that I'm 29, no children, educated, non-smoker with a car why would I want to go out with a 38 year old with 4 kids, studying at Concorde, chain smoker with no vehicle? You would think common sense would tell them not to message me. Shoot for the moon I guess.

The runner up has to be chicks who want to exchange 123783 messages. If by message 5, you're not trying to give up the digits, twitters, skype, or something, count me out. I'm not here to make pen pals. There are websites for that. If you're that scared to give out your #, hop on Google Voice. I have noticed that a lot of chicks are just on there for the attention and ego boost. They have no desire to meet up with anybody, they just want to feel like "they still got it".

Now I've talked a lot of noise, but all in all, I've had some great experiences ( I emphasize experience ) with women I've met online. My profile has gone pretty dormant lately; however, when I get the urge to see what's good, I'll fire it back up again. Online dating doesn't have the stigma that it used it, so if you're looking for way to supplement your dating pool......give it a go. You might just like it. Peace.

Forget a Chapter.....

*blows the dust off* Man, feels like forever since I last blogged. Life seemed to have gotten in the way and it cut into my blog time. Where should I begin?

So many changes have taken place in my life since I last put an entry in. Some good, some bad, but eventually they will all be great. I'm just patiently waiting for God to move in all areas of my life. In the meantime, I will continue to work on self to make sure I'm able to handle whatever He sends my way.

I thought I would be scared ish-less but I'm unafraid. Things don't always go the way we try to "script" them. It's a good thing though. If that were the case, we'd never have a reason to trust God. I'm trusting and believing Him with everything in me. He would never take me out of one situation without having something even better lined up.

*raises glass* Here's to whatever comes next. Peace.

Put Away the Measuring Cup

As cool and confident as I am, I sometimes have feelings of inadequacy. That feeling that makes me wonder "am I *insert adjective* to do *insert task/person (LOL)*"? Most people experience these feelings after a disappointment or heartbreak. With me, they seem to come right before I decide to undertake a project/task/etc.

I know in life, we use others as benchmarks. We measure and compare ourselves to friends, family, celebrities, so on and so forth. We think of how we may not be where we expected to be at our age. We see others who are where we expected to be and we get down on ourselves. We rarely stop to think how that person got there. We never stop to think of how that is that person's course, not ours.

Just because I'm not there yet does not mean I'm not *insert adjective again* to get there. I'm learning each day to keep being the best me I can be. Stay on my course. Stop internalizing and over-analyzing. I know that with God and the correct attitude, there is nothing that I cannot do. Onward and upward. Peace.

Get Off That Figure 8 Course

I hate to see folk struggling with the same issue time and time again. It shows no growth when you are struggling with an issue that was troubling you 6 months ago. I call this a Figure 8 course. The person skates away only end up going in circles.

I just think after a certain age, you shouldn't struggle with your sexuality. I'm sorry. You just shouldn't. I know that God can change any situation around. If you truly want to be delivered from teh ghey or whatevy, I'm certain he can do it. However, God isn't in the business of delivering the wishy washy, the undecided, the fence straddler, etc.

I'm sure there are some out there shaking their head over what I just said. Hear me out though. This person thinks of their sexuality as an addiction and/or affliction, then why can't they be delivered? Personally I believe that you can stop doing "gay stuff". That is where the choice aspect of sexuality comes into play. However, you're still gay because that's just in you. That's where the nature aspect comes into play.

We get past all of that and you tell me "LI, I'm done with women. I'm gonna get me a husband". Now I'm no relationshipologist, but I'm quite certain the husband is gonna wanna consummate the marriage at some point in time. If that's not enough, you follow up with "Hopefully our (friend and her ex-GF) husbands won't mind us getting together from time to time". Really? So you're just gonna talk out of both sides of your neck like that eh?

Navigating your sexuality when you're in your teens, early 20s, possibly even mid 20s is rough. You're still learning about yourself and life. Some level of flip flopping is understood. Once you get north of 27, there is no country for it. No one will ever accept you, if you don't accept yourself. Peace.

Rules of Disengagement

I let go with a yo-yo. I throw it as hard as I can. I see the ball in the distance thinking that's far enough. However, it always comes back. I want you gone but I want you close enough so that I can catch a glimpse of you. Sadly, no matter how far I throw you, I almost look forward to you coming back.

Maybe I like my yo-yo. I throw it, it goes on a trip, it comes back to me. I inspect it. Check it out. See how it's been. After I feel as if I've engaged long enough, I throw it again. That string still connecting us. I whistle while my yo-yo spins out and away from me. I kee-kee while it whirls at the end of the string. Before I know it, the yo-yo is back and we start the cycle again.

This time, it's all me. It's nothing you do. I just can't seem to find the way to completely disengage. Oh, I've mastered out of sight out of mind. I've becoming fluent in selective amnesia. I even dabble in trip or two to Egypt. Just can't figure out how to disengage.

It's so hard to resist. I still haven't learned how. Cut the string. Give the yo-yo away. Just disengage. I'm trying. Peace.

Sustain Without Yielding

I had a blog all planned out. A nice, sweet one about changes and dates and all that cute stuff. I'll post it sometime, but today I really need to blog about endurance.

Right now, I'm in a very rough patch in a major part of my life. It is to the point where I truly believe it's affecting my mental being. It's hard to really enjoy other stuff because this issue drains me so. It takes everything in me sometimes to get through this without truly spazzing out. My homies know that this is giving me grief but I don't think they get the extent of it. Bad is probably an understatement. I usually say little about it because people are quick to say that you're being a brat or ungrateful.

This isn't a woe is me blog. I know in life we all have trials and tribulations. We all have to endure at some point in time. I just wonder sometimes how much longer can I endure. I wonder is God listening to me or does he just hear me. I've prayed to ask Him to show me is there anything that I'm doing that is keeping Him from helping me in this situation.

Never been the type to try and scorekeep or bargain with God. "Well God, you do know that I go to church every Sunday. I tithe. I study your Word. C'mon hook a sista up!" or "Okay God, if you do this for me, I'll do this for you". Nah, not me. First, I know enough about God to know that there is nothing I can barter with God. There is nothing I can give or do that is an even exchange for his grace and mercy. Heck, grace is unmerited favor. Meaning we don't deserve His favor but because He loves us so, he bestows it upon us.

Each moment, the goal is to give God the glory and endure. There is a reason why I have not heard back from God about this issue. Also, just because I don't see Him working doesn't mean the work is not going on. Whenever I feel like I wanna to just throw my towel in, I have to keep enduring. There is a lesson in all of this. I know there will be a time soon where I look back at all of this and praise Him even harder because this will just be another thing I've conquered.

I'm sure there are plenty of others not only going through this, but a plethora of other things. My message to you is "hold on, keep going". God may seem far away or unconcerned, but believe that He is right there and He doesn't want to see you hurt. If you feel like giving up, giving in, my message to you is "hold on, keep going". He's working it out for you.

Romans 5:3-4 says "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope" Hold on, keep going. Peace.

A Musing For Her (I Miss You Blues)

I miss you. I really really miss you. I miss you so much that sometimes I forget to miss you. Maybe it's because missing you is ingrained in me now. I find myself getting upset at myself when I forget to miss you. Because if I forget to miss you, then surely I have forgotten about you, right?

Time doesn't heal wounds. Time makes you numb to the fact that you are wounded. At first I had to accept you're gone, now I'm learning to accept you're free. As much as I wish you were still here, I'd rather you be safe in His Arms than suffering in your bed.

It doesn't seem like it's been 4 years. It feels like 4 lifetimes. Some days, it feels like you were never here. I feel like you're someone I made up in my head. An imaginary friend if you will. How could that be? I have memories in my heart, I have pictures in my hand, I have stories that you shared. I have tangible proof that you indeed existed, but where are you?

Other days, I feel as if you never left. I feel your presence all around me. I look in the mirror and even though we didn't look alike, I see you looking back at me. I'm surrounded by all the prayers you prayed for me. I hear all the encouraging words you spoke to me. I can even hear you scolding me when I do something that is not right. I feel your strength flowing through my veins. Your wise words willingly roll off my tongue.

I miss you, but I know I have work to complete here. You live because I live. You won't ever be forgotten because I won't ever forget you. So keep resting and I'll keep working. One of these days, we'll meet again and I won't ever have to let you go. Peace.