But as time went on I had a talk with my mind/
friends like you and you I gotta leave behind
One of the hardest things to admit is that you have outgrown certain friends in your life. It hurts to know that the folk you used to hang so tight with no longer add any value to your life. It pains me to see how different of a path I am taking from them. However, everybody can't go to the next level with you.
Maybe early last year, I could deal with folk calling me with the same issue over and over again. Now to see a person in the same rut they were in last year disgusts me. Kats and katettes need to get off that figure 8 course, frill. Everyday, I'm picking up my cross to follow Him. Anything that is not helping me get closer to Him and His Promise for my life, I gotta leave it behind. I'm on a quest to find that next level and the level after that and so on and so forth.
I can count the number of calls I've taken from non-family members these last few weeks. So to ya'll whose calls I answered.....this blog ain't bout you #smile. Nah, I don't wanna hang. Nah, don't tell me about that same triflin' mate I said you needed to leave. Nah, I don't wanna hear about you complain about a job that you shoulda left months ago but you're too complacent to do so. Nah, I haven't changed my status on FB in I dunno how long.
Yeah, I'm hanging out with that homie again. Yeah, I'm going out of town that many times. Yeah, I know that where I am now is nowhere near my peak. Yeah, I'm gonna stay in the house and read a book. Yeah, the peace that I have in my life is almost inexplicable. Yeah, I plan on keeping it.
I thank you for serving your purpose. You rode with me as far as you were supposed to. You actually taught me a lot....of what NOT to do. I hope that all the wisdom and knowledge I imparted you with, you someday use it. I promise you I wasn't hating. I promise you that even though I lack experience in certain areas, I knew what I was talking about. I could see the picture because I wasn't in the frame. I know at time I can be a pompous douche, but I did it because my expectations of you were high because my expectations of myself are higher.
Maybe one day, we'll link up again. If not....thnks fr th mmrs. Peace.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
All These Forks and Me With No Plate
I've been in Houston for 5 years now. Don't get me wrong, I've had a blast. I've met some great people. However, it was a move that was made in someone else's shadow. No matter how successful I become here, I'll always feel like I didn't forge my own path. I've always been the kind of person who marched to the beat of her own drum. The person whose motto is "if there isn't a path....make one". I didn't make a path to Houston. I followed someone else's path.
I feel like I've exorcised all the demons that I have here in the H. I've learned to see my experiences with C as chapters of my book and not a story of its own. I did all I could do with that. I'm finally at a point where I can look back on it all and smile. Just a few short months ago, I wasn't even close. No more running. I realized that running from a problem only puts more distance between you and the solution.
I learned a lot about my "gay self" over these last 5 years. While I've "known" I was gay for years, I got schooled about the ways of lesbian life here. I'm hella grateful for the wiser, older lesbian friends I made here. They really took me under their wings. Very appreciative for them. The foundation was already strong, they just helped me learn how to navigate chicks. I was hella green in a sense when I first set foot here.
I know this blog reads like a goodbye Houston letter. I'm seriously considering taking my talents somewhere else. Shockingly, going back to The Hill is a very distinct possibility. I had to really take stock of where am I in life. I thought to myself "what kind of gay scene is there on The Hill", "will I be able to meet chicks". Then I answered myself "you don't do the gay scene here, why would you do it somewhere else?" "of course you'll be able to meet chicks, you're you, duh!"
Nothing is set in stone plus it ain't my call to make. Perhaps God figures I haven't did all I'm supposed to do here. Maybe I have. His Will be done. Peace.
I feel like I've exorcised all the demons that I have here in the H. I've learned to see my experiences with C as chapters of my book and not a story of its own. I did all I could do with that. I'm finally at a point where I can look back on it all and smile. Just a few short months ago, I wasn't even close. No more running. I realized that running from a problem only puts more distance between you and the solution.
I learned a lot about my "gay self" over these last 5 years. While I've "known" I was gay for years, I got schooled about the ways of lesbian life here. I'm hella grateful for the wiser, older lesbian friends I made here. They really took me under their wings. Very appreciative for them. The foundation was already strong, they just helped me learn how to navigate chicks. I was hella green in a sense when I first set foot here.
I know this blog reads like a goodbye Houston letter. I'm seriously considering taking my talents somewhere else. Shockingly, going back to The Hill is a very distinct possibility. I had to really take stock of where am I in life. I thought to myself "what kind of gay scene is there on The Hill", "will I be able to meet chicks". Then I answered myself "you don't do the gay scene here, why would you do it somewhere else?" "of course you'll be able to meet chicks, you're you, duh!"
Nothing is set in stone plus it ain't my call to make. Perhaps God figures I haven't did all I'm supposed to do here. Maybe I have. His Will be done. Peace.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Floating Pack of Vikings in Heat
What should I do? Should I tell you that I'm not perfect, that I have made mistakes?
Should I lie and say I've done everything right?
Should I tell the world how much fun I thought I had? What should I do?
Should I insist trying to run every time I feel like the walls are closing in? What should I do?
Should I tell you that sometimes I grapple with the "what ifs"? I mean they are a part of what makes me me, right?
Or should I tell you that I am not a good example.....but a great cautionary tale?
Seriously, what should I do?
Should I be what I want you to want me to be? Should I just accept my role as the arrogant know-it-all?
What should I do?
Should I sing you a song or entertain you with reality?
What should I do?
Should I be who you want me to be?
Should I lie and say I've done everything right?
Should I tell the world how much fun I thought I had? What should I do?
Should I insist trying to run every time I feel like the walls are closing in? What should I do?
Should I tell you that sometimes I grapple with the "what ifs"? I mean they are a part of what makes me me, right?
Or should I tell you that I am not a good example.....but a great cautionary tale?
Seriously, what should I do?
Should I be what I want you to want me to be? Should I just accept my role as the arrogant know-it-all?
What should I do?
Should I sing you a song or entertain you with reality?
What should I do?
Should I be who you want me to be?
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Rice and Beans Between the Sheets
Last night, I was tweeting back and forth with my snookums (LOL) about love and lockdowns. Not quite sure how many of ya'll out in tvland believe that yours truly has never been in love. If you've read, oh let's say about 63% of my blog, you would know I have been in love. The disconnect comes in because I wasn't in love with her when she was in love with me and vice versa.
I have no issues with love. I'm not a love hater at all. My parents were happily married until the day my mother died. I have seen true love operate. Albeit rare, I believe that true love exists. Do I think it will happen for me? My stance is that I won't hold my breath on it. In this day and age, one must be realistic about love. I'm just realistic. I think if most people stop looking for/expecting running thru a meadow hand in hand whilst a harp plays in the background, they wouldn't be so disappointed. Now is the time to just find someone who doesn't make you want to stab them with a spork, likes fucking, and likes eating.
Sorry kids, that's what it comes down to now. Someone to break you off a piece then turn around and break you off a piece of their Kit Kat bar. Forget all that trying to figure what they're thinking. Cancel all that trying to impress them. Stop all the mind games and manipulation. Some quick chit chat, go grab some grub, and take it back to your place, theirs, or both (if you got it like that).
I know some of ya'll got a pool going (I see you, snookums) of when I will be blogging about how much in love I am. I won't sit here and say oh that will never happen. I can sit here and say that at this moment, I will be realistic about love. It's out there. Love is somewhere shivering in its draws in a middle of nowhere. It's been beaten, misused, mistreated, twisted, dusted and disgusted. I'm rooting for love. However, until I find the right person to go rescue it, I'm gonna roll with realism. Peace.
I have no issues with love. I'm not a love hater at all. My parents were happily married until the day my mother died. I have seen true love operate. Albeit rare, I believe that true love exists. Do I think it will happen for me? My stance is that I won't hold my breath on it. In this day and age, one must be realistic about love. I'm just realistic. I think if most people stop looking for/expecting running thru a meadow hand in hand whilst a harp plays in the background, they wouldn't be so disappointed. Now is the time to just find someone who doesn't make you want to stab them with a spork, likes fucking, and likes eating.
Sorry kids, that's what it comes down to now. Someone to break you off a piece then turn around and break you off a piece of their Kit Kat bar. Forget all that trying to figure what they're thinking. Cancel all that trying to impress them. Stop all the mind games and manipulation. Some quick chit chat, go grab some grub, and take it back to your place, theirs, or both (if you got it like that).
I know some of ya'll got a pool going (I see you, snookums) of when I will be blogging about how much in love I am. I won't sit here and say oh that will never happen. I can sit here and say that at this moment, I will be realistic about love. It's out there. Love is somewhere shivering in its draws in a middle of nowhere. It's been beaten, misused, mistreated, twisted, dusted and disgusted. I'm rooting for love. However, until I find the right person to go rescue it, I'm gonna roll with realism. Peace.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Clearly I Was Napping in the Back of Class
A truth about me: I have never been anyone's girlfriend. I have been in a situation that may have resembled a relationship, but at the end of the day, I've been perpetually single. This is not a lamenting blog, not in the least bit. Just setting up what I ultimately want to discuss.
Watching different friends experience different relationship issues has really made me think over these past few weeks. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Monogamy isn't natural, it's a learned behavior. Some us learn it, some of us don't. I feel as if I have mostly learned it, but I've never been tested on it. I think if I had to grade myself: 70% on understanding monogamy in theory and 40% on practice.
I've managed to stay out of relationships because 1. I'm a borderline commitment phobe and b. I don't know how monogamous I can be. There are a couple women that I believe I could shake 1 and b for, but I'm scared to try because (amongst other issues) I wouldn't ever want to hurt them. I'm not saying that I would be out ho-hopping. I just enjoying flirting, kee-keeing, and maybe the option of ho-hopping.
This ain't a braggin' blog. The thought of not being able to be with one person doesn't set well with me. It's gonna come a time where the tomcatting gets old and the other side of the bed gets cold. What will happen to me then? I'm still young (in the grand scheme of things), but I'm almost old in the "lesbian world". If I haven't learned how to be in a relationship by now, will I ever? Peace.
Watching different friends experience different relationship issues has really made me think over these past few weeks. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Monogamy isn't natural, it's a learned behavior. Some us learn it, some of us don't. I feel as if I have mostly learned it, but I've never been tested on it. I think if I had to grade myself: 70% on understanding monogamy in theory and 40% on practice.
I've managed to stay out of relationships because 1. I'm a borderline commitment phobe and b. I don't know how monogamous I can be. There are a couple women that I believe I could shake 1 and b for, but I'm scared to try because (amongst other issues) I wouldn't ever want to hurt them. I'm not saying that I would be out ho-hopping. I just enjoying flirting, kee-keeing, and maybe the option of ho-hopping.
This ain't a braggin' blog. The thought of not being able to be with one person doesn't set well with me. It's gonna come a time where the tomcatting gets old and the other side of the bed gets cold. What will happen to me then? I'm still young (in the grand scheme of things), but I'm almost old in the "lesbian world". If I haven't learned how to be in a relationship by now, will I ever? Peace.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I'll Take One More Question From You in the Back
Blogger has been re-blocked at work, so my blog entries have dwindled down to nothing. Yes, I have the interwebs at home, but most times I'm either doing some other ish or into some other ish. Not tonight, I am determined to get a blog in. I decided to blog using questions I think my readers would be asking right about now.
What has been going on with our fearless hero? Everything and nothing.
Has your roomie left? He should be out by the end of the month.
Have you heard from C? No, she is ignoring me I think.
How do you feel about C right now? I miss her at times, but such is life.
How was your NYE? It was awesome. Nawlins is a cool city. Lesson: go in the summer so you can wear shorts. Bourbon St. is filthy.
What's troubling you right now? The fact that I'm sitting on an iceberg right now (some of ya'll will get that one in the car).
What did you think about The Game premiere? It's a decent show for what it is. I wish folk would stop acting like it's the pinnacle of black television.
How do you feel about the new Facebook profiles? They SUCK! Glad I'm pretty much a full blown tweeter.
Which one of your followers would you "would" repeatedly? Hehe....I'm sure they know. If you're reading.....*waves*.
Will you tell us more about your twitter-boo? Nope, why you being all nosey. Snookums, if you're reading....."hey boo".
How are you liking the cold weather? I'm not! Any temps below 50 degrees make my butt itch. I need the thermometer to get closer to 60.
Heard any good albums lately? Nope. There are a couple newer singles I like: Keri Hilson's Pretty Girl Rock and Lloyd's Lay Your Head......#goaheadjudgeme
Will we get another entry before your birthday? Ya'll got jokes I see. This interview is over. *puts hand over camera*
What has been going on with our fearless hero? Everything and nothing.
Has your roomie left? He should be out by the end of the month.
Have you heard from C? No, she is ignoring me I think.
How do you feel about C right now? I miss her at times, but such is life.
How was your NYE? It was awesome. Nawlins is a cool city. Lesson: go in the summer so you can wear shorts. Bourbon St. is filthy.
What's troubling you right now? The fact that I'm sitting on an iceberg right now (some of ya'll will get that one in the car).
What did you think about The Game premiere? It's a decent show for what it is. I wish folk would stop acting like it's the pinnacle of black television.
How do you feel about the new Facebook profiles? They SUCK! Glad I'm pretty much a full blown tweeter.
Which one of your followers would you "would" repeatedly? Hehe....I'm sure they know. If you're reading.....*waves*.
Will you tell us more about your twitter-boo? Nope, why you being all nosey. Snookums, if you're reading....."hey boo".
How are you liking the cold weather? I'm not! Any temps below 50 degrees make my butt itch. I need the thermometer to get closer to 60.
Heard any good albums lately? Nope. There are a couple newer singles I like: Keri Hilson's Pretty Girl Rock and Lloyd's Lay Your Head......#goaheadjudgeme
Will we get another entry before your birthday? Ya'll got jokes I see. This interview is over. *puts hand over camera*
Monday, January 3, 2011
Meanwhile, Back at the Sandbox
Last night, I went to dinner with C and her bro. For the most part, it was a normal outing. Sports, beer, and wings is always a good thing. Convo started off hella slow, but eventually she warmed up to me. Immediately, I went to teasing her and making sarcastic remarks.
I got home afterwards and made a realization. When it comes to women I dig (read: C), I'm like a 6 year old boy at the sandbox. My way of showing a chick I like her is to push her down in the sandbox. I pick and tease women that I like. Make her eat dirt, tell everyone she has cooties, steal her lollipops are some of my fave ways of showing a chick how much I dig her.
I don't think I'm a poor communicator. It's just with chicks I dig, I'm out of my comfort zone when it comes to being vulnerable. I don't really do well with showing emotions. It's easier to call a chick "biscuithead" than to tell her I wanted to call her back right after we hung up. I figure giving a chick a wedgie is a great way to show how much I care.
I turn on the way back machine and I realize that I messed with C incessantly. It wasn't to the point where I was annoying, but with thin skin like hers I'm pretty sure I've pissed her off more than a few times. She shoulda been more concerned if I didn't tease her because it meant I didn't care.
Reckon I'll wait for the next girl to push off the jungle gym. #shrug
I got home afterwards and made a realization. When it comes to women I dig (read: C), I'm like a 6 year old boy at the sandbox. My way of showing a chick I like her is to push her down in the sandbox. I pick and tease women that I like. Make her eat dirt, tell everyone she has cooties, steal her lollipops are some of my fave ways of showing a chick how much I dig her.
I don't think I'm a poor communicator. It's just with chicks I dig, I'm out of my comfort zone when it comes to being vulnerable. I don't really do well with showing emotions. It's easier to call a chick "biscuithead" than to tell her I wanted to call her back right after we hung up. I figure giving a chick a wedgie is a great way to show how much I care.
I turn on the way back machine and I realize that I messed with C incessantly. It wasn't to the point where I was annoying, but with thin skin like hers I'm pretty sure I've pissed her off more than a few times. She shoulda been more concerned if I didn't tease her because it meant I didn't care.
Reckon I'll wait for the next girl to push off the jungle gym. #shrug
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